Should I stay or should I go? Marriage in trouble ! ! !?

Question

OK, so i've been with my wife for 10 years (now 27). We've been going through a real hard patch recently and I've moved out of the marital home. We have three beautiful kids who I love dearly.

The thing is we have been working on things for the past three months and i thought things were getting better until the other night. We had an argument over something relatively small

Monday night I came round to chat about the issues and I thought that we had it covered but it seems that my wife didn't understand my point of view and thought i meant something completely different

my point is there is obviously a communication breakdown and this is making things very hard. my wife thought I was being unreasonable with my issues but doesn't actually know what my issues are.

i compremise all the time to try to make things better but it like she doesn't want to see my point of view. she doesn't want to go to councelling and I'm wondering if I should leave fully to see if she misses me

The issues are
(1) My wife wants more time on her own so she can get out of the house as she is with the kids all day.

(2) I want her to be more affectionate and to return the favour a bit with doing nice things.

I want my wife to go out to see friends and family as much as she feels she needs to as I dont want her to feel trapped, which has affected our elationship. My point is that I want her to set the limits but I want her to consider how I feel when deciding how much time she should spend out of the house. I would also like it if she was back by 11:30 if its a school days so she doesn't feel like crap taking the kids to school (she has to drive) and so I dont feel like crap at work the next morning (because i wait up for her) and that she is back by 3:00 if she is going to a club. Is this unreasonable?

On the intimacy side of things, I would like my wife to make more of a effort to find times for intimacy (not just sex) I feel this is important to our relationship !

OK, a little more informaiton is required.

My wife has been trying very hard to sort through the issues outside of counciling but half the time i dont know how she feels and I find myself asking her all the time if she is OK. I want this to work and I think if we can get over this then we can truely be happy again.

Right now my wife is asleep in the bedroom because we were sat up until 2am talking about the problem. for some reason it is always midnight before we talk and I still dont know what was decided. It's not like I want hard and fast rules but I dont even know how my wife feels. I have tried to take everything she has said on board and have made a lot of changes so that I can make her happy.

I asked her today for five minuets to chat so that I cant find out how she feels now that I have explained what i meant the other night but she doesn't want to talk about it. I get the impression that we are still working on things but I can't be sure. I'm so worn out now.

Hi again

My wife asked me to leave in November and I have been hoping to move back in but it's not the right time and I can't force my way back in as it would forcing my wife into it.

It isn't that I want to dictate when my wife should be home and she doesn't go clubbing all the time. I would like my wife to decide how often she wants to go out and when she wants to be in but we all have our bounderies and if my wife said she wanted me in by 10pm I would respect that. I just want my wife to be happy and get out of the house more, but i don't want it to mean that we dont spend any quality time together and the relationship should take presidence. I realise the importance of getting free time but for the marriage to work we need to be considerate to each others needs. I would much rather spend time with my wife than out with friends but it's not my place to force my ideas onto my wife. I'm just trying to be fair I think?

Answer 1

I'm always suspicious of people who don't want to go to counselling. Whyever not?
It sounds like you've got a communication problem. Please put yourself in your children's shoes. Your wife isn't the only who who will miss you.
Why don't you try writing your point of view down and ask your wife to comment?
PS I read your additional comments. Why don't you and your wife go out together? Hire a babysitter once a week and go out for the night. If she feels she needs to go out with her friends, who are these friends who are more important than her family?
I think she's behaving very immaturely, to tell the truth.

Answer 2

The second part of your posting gave me a better idea of what's all involved here. Your wife does need some time away from the house and kids. A change of scenery and a physical/mental break from the daily grind can really do wonders for a gal's general well-being. I personally found it hard to adjust to my role at home during mat leave and felt the need for an outing. I felt frustrated, guilty and even harboured some resentment for my husband's seemingly unaffected life.

A break from the grind can give a person a renewed interest in being a good mother and a good wife. You should enable her to have regular outings at a time that suits everyone. However, there are some stipulations. First, you absolutely CANNOT expect this so called "favour" to be returned. You don't give gifts with strings...that just isn't fair nor how love works. I don't doubt that she senses the expectation you've placed on her and is not happy about it.

Maybe it's not the case, but the way you've worded the specifics of the time away, you sound more like her father than her husband..no offense. She's old enough to mind herself without you giving her a curfew or waiting up for her. Although I don't think it's exactly appropriate for a married mom to club it up 'til 3am on a weekday, perhaps she's been reacting extremely for some payback or her social network of singles are leading her down this path. If this isn't recurring behaviour I wouldn't sweat it, but if it's routine to stay out late at clubs, I would then question her motives because it's more than just about "getting out".

The one concern I have that it's easy to fall into is having completely separate lives as a couple. First mistake: moving out. What does that accomplish anyway? You've just run away from your wife and kids and the problems. This is for better or worse business here or did you skip that vow. Maybe she asked you to or your motivation was well intended but it doesn't make it right. Secondly, You need to have date nights --- together and away from the house and kids because it's hard to create any sort of intimacy with distractions about. And finally, get in tune with your wife on a regular basis. Ask about her day, compliment her or something she's done, help with dishes or bathing the kids. Small (unselfish) gestures go a long way to making someone feel good and only when she feels good can she reinvest in the relationship.

Answer 3

For communication problems, the best solution, after she's said something you repeat in your words what she said and ask her if that is what she meant. If no, have her repeat again until you get it right.

Same goes for after you say something - she repeats it until she gets it right.

That way you both understand what the other is saying. After all since we're from different planets (Mars & Venus) it helps to get on the same wave length...

Ummm, is she interested in what you say? Sorry to ask, but it doesn't sound like it.

I've found a set of DVD's on improving a marriage relationship that I'm going through (unfortunately alone at this point) and it has helped. It's through Restoration International - set of 26 DVD's that were broadcast on Christian TV. You don't have to be a Christian to benefit from the advice. It does mention prayer and such but that is not the focus. The focus is on how to treat each other. You can work on the marriage without her, and if there is an under lying aspect of she's not happy with the marriage at all there are tips on how you can change that.

http://www.restoration-international.org/eng/materials_cat_dvd.html (It's the Marriage Heart-to-Heart as seen on 3ABN, 26 DVDs that you'd want.)


Do you still live outside the home? If it was not her idea then you need to move back in. Distance will not make the heart grow fonder. Get those DVDs and learn how to show love in ways that she will recognize.

Answer 4

Not being "heard" in a marriage is very frustrating. If your wife won't go to counseling then just get a friend you both agree on to mediate. It helps alot when you two talk and then the person can ask "Now what did he/she say". That will help in saying one thing and it being taken for another.
Being a divorced and remarried person myself, there comes a time when you will have to decide if you have done everything in your power to try and work things out. Then you have to make a decision if you can live with the way it is...or move on. Don't stay together for the kids. Kids are smart and know when mom and dad aren't happy.
I'm sure she will miss you if you leave...but will it be for the reasons you want? Don't confuse comfort and stability with love and want.

Answer 5

Hi. Just want to say I know how you feel. I'm pretty much in the same boat, I've been to counselling twice but my husband refuses to as 'he' hasn't got a problem!
We don't talk and I find it hard to tell him how I feel as it ends up in an argument. It's great that you can open up to each other even if it is the middle of the night.
Obviously I can't comment on what you should do as I know what I should be doing, I just can't bring myself to do it. (4 kids involved).
If you've tried over and over then really there isn't a relationship left. Kids may be better off with 2 parents who although they're not living together, they're also not arguing all the time.
I hope you sort it out and do what's best for you.

Answer 6

Good well written question.
You sound so workable in this relationship.
Normally I would say counseling is the only solution I see, but since she won't go at this point, perhaps you have the best thought and that is to give her some space.
Leave only with the intention you stated, to see if she misses you, and I feel certain that she will.
There where times when my husband and I where at odds, and I for whatever reason, at the time pushed him away, but had I thought he was leaving me, I would have been devastated.
It took some humbling to share that.
You were married young, maybe a short separation and then hopefully a re commitment to each other and your family will come about and get that love back, that closeness that you had, you know those moments that meant the most to the both of you.
I pray for your children at this time, they are the ones most affected and their memories need to be sweet.
Please, please don't argue in front or ear shot of them.
Good Luck and your plan just has to be the solution.
Blessings on you all~~~~Jill

Answer 7

I have to tell you, if you are okay with her going to clubs you are headed down the wrong path. It's great that you guys cherish the kids, but you both need to cherish the marital relationship as well. Why does she want time to herself AWAY from you? That doesn't seem right. Why isn't she pushing for a babysitter so you guys can have date nights and that sort of thing?

If she isn't interested in getting time with you, and or time by herself at home or at a spa or whatever, I really question just what it is she is after here. Maybe she is feeling cheated out of her youth and is trying to get some of that back, she still wants to experience being single.

Counseling is probably something that would be good, but really, you need to have some frank discussions with her about what it is that she REALLY wants, and see what's up and what you can do to help. Hopefully things aren't damaged to the point where you can't work them out.

Answer 8

If your wife refuses to go to marriage guidance counselling perhaps you should go along alone and try leading by example & even if she doesn't it's still going to be beneficial to the situation if you go alone. There is too much grey area in situations like this to be able to give an objective answer especially when children are involved. I personally believe if love is there it's always worth seeing it through, but I'm a bit of a romantic deep down. But yeah my advice is to go counselling on your own if your wife wont go with you and hopefully that way you will be able to get some clarity on the situation and make the right decisions decisions for your family. Good luck and God Bless you. I wish you all the best for your children and yourself.

Answer 9

Reading several excellent responses (but not the seemingly-obligatory "move on" idiocy) above mine, I have only two things to add:

1) Writing your thoughts is a great idea, but I recommend email. When my wife and I are feeling strongly emotional about an issue, it can be very helpful to write out our thoughts in emails, because the back-and-forth can then proceed with documentation. You can say, "See that first email -- I didn't say what you are saying I said!" Using emails provides a nice, slow (but not snail mail slow) communication process whereby you can express both thoughts and feelings while still eliminating the stress of face-to-face confrontation.

2) You need to move back in. Your kids need you, and, if it should come to a divorce, your legal position will be weakened by being the one who moved out. Also, moving out is, in my opinion, both unmanly (a man's home is his castle) and a tacit admission that you are in the wrong. Time to get assertive with your needs and expectations. By the way, don't sleep on the couch, either. If your wife doesn't want you sleeping with her, tough -- she can go sleep in a different room if she doesn't like it.

Answer 10

There are steps you can take to actually build a strong, stable marriage and avoid divorce. Read here https://tr.im/gOSem

Here are some key steps to apply to your marriage:

- Start by understanding and being informed.

You can never be too informed about tools, methods and studies about building successful marriages. Understand the risk factors like your age and maturity at marriage can determine how successful it will be, the anatomy of an affair and what you can do after infidelity. Understand the success factors like the personal and psychological circumstances that will influence your marriage, what are the tools and approaches available to you in dealing with conflict, and numerous other relevant data. All this information is readily available to you whether through self-help material, through a counselor, support group or other venues. In fact, we have made it our commitment to provide these to you in different formats to help you make the best marriage you can.

The thing is, remember, this is information is not available for you to begin hyper-psychoanalyzing your relationship, yourself and your partner. It's not a matter of spewing trivia for the sake of conversation ' information is there for you to ponder over and internalize to help you transform yourself and your marriage. That includes maturing to such a point that you become more competent in your knowledge but more prudent in approach.