Marry Me Or Leave?

Question

I guess I want to vent and get some advise. I am 25 pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. We are very happy about our child we are bringing into our lives. I told my parents last night about my pregnancy they were not happy but they were not made. They are disappointed that me and my boyfriend are not married and we are having a child. I guess that is how all parents would react. But what I was told by them was that I need to make my boyfriend marry now before the baby gets her. And if he does not marry me to have nothing to do with him. Don’t see him , don’t let him see the baby and take him for all the child support that I can. Am I wrong for feeling that that is a terriable thing to do..I feel as though me and my boyfriend will get married one day we have talked about it before even before I knew I was pregnant but why rush and do it now just cause of a baby. Is that going to make the marriage last, is that really going to help our child. Or us loving and caring and providing for the child what matters most married or not. Any advise. Should I tell my boyfriend look marry me or its over or should I continue to try to work this out and us be a family and see what the future holds for us. So confused. Has anyone else been thru this?

Answer 1

You are living together, having a child... if he is man enough and love you, he would ask you to marry him. If not, he will have you for another 8 years living there with him and NO commitment.

I say, wait a little and see. If he doesn't propose and wants to keep on living on a no-strings attached relationship, then don;t waste yoru time. Your parents are somewhat right, they don;t want you to keep on waiting forever and waste your precious youth years for marriage and then end up being and okld maid with a child that no one wants.

Be wise, wait and if he is not into getting married, then do yourself a favor and break it off and find someone that is wanting a family and is commitment mided as that is going to provide a home for the baby.

Good luck

Answer 2

The pregnancy is new...the dynamics between you and your boyfriend will evolve into a new light. Emotions will grow and a possible closeness will come into play - unless he really doesn't love you. This will bring out a new dimension in your relationship the closer you get to the birth - dynamics will change - hopefully for the better. You may grow closer than you have ever been or this new entity may accelerate what would eventually happen and have a negative impact on the relationship. What ever you do, don't make your guy feel trapped or he may do an about face on you. Share the excitement with him, talk to him, comfort him. A guy will also have new emotions and will react differently - its a HUGE step to being a child into the world and since it was a surprise, do not be shocked if there is some reaction from your guy taht may not be pleasing - just be prepared and give him some time to adjust to this new chapter in his life and yours. You will start to have new reactions also - this is normal so give both of you some time to settle into the whole new situation. You must talk with him and discuss all of this. It is too new, do not draw conclusions - feel your way through it for awhile and you will see a new light between you and him. This is ground Zero again - a new starting point - a new oppotunity for both of you. The last thing either of you need is added pressure that is unnecessary. Just go with the flow for awhile. Your motherly instinctrs will come into play as the pregnancy progresses. It will be exciting for you and possibly him. A time to share, grow and evolve. Don't worry about the parents. It is not and end to anything....it is a beginning. Discuss the possibility of marriage but slowly - no pressure. Good luck to all three.....

Answer 3

Personally I think your parents gave you some horrible advice. It’s advice that clearly is not even taking the child’s best interest into consideration. It’s always in a child’s best interest to have a good, healthy, loving relationship with BOTH parents. But your parents advised you to cut Boyfriend out of the child’s life just because you’re not married? Geez.

And by the way, it won’t work. Married or not, if you leave, then he can petition the court to establish paternity, and once that’s done he can file for custody and/or visitation. He might not get custody (then again, he might get joint custody), but he will DEFINITELY get visitation. And all the child support that he'll be ordered to pay will be all that’s allowed by the state—nothing more than that.

Talk to your boyfriend about this. Often times in a case such as this if the couple intended to someday get married anyway, they just go ahead and do it earlier than planned. But if he feels pressured into doing it, then it will likely cause more damage than good. And by the way, the fact that a child is born to an unmarried couple is no longer a stigma, so MERELY being pregnant is not a good reason to marry. But, again, if you planned to someday get married anyway....

EDITED TO ADD:

The fact that you’re not married does not mean that Boyfriend cannot be listed on the birth certificate as the father. Nor does it mean that the child can’t carry Boyfriend’s name. But, in order for Boyfriend to be listed on the birth certificate (if you’re not married at the time of the birth) both you and him will have to sign an acknowledgment of paternity/declaration of paternity/affidavit of paternity/whatever it’s called in your particular state.

Please note that everything I've said is based on the assumption that you live in the U.S. If you live in another country then the laws may be different.

Answer 4

Now that you two will be having a child then you will both have to think of what is best for your child. I am concerned of how many girls now a days sell themselves so short by living with a boyfriend without a commitment of marriage. You question should not be "should my boyfriend marry me", but "why has my boyfriend not married me". A man that hs no incentive to marry is usually due to he has not reason to. He already is getting it all, why marry? Relationships can be difficult, without any kind of a commitment the chances of you two breaking up one day are greater. Your child should come into the world to a more stable home, with two loving parents who are committed by marriage to become a family. Until you two do this, then you will only be his girl friend, he your boyfriend who have a baby together. To be a family there has to be marriage. Listen to your parents. Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

My daughter is 22 and living with a guy. I don't like this arrangement, but I have come to terms with it. Unlike you, she says she's never going to have children. Consequently, her not being married is not TOO big a deal to me. But, I have told her this: "If you ever do decide to have a baby, get married first!" Your parents are expressing frustration because you handled two extremely important life decisions out of order. It is always best to get married first and then have a baby. Unfortunately, what's done is done. Your parents want you to put maximum possible pressure on your bf to marry you, and, while I can't blame them for wanting their grandchild to be born into a legitimate family, it's too late now.

The cold, hard fact of the matter is that you got pregant by a man who, as of today at least (and the future cannot be predicted) does NOT want to marry you.

Answer 6

The advantages to marrying are many. First, the child will have the same last name as both his/her mother and father. It helps form their idendity in as a family. Another advantage to the child is that even in a world where many children come from broken families there is some sense of "normalcy" when the parents are married and stay together.

An advantage for you is that as it stands now you probably do not have access to your boyfreinds health benefits. You will need a lot of medical attention over these next 9 months. Medicine costs money and is a lot cheaper if you have insurance to pay for it.

Finally, even in a world where 1/2 of marriages end in divorce, being married can give a sense of security to you. This will help you as you carry your bably.

As for your parent's advise, it is awful. First, you cannot legally stop your childs father from seeing his child unless you go to court. No only is it illegal it is immorale. Every child needs to know that both of their parents love them and care for them.

You have had 25 years to live your life for yourself, to live it in order to fullfill what makes you happy. Now you are going to need to change your priorities and make decisions based on what is best for your child. Your boyfriend needs to start making the same adjustments in his thinking.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Your parents need to get a grip on reality. First of all, this isn't the 50's so shotgun weddings usually don't happen too often. Second of all, you are 25. Time to grow up and tell your parents to mind their own business and if the get mad that you do not want to push your bf into marriage, THEY will be the one's not to see the kid. It's your life and your choice.
loving and caring and providing for the child is what matters most.

Answer 8

you are an intelligent girl. what do YOU think??? marrying/not marrying will it make a diff to ur relationship?
if u have already talked abt it, it WONT BE FAIR to force the guy for marriage nw.
if u feel the way ur parents do, pls tell him in so many words that u r inclined to agree with them.maybe he will take the requisite initiative then?
ia am sorry i dnt knw any1 with a similar predicament as things R different out here in the east.
pls work it out amongst urselves like mature adults.
you dont need stress rite now.u need to be calm and peacefu in the mind or ur baby wil come 2 knw that mommy is distressed.
dont let other people interfere in ur lives so much, YOU see what is to be done, see what gives YOU happiness.
marriage needs to have a stronger foundation than that of blackmail.
if you HONESTLY agree with ur parents, then you shud maybe stay apart for a few days and try to decide with a cool mind...dont be rash. its the quest of ur life, ur baby's life n ur bf's life.
be brave...

Answer 9

Ummm.....excuse me but didn't your mom cut the umbilical cord 25 years ago. Too bad for her, this is not her decision. My opinion is that you are on the right tracks with your thoughts. You are looking out for the best interest of the child. If he isn't ready to get married and you did all of those horrible things, think of how it would affect the baby. Plus if he isn't ready and you two go through with it, chances are it isn't going to last long and you'll end up with the same results as if you pressured him. Give your relationship the chance to last and don't bring that kind of drama into your life.

I'm sure your parents only want the best for you but the majority of the time what they want is what is best for them and not necessarily for you.

Answer 10

I have a co-worker who got his girlfriend pregnant and they have bought a house together and are happy together, but yet still not married. The pressure you are talking about applying in the relationship is not the answer. Remember every action has an equal and opposite reaction-the laws of physics do somehow apply here. Be happy together if you marry later well cool if you don't and stay together forever well that's cool as well. Good luck.