Here is part of my book...what do you think so far. It is fantasy, a boy who is more special than he thinks.?

Question

“Go!”
And he did. He ran as he had never run before. He pumped his legs harder and harder, nearly tripping over his own feet. He leaped over the dead Siswi’amen, the second one, and raced out the door, heading towards the door. A cold wind had risen up, whipping against his face. He heard the man behind him.
“Do not stop,” the Siswi’amen said. “Just keep running.”
Orephain swerved around a corner. He was getting closer to the Festival. He didn’t want to lead them there, but he had no choice. He could hear the aachn howl behind him. The image of the other Siswi’amen lying dead on the Tavern floor made him race harder. He wouldn’t, couldn’t let that happen to him.
A bolt of lightning streaked from the sky. He heard a crack, and the yelp of an aachn.
“Do not stop!” the Siswi’amen behind him shouted. A strong gale was rushing all around them, howling. “Keep running!”
Orephain could see the villagers ahead of him. They were stopping uncertainly, holding on to their clothes.

Answer 1

OK, I don't understand much of the terminology. As you approach a finished work, exercise out all the passive verbs unless you want them in for a specific reason. Examples from your work:

was getting

had

could hear

was rushing

could see

were stopping

Also adverbs, especially ones that end in -ly must be removed. Editors look down their noses at those.

-uncertainly-

A few other issues.

-raced out the door, heading towards the door.-

Always try to get rid of using the same word in two consecutive sentences, or even in the same paragraph. Except for articles and prepositions etc. I'm talking about verbs and nouns. Also the above is unclear.


Try to sharpen sentences as much as possible:

-A bolt of lightning streaked from the sky. He heard a crack, and the yelp on an aachn.-

-A lightning bolt streaked through the sky, its crack preceeded the yelp of an aachn.-



-Orephain could see the villagers ahead of him. They were stopping uncertainly, holding on to their clothes.-

-Orephain saw villagers ahead. Puzzled, they clutched their clothes with uncertainty.-


Don't be too discouraged, you wrote something better than about 99% of the stuff I see here. Keep up the good work. Get a lot of books on how to write. You seem well on your way.
.

Answer 2

Its an interesting beginning; however you don't explain what the setting is or who or what 'Siswi’amen' are or 'aachn' even if these are new made up things in this world you have created you still have to clue the reader into who or what they are at first, later you can refer to them as if we all are already familiar with the phrases. But to counter what I have just said, the reason most Fantasy books work is that the author doesn't also cloud up the first several chapters of any book trying to explain all the dynamics of a fantasy world, I guess what I am trying to say is that you have to ease the reader into this kinda of genre, take it slow, describe the world around the unfamiliar words so that you can give the reader an idea about what they are reading so they can put the new words you made up and their meanings into context. But I am interested in where it goes from here, although i have no clue (by what you wrote) where when or what i am reading about. But I would love to read more...

Answer 3

I liked it but the starting of the para for some reason seemed a lot like forest gump. I think its a nice touch with the original names but the lightning bit felt like an overused clishay(dont really remember the spellin right now).

U might also give a clue bout the surroundings like "the trees/walls etc seemed to fly past as he... "

And fix the line line "and raced out the door, heading towards the door. "
change it to raced outta the" room " and make it "heading front/watever door"

Overall its pretty good.
I know its easier to pick out mistakes than to write something original but i just hope this helps.

just some constructive criticism

Answer 4

It's pretty mechanical sounding. Like. This. If. That. Makes. Any. Sense.

You might want to convey some things in either one larger sentence or use a little less detail, some things above don't need their own sentence, like nearly tripping over his feet.

It's very stop and go, when you have too many small sentences that prevents the story from flowing naturally enough.

Answer 5

Awesome!
But what the heck is a Siswi'amen? and why is it yelling at him to keep on going?
Seems like a great book so far.

Answer 6

it's good, except I kept tripping over your names. could you give orephain a nickname? and maybe you could change the spelling of siswi'amen, because that apostrophe in the middle just distracts from the story.

Answer 7

Sounds good to me

Answer 8

I like it. I think it's really good. But, if I may make a suggestion, you should use more "normal" names. Very good, though!

Answer 9

Meh.

Answer 10

Very good. I'm impressed. Please post more when you have it, i would like to find out what happens next.