Domestic Violence?

Question

Statistics given by John Hopkins University states. Every year 3.4 million women are abused and 1200 - 1500 are killed by their abusers. What can be done to protect these women, and change the attitudes that cause such violence, and femicide?

Answer 1

I am a survivor of domestic violence....my 6 year old was conceived during a 3 day ordeal while i was handcuffed beaten raped and held at gunpoint in my ex husbands basement......I did not marry a bad boy.....the man I met was sweet....kind, gentle....the wedding night things changed.....i said something at the reception and when we were alone....he told me i was stupid for saying something like that.....that was how our cycle started.....he would point out daily how stupid I was....how I couldn't survive without him telling me what to do and how to do it.....I married him at 26 and had a college degree.....but slowly without realizing I began to believe I was incapable of even knowing how much toilet paper to use after going to the bathroom.......If I ever said anything...his response was always that he loved me and he just wanted me to be the best person I could be ........after a year of this emotional teartown came the first physical abuse......it wasn't a black eye....I was pregnant and he kicked me out of bed for breathing too loudly........then he grabbed my hair and pulled me back into bed ......when i sat on the bed in disbelief crying.....and hurting.....he explained to me.....how it was my fault...he had mean't to grab my arm to help me back into bed and I must have moved......he cried.....he was sorry.....i got flowers......I felt bad.....how could I have done such an awful thing to him.....he was just trying to help me....these abusers are expert manipulators........not bad boys.......they are controlling.......and insecure........I went into shelter the day I got out of the handcuffs.......I was told not to leave for 2 weeks as he had been let out on bail and my life was in danger......as soon as I was able to leave the shelter I filed for divorce......Please do not assume that I or any other woman or man who endure one day or many years of abuse enjoy being hit ......or that we confuse black eyes for love......we don't.......... we were not looking for bad boys.......the bruises from the black eyes go away......but the emotional wounds sometimes are with you for a long time.....so don't asume because you are 21 and educated it can't happen to you.......maybe more survivors both men and women need to come forward and talk about their stories......so ignorance can be defeated....and no more statements will be made that imply we were abused because we thought a black eye was love.....sorry for the rant....

Answer 2

Looking for love in all the wrong places.
At one time we had match makers to help youth make a very important decision that impacts the rest of your life.
I don't think anyone starts out in life thinking: "I'm going to be an abuser." There are many factors involved on both sides, but I agree, once its initiated, there should be some kind of community support for both sides. If drugs or alcohol are involved, then even more support should be in place. I know that you can't force people into rehab (either for drug abuse or spousal abuse), but people should be aware that there is help out there and there should be no shame attached to it either. I think shame, like a man admitting he's a "wife-beater", can ruin your reputation in the community, especially if you live in a small community (although the likelihood of everyone knowing what's going on anyway is high)

"Life-skills" programs are out there for anyone to take, since it is very often proven that these sorts of people learn this behaviour from their own parents. You've just got to dig a little.

I don't think its a problem that goes away easily, since people hide it. Not all bruises occur on the face. But when such things occur, alot of people think "its none of my business". So the victim is often victimized twice in this way.

On a personal level, we should all be aware of steps to take when we see abuse occur or if we know or suspect it is taking place.

The police now have to remove one or the other from the house if they are called in to a domestic situation, even if the woman insists that everything will be okay and she doesn't want to press charges. I think that's a commendable policy.

Answer 3

The first thing we need to do is to stop blaming the woman. Regarless of the situation. It is NEVER her fault. There can be many reasons and circumstances that keep woman in abusive relationships. Number one being that it is difficult to leave for many reasons. Woman who leave abusive relationships have a 75% higher chance of being murder. So get educated before you judge.

No I have never been raped or abused physically or sexually. But I believe that education is the key.

EVERYONE needs to be educated on the facts.

You have made a great start just by posting this question. You raised awareness in people's minds and got them thinking about it even if they didn't want to. And even if they have a bad attitude toward it now, that can change. At least you are trying to do your part.

There are many organizations, both public and private, that educate people about domestic violence, sexual abuse and rape. There are books, websites, community centers, seminars, public speakers, events, and much more surrounding this subject. You could even start your own if you have the time and the initiative.

Sorry for the rant. Proud of you for noticing that there is a problem and hope that more and more people see it that way and try to make a difference.

Answer 4

Its cultural thing. In many countries its traditional family situation, man is a boss, woman obeys, and thats the way it was, is and will be. In "modern countries" where family takes different forms it happens for some other reasons, again some problems with roots in wrong way growing up, both for men and women. What can be done...well it would take time, patience and pressure. Should be regulated by low, campaigners ...

I think new religion could solve that and many other problems. Old testament with Adam and Eva story should be at least cancelled.

Answer 5

Its a hard thing to change when the women themselves keep putting themselves in the situation,
I am a young, attractive, intelligent, educated woman, yet have found myself in 2! abusive relationships,
The first with an older man which lasted 2 years and then with someone my age who was exceptionnaly violent and caused me 2 miscarriages,
I ended up going in for emergency surgery on the second and my boyfriend wouldnt come to the hospital with me as I had been rude to him earlier, he went out to a gig and when I was released from hospital he told me he had left the mess I had made whilst losing the baby, as it was MY MESS!

Looking back, I cant believe I put myself through it, BUT at the time, I chose to not acknowledge what was happening to me and made excuses,

I dont know why I stayed and I cant honestly say that if something were to happen with someone else that I would be quick to leave, I would like to think I would, but in all honesty, I cant guarantee I would leave.

I didnt really answer the question, but wanted to share, it can happen to anyone and it doesnt matter who you are, you might not be as pro active in stopping it as you might like to think

Answer 6

It's a self-esteem thing. A woman or girl can have excellent self-esteem going into a relationship like that, but she will decline emotionally once he starts to verbally abuse her. At first, it's just calling her dumb. This escalates into calling her a *****, then slapping, then hitting, then..............

The men who abuse are cunning in that way. It starts small with a lot of apologies afterward and promises never to let it happen again, but "baby, don't make me hit you" is the thing he says. Then it becomes her fault. She starts to feel bad for causing him to hit her and for making him angry. She loves him and doesn't want to make him angry. She becomes ashamed of herself for causing so much trouble in the relationship. She may know that it's wrong for him to hit her, but she thinks that she can stop it by just being a good enough girlfriend or wife.

Abuse is very insidious and unless you've been in that situation, it's not fair to make assumptions about what YOU would do. I always thought that I would NEVER let a man ever hit me and I ended up staying for 18 years! I always thought he would change or that I would just do it better.

The answer to abuse is to quit socializing boys to be violent. Stop them from hitting or hurting others, starting at a young age. I think that abuse and the attitudes that allow it start young in the boy's home. He learns from his father that women are second class and put on Earth to serve men. They watch the power their father has over them, their siblings and their mother. THEY want that when they grow up!

Men who abuse need to be punished severly, but how can you do that if the woman continually defends him and doesn't report most of the abuse?

I have taught my daughters about the cycle of abuse and how it starts so small and can escalate quickly. There are many factors that go into it, but these are a few. I believe in teaching abuse prevention in junior high - or even elementary school, as the attitudes first display themselves awfully young.

Answer 7

this is a
catch22"...tougher laws may help, but then the abuser has to first commit the act.....educating women...well perhaps....more safe houses, more Internet sites...more toll free numbers....more volunteers...I really don't know....I was one of the lucky ones 30 years ago...I had a friend at work who sheltered me for 6 weeks till I was able to relocate after an abusive 3 yr marriage...looking back, could I have been prevented myself from entering this marriage in the first place had I more knowledge before hand ?..maybe.....

Answer 8

I agree that it is not aways the bad boy. I have one who started off great and wonderful, slowly the verbal cut downs started, you don't even realize it is happening and then one day you really think that you are worth nothing, can't live without being told what to do and how to do it. You think you are a bad mother. You finally realize what is going on and you KNOW what they are capable of, and you are scared to death, especially if you have kids{I do, not his, thank god}. But what good are you going to be to your kids if you are DEAD.
This is soooooooo not a black and white thing. I never understood before, once you live {and you never think you will, because you are smarter than that} you get it, but getting it and being to just walk away is not always easy. Don't forget we are talking about walking away from someone who will go to great length to keep you.

Answer 9

First off, we can stop differentiating between male-dominated domestic abuse and female-dominated domestic abuse. Once we reach that point, we should take every strike on a person as a new count of assault, and ever injury with a deadly weapon an attempted murder.

Life sentences would rack up very quickly at this point.

Answer 10

Unfortunately some of the prevention has to be placed on the women who constantly put themselves in that cycle of abuse. Self esteem problems start at a young age, but how do you stop a woman from thinking that love is a black eye.What makes a woman like me in my thirties never allowing a guy to even speak bad about me, from a woman in her fifties being with various men who have almost killed, and loving them regardless. It's easy to blame the men, they are the agressors....but they would have no one to beat if they didnt have some woman living with them and taking the beating. I know my point of view is harsh but after so many friends (one male) who have been abused and regecting help, or worse getting help from us to only go back for more beatings.