wife of 9 years had two affairs I found out about in the past 12 months. Hired a Private I and found her out. 4 kids involved....how do I fix this mess? What questions should I be asking her?
2007-02-23 03:36:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Update....she tells me one was nothing and the other one she was more or less friends. Also, when should I start sleeping with her again?I still need sex, Should I ask her if she loved them?Would that make any difference? Do I want to know the details of the relationships?
2007-02-23 05:12:15 · update #1
What kind of affairs are they? is she just going out for sex on the side or are they full blown relationships in their own right?
I agree with some of the other folks, if you manage the money start moving it into an account in your name alone, if you have direct deposit move it to a private account. Next consult a lawyer in your area - almost all of them have FREE consultation for divorce.
Once you have protected your assets, you can start on either divorcing her or working though it. The lawyer will guide you through the divorce process, for working through it set up a time to talk to her when the kids are not present and ask her if she is cheating on you - if she says yes ask her why - if she says no inform her calmly that you hired a private investigator and have evidence that she has and is cheating on you and from this moment on you want nothing but honest answers. Then ask her again to tell you she is cheating on you. Once she admits to it, ask her why. Just one word, WHY? - not how could you do this to me, how could you do this to our family, just WHY?
follow up with now that this is out in the open how would you like to proceed? Let her know the options that are valid to you - Affairs STOP immediately - she contacts the men in your presence and ends it, Counseling starts IMMEDIATLY or Divorce.
You may want to get some counseling before hand yourself to be able to have this conversation. You must remain calm, not put her on the defensive, not toss blame and threats in there, you want to know where her head really is so you can procced with your life. Your tone should not be more than conversational and you need to keep calm through the whole thing.
Good luck - feel free to let me know how you decide to go and what happens - mraandmisse AT yahoo com
2007-02-23 04:11:06 · answer #1 · answered by mraandmisse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She had 2 affairs in the past 12 months, or you just found out about them in the past 12 months. First question I would have is "Do you want a divorce?" Second would be "Are these kids mine?" Typically, divorces on ground of infidelity negate any claim to alimony the wife may have (that is, if she is the one that cheated). If they are not your kids (better get tested) you are still the legal father and need to decide what to do from there.
Personally, I don't think you should put up with that crap, no matter how many kids are involved. Doesn't sound like she regrets it or plans to stop, so say "tata" and kick her out.
2007-02-23 11:50:37 · answer #2 · answered by Milana P 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, this is really serious. First step, hire a lawyer. She can go behind your back, so can you, except you're doing it with a good motive(your kids). First, find out how much collateral you 2 share and how much of that can you take away from her. If there is ANYTHING you can put solely under YOUR name, do it. Car, house, bank accounts, anything. Arm yourself with evidence. Don't confront her just yet. Have this P.I. follow her around a bit more. Have him take LOTS of incriminating pictures and video of her being unfaithful, that way, if this ever gets so ugly that it goes to trial, she won't stand a chance, and the judge will give you custody of the kids and probably the house/car etc.
Oh and by the way, so sorry you have to go through this. And hats off to you for being so concerned with your kids welfare.Remember, they come first, and they deserve to have a mother with a good moral values. Someone as immature as her DOES NOT deserve the privilege of raising kids. I know this is a very turbulent time in your life, but think of your kids, they deserve better, and so do YOU!! The road ahead is long and treacherous.But for the sake of your kids, stay strong, one day they will thank you for it. As far as asking her questions? I wouldn't talk to her without a lawyer present. Sorry hun, but at this point it's war. She decieved you and your kids.There's NO excuse for that.Keep us posted.
2007-02-23 12:08:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Forget asking her, you should really be asking yourself what do you really want to do now? If the trust is gone,then you only have one viable option here. The only bad part about a divorce is that unless you can prove her unfit or the fact exists that she couldnt provide a stable and healthy environment for the kids, she will be awarded custody as the infidelity means nothing in court anymore. So seriousily think about your options. Asking her questionsprobably wont do any good as she will probably lie anyway. Good luck
2007-02-23 11:46:33 · answer #4 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you wish to salvage the marriage, find a GOOD marriage counselor and start seeing them, individually and as a couple. It's not a definite, but most women cheat because they are not having their emotional needs met. I am not saying it is justified, just providing some information. Also, she needs to agree to discontinue outside relationships and work on what the two of you have. You must first determine if you're on the same page before you can work on fixing anything.
2007-02-23 11:49:25 · answer #5 · answered by Michele D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems the trust has gone,
Do you really want to be with someone you dont trust? Someone that you are always going to be wary of?
People cheat because there is something wrong in the marriage
Believe me if you are in the marriage for the kids, then maybe you should reconsider!
Kids often do better in one parent families than in families where there are often arguments.
2007-02-23 11:43:06 · answer #6 · answered by Beth123456 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whether she would prefer to send the child support check on the first or the fifteenth of the month.
Slightly more serious answer: You need to take care of your money and your property now, otherwise she'll clean you out before the divorce and leave you unable to protect your rights in court.
2007-02-23 11:39:33 · answer #7 · answered by Chris A 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
1st... It's her mess. two things you can do, 1st confront her about it and go from their.
2nd.. leave it alone. Start Getting your money and credit cards in order, Get a Lawyer Get thing ready on your side. Do all this before, you tell her that you know. Protect yourself 1st. You know the DRILL. " THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE '.
2007-02-23 11:44:39 · answer #8 · answered by railroad_joe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask her if she wants the mess fixed. If so, go to marriage counseling TOGETHER.
2007-02-23 11:47:56 · answer #9 · answered by V 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dump her and claim custody based on the facts.
Sorry bud.
2007-02-23 11:41:26 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋