My 24 year old daughter has been arguing with me for one week?

Question

I've needed help restarting our cable TV system and I 'm not too familiar or handy with technology...just need her help, thats all. She has been unusually tempermental and has been somewhat belligerent with me. This is not like her at all. She's been name calling me etc. I've asked her to leave and not to visit tomorrow. She's not working and has an older boyfriend shes been going with for sometime. Maybe there are problems there.
How should I handle her? She usually is so helpful and a great pal. Like a monster today!!
I'm confused and hurt.

Answer 1

A mother's instincts are usually the best.

You think that she may be having problems with her boyfriend, so you are probably pretty close to the mark.

I would invite her out to eat and pick a cozy place where the two of you can talk. If you do it outside of your home then either person has the option of walking off if they get offended. And by doing it on neutral territory then you don't add a subtext of who is dominant here.

Since your daughter is living on her own then she is an adult, and no longer your child; but she will always be your baby. What she needs the most is a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk it out with.

You can start with sentences like, "I am sorry that I called you to come over to help with my cable. I didn't realize that it would be such a problem. I couldn't help but notice that you seem off somehow is there anything that I can do to help."

You have to be the bigger person and make the first apology; she should eventually apologize to you and that is the first thing you want. More importantly give her a chance to talk and don't be confronting or rude about. Be humble and let her talk.

You can also say, "I know you weren't mad at me as much as you were mad at something or someone else. Is there any way I can help?"

Use “I” sentences when you talk about your feelings, don’t dump any additional grief on her. The most important thing here is for you to repair the relationship between you and your daughter, not just for yourself, but for her as well. By apologizing first you are assuming the mother’s burden, to care for your baby. You want to show your compassion, you caring, and your desire to help.

If she doesn’t open up to you then you have to be gentle with your probing, and after a few failures admit to yourself that she doesn’t want to talk about it. If that happens then just tell here that you will always be near if she needs someone to talk with.

If the luncheon is unsuccessful then at least you have left the door open for her and shown her your support. I know you feel bad about her response to you, but you know it isn’t because she doesn’t love you. You know that something else is going on and you want to make the first step in repairing your relationship with her.

Please let me know what happens (unless it is too personal for that) you can contact me via my Avatar.

Answer 2

Im sorry to hear that, unfortunately we take things out on the ones we love most : ( like you say maybe she has some problems with her b'friend, have you tried talking to her about it? I bet she's feeling just as hurt as you right now, i've had arguments with my mom and all i ever thought about was going to give her a hug. I'm not sure you did the right thing asking her to leave unless she doesnt live with you i guess. Just give her time to cool off and think about what she has said and how she has upset you. Maybe make the first move tomorrow and giver her a call.Its a saturday so maybe you could go for a coffee and have a girly chat and get to the bottom of whats really bugging her. Maybe she needs you more than you know.

Good luck x x x

Answer 3

sounds to me like she's got some problems of her own and it may be too much for her to help anyone else right now. I'd give her some space (a day) and find a way to get her to talk to you about what's going on her life (listen, don't advise) just let her know that you're there for her. Sending her away may calm your nerves, but it may be a rejection to her. I dont want to sound harsh but if she's in a bad place, or going through a rough time, the cable can wait. Invite her for coffee or tea and just listen to her. If she wont talk, go to a movie...I went through the same thing with my mom and I lashed out at her as a way of establishing my independence. I chased her off (tried to) when I really needed a shoulder to lean on. She did the best thing she could by just taking it in stride and making sure I knew she was there if I needed her. Kids (no matter how old) forget that parents arent our personal punching bags. They are the easiest people to take our frustrations out on, because you're safe.....good luck.

Answer 4

I was at that age not too long ago and I was also very temperamental. I think it is just a stage. I remember it felt as if my mom don't understand me at all. But now i know that she did and it was me. At that time I did not think so.
Maybe if you could explain your actions to her or say Way you want her to help with a lot of encouragement that you need her. Maybe her older boyfriend take that feeling of her being needed. He is maybe the leader and she doesn't feel needed and don't know what to do when you 'need' her. Maybe he is using her and she sees your asking help as the same.

Just be patient. If you love her as I know a mother love her daughter she will see it and come around. Good luck and give her all your love and encouragement.

Answer 5

I'm 26 and I am currently in an arguement with my mother. Sometimes daughters just want our moms to be like moms and not be our friends. I wish my mom would just give me some space. Maybe your daughter is going thru something right now since it has lasted over a week. Ask her if she wants to talk about it but if she says no just let it go. She will come to you when she is ready. Do let her know that you were hurt by the name calling but you know she didnt mean it.

Answer 6

I am not 24 but I am 20,and all I can say is maybe she has a bun in the oven,or she really just need you to take the time out to see if she is ok.As a parent you guys get so rapped up into whats going on with you that you don't realize your child has a problem till things get out of control.But,really. Try and talk to her to see if she needs your help,and maybe you two could start a good relationship from there.OOO yah prayer always work. good luck

Answer 7

First - why is your 24 year old daughter not working? Unless she's going to school full time, etc., then she should be working.

If you normally have a good relationship, then I'd sit down with her - when you are both calm - and talk to her. I assume she lives with you. I'd be firm though, and let her know that you won't tolerate that type of behavior from her. Since she's 24, and is an adult, she should act like it, not like she's 4 throwing a temper tantrum.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Children, even ones as old as yours, can be hurtful and disrespectful at times and it doesn't bother them. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for any child to be hateful with their parents and I personally wouldn't tolerate it. When she needs you she would expect you to ALWAYS be there but that's a two way road. I'd like to suggest that you tell her to take a little while away from you until she remembers that you are her mother and can't disrespect you and certainly not call you names. There are times that parents have to be strong and tough or their children will walk all over them like they are nothing to them. I have a 29 year old and she has NEVER called me out my name or disrespected me to my face because she knows that I will react quickly. I notice that you're trying to make an excuse up for why she may act the way she is and that's another mistake parents make. There is NO EXCUSE for that kind of behavior.

Answer 9

Sometimes, the one that we snap at is the one we are closest to. She may feel like she can get away with treating you poorly simply because you love her and she feels secure in that. But that is still no reason for her actions. Explain that she can always come to you if she needs to talk, but you do not feel that your role in her life is as a verbal or otherwise punching bag. Invite her to have a heart to heart over lunch and maybe she'll tell you what is really digging at her inside.

Answer 10

My daughter is not 24 but she too can switch gears in a heartbeat. I'm guessing she'll come around and apologize when she realizes how she's being, especially if she's normally respectful and a joy to be around. If she doesn't, after things have calmed down, then tell her how you feel when she acts like that.