Please help with a relationship question ;(?

Question

I was engaged in September when I went out with girls for drinks and made the worst mistake in my life, by kissing another man. I was sick over it. My fiance knew that there ws something the matter. He said what ever it it we can get through it. Within 2 minutes he called his mother and our wedding was cancelled by the end of the day.
Since then(almost 6 months) we have seen each other been to counseling, but he is not willing to be my boyfriend again. I respect his decesion, but he was so shocked I wanted to stop counseling! Why would we be seeing a counselor if we cannot improve our relationship. I know this man truly loves me. Do we still ahve a chance? I feel I have done all I can do. I am so tired of crying over the same thing. I want back what was lost :(

I did not know this man I kissed. I never saw him again. Thank you for the comments!! It really is making me feel better. I am 27 he is 30. I think this is the worst I have ever felt, we have dated for five years.

Answer 1

Most people do not understand the third party rule. Whenever a dispute can not be resolved there is a hidden element of influence that is not part of the open conversation. In this case it is his mother. You are not privileged to their conversation thus can not defend your position. He loves you other wise he would not be in counseling to save the relationship with you.

You only choice to get this situation resolved is get the respect back from his mother and maybe father. You hurt their son from your action of kissing this other man. In his mothers eyes you became a the equivalent of a tramp. Would you not want to be protective of your own children?

If you love this man and take total responsibility for your actions you would meet with is parents and ask for their forgiveness for hurt their son. You would make it clear it was your mistake and you want the opportunity to regain their respect.

This is the honorable thing for you to do in this situation. This is your only chance to get control over this. It will also make your future husband respect your more in the process.

It was your mistake, take responsibility and heal everyone that has been hurt from this situation. The worst thing anyone can do is make excuses for their actions. Don't be a coward. Confront this directly with all the people that were affected. So get it handled immediately and completely.

Answer 2

Well, first - I wish you the very best of luck! I don't think you'll ever have "...what was lost" again, but you may be able to have an even better relationship. And you are right - if he no longer wants to date you - why are you in counseling together? I think you've both put a lot of effort into the relationship - which says good things about you as a couple. Did you know the man you kissed? I think you need to ask yourself whether or not he will continue to be a temptation for you. When you were in your relationship, did you ever consider cheating? I guess what I'm getting at is that it's not fair to renew your relationship if there is any chance that you would be untrue again. If you love him and feel he is the man you want for the rest of your life, then by all means - fight for him! Write him a letter - sometimes its easier to express yourself when he's not right there in front of you. Tell him how you feel and ask him what it would take to try again. I hope you can work it out...

Answer 3

He sounds like the type of man that will never forget or forgive. If you are willing to carry this around with you for the rest of your life, let him emotionally blackmail you with this event, then keep seeing him.

I would end the relationship right now, as there is a reason you kissed that man, and it wasn't just a foolish thing because you told your man what you did knowing how he would react. You are exactly where you wanted to be, where you made sure you would be, you just did not want to be the one to end your engagement and now you are stuck in limbo exactly because you don't want to be the one to say....enough.

You want what was lost? It wasn't lost, it was thrown away. Your subconscious knows what you want better than you do and before you wreck both your lives please consider carefully whether or not you really want this one and only man. He isn;t cutting it in the romance department, he isn't generous or forgiving by nature and he lied to you when he told you that whatever it is, you both will work through it. A kiss brought him to his knees and made him a liar. Imagine if something truly bad happened in your lives, like a handicapped child, a disease, an accident which disabled you, something along those lines.

I would tell him you are no longer interested in make a go of it, as you now know, because of the way he reacted to this, you know you will never be able to count on him and marriage is for better and for worse. Marriage and relationships are rough in the beginning, after the bloom is off the rose, and it takes time to smooth out the rough edges. Life is messy and hard sometimes and everyone deserves a partner that will grab on tighter when thing get tough, not let go and run away.

Sweetie, if he doesn't love you enough to forgive you, he isn't worth having. You dodged a bullet, you just don't know it yet.

Answer 4

I think the 1st thing you should do is ask him why he wants you two to go to counseling if he's not willing to be your boyfriend? That just doesn't make sense. Also, if he hasn't forgiven you in 6 months there's a big problem with him dealing with issues - very probably his mother telling him to stay away from you.

If you've cried & cried over this same issue with him and he can't forgive you, it would be a mistake to go any further in a relationship with him. Mariage is HARD. It takes work and understanding and forgiveness of each others faults & failures. It doesn't sound like he is mature enough for that commitment. You definitely don't want a husband that will be running to his mother every time you two have a problem.

Dump him now. You made a BAD mistake but he's prolonging it. Cut your loses. You found out before it was too late that he can't deal with problems. Find someone who can and avoid a bad marriage. Cry over his failure to make a good husband and the time you spent with him, don't cry over losing him - he's not what you thought he was, is he? Yep, you hurt him but he's choosing to hurt you over & over....

Answer 5

Um-mm...If you were meant to be it will be in the future. If he cant give you another chance maybe he doesn't truly love you. Maybe he needs time. You should ask yourself why did I kiss another man was it because I was Intoxicated or was it because I'm really not ready for a Marriage and This is my way of showing it. Look at all the possibility's.
I think there's always room for forgiveness in a relationship, What matters is how hard you ll actually try to make it work, A marriage is the hardest thing you'll ever have to work out, if you cant work this out you shouldn't be together.

Answer 6

It is very dissapointing that you kissed another bloke when you were already engaged and yes it is a big deal because it makes it hard for him to trust you. Also it is dissapointing that he ran to his mum for advice I can guarantee she is the one who TOLD him to call off the wedding.
If you have been to counselling and still he won't be your boyfriend any more then there is only one solution a complete no recontact break. Stop the counselling stop ALL contact with him. Place him and the whole situation behind you and never contact him again. Just put it down to you learnt a very big lesson. There is no getting back what you lost.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear what has happened. The first thing that hit me was that he told you to trust him and tell him the truth and when you did... he was overly quick to call off the wedding. While what you did you admit was a mistake...he is still punishing you.. and you are punishing yourself harder than anyone.

If you found out he did the same thing...and blamed the alcohol...what would you do? It's a tough one! Couples counseling is often the last ditch effort but what usually has happened is one party wants the relationship to work...and the other is already half way out the door. It is not always the best answer.

Kissing another man...was for him...a clincher. It's like there is no gray matter...it is just black and white.

The most important thing...is that you simply must forgive yourself. No one deserves to beat themselves up over this.

I wonder what kind of a husband he would be...when honesty is a MUST...and he so quickly turned on you. None of us are perfect and you want to be with a man who can handle the truth. From his view...I'm sure you understand though.

Please consider giving him space. I'm sorry honey...but once he said he didn't want to stay together...it is time to accept his decision.

I would tell him that you made a mistake, but you are not going to continue to punish yourself. Consider going to your own counseling for a short period of time to learn how to get through this. It doesn't make sense for you both to go when he is already 'gone'.

By giving him space...you allow things to progress that way they are supposed to.

Then...make a life for yourself based on decisions that will make you happy. Time apart from him will stop the incessant need to beat yourself up and prostrate yourself with tears and apologies. You need to rebuild your self-esteem darlin. You didn't commit a felony...you need time to get a different perspective.

While losing the one we love is the most wretched of pain...there is a reason for everything honey. Better to find out now how strong your relationship is...than go through a divorce with children.

I guess the trust issue is gone...and he can't get over it. You have to accept how people feel and love them enough to let them go.

Best wishes and please be good to you.

Answer 8

The fact that you admitted to him what you did and he did not find it in his heart to forgive you, says he was really hurt by what you did and is holding a grudge. His love for you had an image of an Angel and you blew that image. He needs to learn to love you and see you as a human being who can make a mistake. His view of you before this incedent was unrealistic and he is struggling with this. Seeing you as human with flaws is something he is not ready to do. My advice to you would be to stop being so sorry about this, stop the crying and begging. This is only satisfying his desire to punish you. Let him know that you have come to accept his decision of ending the relationship. Make an effort to move on and do not call him. This is the only way he will realise that if he does not want to lose you, then he will have to begin to make positive moves to win the love you two once shared. Otherwise he will have no incentive to make that painful move of forgiving you. Right now he is finding it easier to punish you. Also, you need to look at why he went to his mother when all this came about. You want to make sure you do not marry a mamma's boy as this will create further problems for you two in the future. Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

Sounds to me like both of you are very inexperienced in relationships. You kissed another man - BIG DEAL! If you can't let go of such small stuff, how are you expecting to handle your married life? There are SO MANY more important things to work out and obssess about when you're with the same person day in and day out for years and years to come (speaking from experience here, I'm on my 3rd marriage). It takes a lot of maturity and patience, and I mean A LOT. My advice to both of you is to grow up and realize that there will be much bigger obstacles on your path in the future. Don't sweat the small stuff. My personal feeling is that often it's best to break off a relationship that's heading down the wrong path, and start off fresh; losses are a part of life, and there's much to be learned from them. Experience is not a bad thing to have.

Answer 10

Well unfortunately you can not have back what you have lost. First of all you messed up, and you know it. You have to start forgiving yourself. Secondly you told your "ex" the truth, now he should start forgiving you. Be strong. Don't sit there and beg him to come back. Thats exactly what he wants. Show him that you can live your life with OR without him. Stop taking his phone calls everytime he calls. Get your life in order. And I agree with the "stopping" of counseling. If he isn't willing to forgive then why subject yourself to that kind of torture? Furthermore, IF this man truly loved you he would try to forgive. Lose him, he is obviously not the one for you. 6 months is a long time to hold a grudge for "kissing". He should consider himself lucky that you didn't sleep with the other guy.