Awkward situation as a teacher/professor?

Question

I'm a professor in a small town. I was out to dinner at a restaurant/bar, and I saw one of my incredibly bright students absolutely drunk. She's a juinor in college and she's only 18. Her writings in class have showed that she had a rough home life and has been through more in her short lived lifetime than most people experience in a lifetime.

She came up to me, drunk, and told me how she met this guy and was leaving with him. I was worried, so I asked to speak with her in the bathroom because the music was so loud. We walked in and she threw up everywhere. she was laying on the floor crying and i was rubbing her back, trying to comfort her. She was leading into me and crying hysterically.

I feel like I should talk to this student. But how? What should I say?

Answer 1

You can talk to her about it, but I can almost guarantee you she would rather you didn't. She would probably be mortified if her professor asked her after class if she wants to talk about her personal life, drinking habits, boyfriends, etc.

She sounds like a lush who had too much to drink. I tended bar throughout college and there are plenty of those girls (and guys) out there. They are learning their boundaries and experimenting with alcohol. Some lessons are hard to learn, but she will probably learn them.

So she is an 18 year old junior in college? That seems a bit young. I was 21, 22 and 23 when I was a junior.

Answer 2

I take it that because you were able to go into the bathroom with her you're both female - if not, there's so much potential for trouble here that I wouldn't even begin to know how to advise. Whatever, it's very kind of you to be so concerned.

I think that the first thing you should do is check out the rules and regulations that the college lays down for behaviour between professors and students. You don't want to discover that you've accidentally crossed a line that's going to get you into trouble with your employer, and these days there's a great deal of legislation surrounding what you can and can't do, however good your motives are. While you're at it, I would try to check out what her immediate support system is - is there a pastor, a protection agency, or anyone else involved, because you might want to advise her to make more use of that support system. You need to be aware that people can accept help at first and then turn on the person who offers it (the counselling term is dependency and counter-dependency).

Can you get in touch with her, say that you're concerned - you won't need to remind her why - and suggest that the two of you meet somewhere safe? Not your house; that's literally too close to home and it might be tough to get her to leave. Somewhere like a quiet coffee bar, where there's no alcohol available and you can put a time limit on the meeting - that's important, you can always meet later but the situation needs some boundaries.

Do a spot of background reading, if you've never been in a quasi-counselling situation before: I would recommend the book I'm OK - You're OK by Amy and Thomas Harris. It's the best practical guide to helping you understand what she's likely to say and how you can respond. And think in advance about what you are, and are not, prepared to do to help her. Preparation is going to be 90% of accomplishing what she needs.

Then I'd just open up the conversation by saying that you've been worried about her ever since the incident; she's a bright kid, and as a teacher you're concerned whenever you see someone throwing their talents away; and if it were me the opening question I would use, having said all that, would be 'Where do you get your support?'

One more tip: there are times in a counselling conversation when you want to ask the question 'Why?' and I find that you're more likely to get a response if you say 'Because ....?' in a tone of voice that expects the sentence to be finished.

I hope that's a little help. All the best to you.

Answer 3

You should definitely encourage her to recognize that she is a good person, deserves to be happy, and should allow herself some self-esteem, --- and also that her conduct was not attractive or becoming to a brilliant, beautiful student.

Tell her clearly that NO one should drink to excess resulting in them being drunk and vomiting. Alcohol poisoning can become an issue.

She is clearly unhappy, confused, has emotional issues-- and the alcohol made things worse instead of better. Tell her she cannot run or hide from herself or her past, therefore she needs to learn how to deal with it which WILL come by understanding why she IS unhappy.

Tell her that everyone has unhappy and embarrassing episodes in their past, and in their lives, whether it be rape, abuse, psychological or otherwise, control-freak parents, sibling issues or whatever--- and in spite of THEM, everyone needs to learn to recognize that self-esteem must be acknowledged, self worth must be accepted, and self-control must be practiced. That includes the control of her actions, and drinking, especially in public places.

If you have observed that this kind of activity is recurring on a regular basis, encourage her to obtain couselling and take other measures, for instance, joining AA and other support groups.

SERIOUSLY. Do her a favour. She really needs to be told ALL of these things.
By the way, you did not specify otherwise, but for your own peace of mind and possible repercussions, make sure you generally avoid physical contact, except for consoling hugs if there has been any physical attraction displayed.

She will be okay once she understands that she is not alone, and IS a good person with a brilliant future. It might also be a good idea to ask her if she's pregnant--that is an issue that can be handled similarly. She is NOT a bad person either way, make sure she understands that.

Answer 4

You shouldn't talk to her,if you can't do something effectively to help her. Do something concrete to help her. Ask her what she needs. What she wants to do in life,and help her do that.If you want to involve. If you live indeed in a small town and it's not a cover up, then you will be rewarded if you help, maybe you can start a clinic of counseling teens and adults, or do something that you like, I see you like to help others in difficulty.And as teacher you have a calling.
At least you can start a counseling group, like in Hello,friends,I'm Kelly,and I need help because I had problems.
Or start something that creates a friendly enviroment and help people to use their skills and passions. This is one of the other ways to make friends. Much better than drinking alcohol together.
Like a Shakespeare club or something recreative.

Answer 5

God called on you to be a professor for a reason. You should speak with your student and push her to be all that she can be. Make her feel confident about herself, help her to build a strong mind ... thats what all the great teachers do... and your privileged to be in a position where you can truly help your students!
Teaching is not just about academics....

God bless you

Answer 6

YES talk to her, let her know you are concerned about her. If she's submitting papers that she has opened up personally in, then she probably trust's you. She definitely needs help. Refer her to a counselor or maybe even to a substance abuse treatment center. Talk to colleagues or supiors 1st, (leave her name out) and see what they suggest.

Answer 7

Are you her advisor? Wow, I wish I had more college profs like you. So many of mine really didn't care. You should let her know that you are open to talk, and that you do care. I wouldn't take it so seriously, she is 18 after all. We all do dumb things, right?

Answer 8

Steer clear....stick to your job. You must maintain a professional relationship with all your students, if anything direct her to a clinic or a professional in the re-hab field.

Answer 9

Just say to her that often times feeling is immoral, and it leads many to destruction. We need to use our mind, our reason, or the man's spiritual eye for us to see things clear and in able us to decide what really is right.

Answer 10

I wish to have profs like you!
Seriously, if you could be her prof and her friendly advisor, she might be happy.
You could take her out, make her comfortable to talk to you and advise her.
That reminds me of the novel 'Tuesdays with Morrie' ;-)