what is the cure if you are very possessive, clingy, needy, obsessive with girls?

Question

whats the best way to address this problem? where does it come from?. i constantly haveing feelings of loneliness and abandonment, im 29 and live on my own, in a small flat, i feel a horrible emptiness within my soul all the time, of hopelessness and despair, i have vey low self esteem, everyone i meet especially girls , they end up leaving me, which reinforces the idea, im going to end up lonely and desperate..i feel so very insecure about alot of things, how im going to achieve my dreams in life...of hapiness, warmth, security, stabilty, attaining friendships and relashionships, living in my own house/home, working in a good job,emmegration, to build a life somewhere else....i havent got a clue how i will achieve all this..i dont no how to get their.im speaking to a girl in canada whove ive known for two years speaking on the net,i chat through msn, weve really developed a loving relashionship with each other. but im afraid im spoiling it, with my,needyness,clingness,& possessiveness

tonight ive had a row with her and fallen out with her because she deleted a comment i left her on my space...she told me she does it to all her friends and hates my space and i shouldnt base a relashionship on myspace, but shes not deleted other comments, all her friends comments are still there, but the ones i posted last night and today have been erased by her, she told me she did it..and her doing this has made me incredably insecure, feeling, is their another guy arond, that she doesnt want to see my comment? is she ashamed of me? and to announce she has a relashionship with me?..all these things ran through my mind....shes 20, im 29, but i love her alot, shes supposed to be coming to the uk to be with me....next year, i worry i wont be able to keep her because of the way i behave?

by the way, i hate superman...i prefer res evil

Answer 1

I'm sorry...I know how you feel...I'm the same way and it makes me not even want to bother trying to make friends out of fear that I'll drive them away. One thing that I'm doing though is to try to make a life for myself that I can feel good about whether or not I ever make another friend. I'm volunteering at an animal shelter and a hospital to fill that empty time and space. I think what happens with me is that I want friendships and a relationship so bad that I end up smothering the person until they leave. I think maybe I've been trying too hard. What I'm trying to do now is find things that I enjoy doing and make my life one worth living and a reason to get up each day. If I make friends along the way, then that's just icing on the cake. If you have other things in your life that you enjoy, something you're passionate about, then you may not be so needy and clingy because you have other interests. I have a person in my life now...we used to date, but we're now just friends and I'm so afraid of losing him, but I know that my life can not revolve around him or it will smother him and drive him away. That's too much pressure to put on someone. I'm trying to find other things in my life that I can be happy about when I can't be with him. I hope to make friends and have another relationship in the future, but I have to be happy with myself in the meantime. Maybe with this girl you need to back off a little and accept what she's saying. Remember, thoughts that you're having are just thoughts....they may or may not be true. I've driven people away with my neediness before and am trying really hard not to do that anymore with anyone else. It's not easy. But, from experience, I know that if I make my life all about one person, I am going to drive them away. Just put yourself in the other person's position. How would you feel if you knew that the other person's was only happy when they were around you? That's a lot of pressure to put on someone.

Answer 2

Hey man, what normal girl is going to want a weak, needy, no backbone kind of a guy? Girls are looking for someone strong and supportive. If you were a girl, would you want to be with you? If not then make a change. Go look in the mirror and say "NO MORE!" Put on that cape and be a superman! Girls love to date Superman not a Wussyman!

Answer 3

I completely understand the feelings of lonliness, abandonment, hopelessness and despair.

The honest truth is, you need to learn how to love yourself, before you can truly love someone else. None of us can tell you what is the best way for you to accomplish this...it might be through finding a hobby that you can be successful at...it might be through finding a good church to join...it might be through working with a counselor to figure out what started it.

Regardless, NO ONE likes the feeling of being attached to someone who clings. You absolutely won't be successful in a relationship if you continue this type of behavior.

Get yourself into a healthy relationship with yourself, and it will matter less to you about being in a healthy relationship with someone else. When you're happy with you, it will show, and you're likely to have a line of women waiting outside your flat, just for the chance to meet such a self-confident, attractive man.

Answer 4

You can start by not defining yourself by your relationships. Get yourself together before you even get with anyone. Your clinginess shows that you don't have anything else to take up time in your mind, so you show it. When you have other things to do and think about you share that space in your mind along with the relationship, as opposed to thinking about her all of the time. Read the Bible, get to know what you like to do by yourself, kick back, read some books, exercise. Do some you things for you.

Answer 5

How many pessimists desire the things they fear in order to prove that they're right? If we think constantly on the things that seem to be against us, we will build them up to a power that they don't actually possess. Worse yet they can actualize themselves into physical conditions. Yes... the mind is that powerful. You're not a victim of life's misfortunes, you're a co-conspirator. Take responsibility of your life and seek mental maturity.

Answer 6

*Please Patiently read this information by a Psychologist, & Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. It may help some. Thanks.*

*What in the world is the difference between loving a person, and being attached to them? Love is the sincere wish, for others to be happy and to be free from suffering. Having realistically realized other’s kindness, as well as their faults, Love is Always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have no ulterior intensions or motives to fulfill our own self-interests; or to fulfill our own desires, we love others, all people, simply because they exist. Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others’ good qualities, and makes us crave to be with them. When we’re with them, we are happy, but when we’re separated from them, we’re miserable. Attachments are always linked with expectations of what others should be, or what they should do for us. Is love, as it is understood in most societies, really love OR attachment ? Let us examine this a little more. Generally speaking, we are attracted {drawn to) people because they have qualities we value, or because they help us in some way. If we carefully observe, through introspection, our own thought processes we’ll notice that we very often look for specific qualities in others. Some of these qualities we are drawn to are qualities within our parents, or qualities which society values.
We examine someone’s looks, education, social status, financial status, and so forth. This is how Most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value, or not. In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they praise us, encourage us, help us, if they listen to what we have to say, if they make us feel secure, if they take care of us when were sick, unhappy or depressed, we consider them good, or sometimes righteous people, and these are the people we more drawn to, whom we are most likely attracted to, and the people we choose to be around with.
In all honesty, this is very biased, for we are judging them, only in terms of how they relate to us, as if we are the most important person in the world & thinking the world revolves around us! After we’ve judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them, it appears to us as if goodness is radiating out from within them, but as we are more mindfully aware, we realize that we have projected this goodness on to them.
Desiring to be the people who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo’s, when we’re with these people, we’re up, but when we’re not with them, we’re down. Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with these people will be, and thus have expectations of them. “When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we’re unhappy, disappointed or may even become angry. We want them to change so that they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from other people. Our problems arise not because others aren’t who we thought they were, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they were not. We often use a type of Checklist also. Checklist: “I Love You IF ___________ !” This Love is Conditional and what we call love, is most often attachment. It is actually an attitude which overestimates the qualities of another person.
’Then we cling tightly to that person, thinking our peace and happiness depends on that person. We even often blame that person for our unhappiness.’ Love, on the other hand, is a very patient, calm, optimistic and relaxed attitude. We want others to be free from suffering and to be happy simply because they exist. While attachments are uncontrolled, and too emotionally sentimental, Love is Patient, powerful, and controlled(disciplined). Attachment obscures our judgment {our ability to make sound, wise decisions), and we become impatient, angry, and impartial – helping our dear ones, and those who do us no harm. Love clarifies our mind, & we access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on selfishness, while love is founded on valuing, & cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to us. Love always looks beyond all the superficial appearances and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want peace of mind, happiness, and wish to avoid suffering. If we see an unattractive, or unintelligent people we most often feel repulsed, because our selfish minds want to find attractive, intelligent, and talented people. On the other hand, Love never evaluates others by theses superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others appearances, they’re experiences are they same as ours: they want inner mental peace, happiness, and wish to be from suffering. When we’re attached, we’re not mentally, emotionally, & spiritually free. For we overly depend on, and cling to another person, to fulfill our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. We fear losing the person, fearing that we’d be incomplete without them.” This does Not mean that we should suppress all our emotional needs, or become aloof, and totally independent, for that too would not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs and slowly, gently and patiently – seek to eliminate them. If we try to suppress them, pretending they do not exist, we become insecure, anxious, or possibly depressed. In this case, we do our best to fulfill our needs, while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them. The core problem is that most of us seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others, rather than to understand them. Our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfish obscuring of our own minds. We develop confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a Selfless human being, having many magnificent qualities, and then we’ll develop and have an accurate perception of ourselves, gaining self-confidence. We’ll seek to increase true unconditional love, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience, as well as generosity, right concentration and wisdom. Under the influence of attachment, we’re bound by our unstable emotional reactions to others. When they’re nice to us, we’re happy, but when they ignore us or speak sharply to us, we take it personally, and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn’t mean we become hard-hearted, rather without attachments, there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine affection and impartial love for them. And as a result, we’ll be more actively involved with them. As we learn to transform our minds & lives, through subduing our attachments, we can definitely have successful friendships, and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer, more meaningful because of the freedom and respect the relationships are based on. We’ll really care about the happiness and misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same inside: we all want inner peace of mind, Happiness, and to be from suffering.
However, of course, our lifestyles and interests may be a bit more compatible with some people. Our friendships and our personal relationships will be based on mutual interests, and to help other people. Having such an attitude, we’ll be much More Patient, & tolerant toward others; will remain mentally calm, having Peace of Mind and Happiness, and we’ll communicate successfully with others in life.*