He's continue to talk to his dying ex wife who has feelings for him?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months and are having a baby together. I know that he continues to talk to his ex wife, who is basically dying due to all types of different illness. They divorced a year ago afer being together for 2 years; they divorced b/c she got sick and wanted him to move on with his life. He says he wasn't happy there, but felt guilty right after the divorce b/c he feels he abandoned her. He calls her once every 2-3 weeks "to say hi" and has told me that she talks about "what could have been" if she hadn't gotten sick and that he was/is the love of her life. He says I'm overreacting (which is possible due to hormones) about being upset and unconfortable, but when I pointed out that he would be the exact same way and even worse, he agreed. He said that I should just be "the better person" and he's not going to stop talking to her. Do I have the right to be upset about this? What would you do?

Answer 1

Poor you, that's a toughie - yes I think you do have a right to be upset / feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately though it makes you the bad person for feeling that way. Have you got a friend you could vent to instead? As she is dying I guess you just have to accept that they will be friends until she goes and it must be a difficult position for him too. He can't exactly turn his back on her. So I would be understanding towards him and find someone else to cry to until she goes. He's chosen you and you have a baby to look forward to, so you are the lucky one. Ride with it, this won't be forever.

Answer 2

The stess of her sickness sounds to be what mainly ended there relationship. And yes had she not got sick they would proberly still be together and inlove. She may have wanted him to move on because she was thinking more about him than herself. She loved him enough to let him live again with out being around sickness everyday. Its something she can't do because she is the one inflicked. You don't just stop loving especially when there is no reason to really stop loving the person. I mean yes he is with you and loves you but there will be a part of him with her forever until death because she didn't betray him she actually just gave him a life back. He is chooses to be with you and has made the choice to do so, But he should be there for her until the end because really his vows were death to them part so even with an invitation out he will have and should have guilt for not sticking by her side because if the shoes were reversed she would not have proberly taken the invitation out. I really feel sorry for her and him that they didn't cherish these last years as a couple and then him do some healing and move on. Especially with yall having a child now this could bite you in the butt.
I do wish the best for all but Let him love her the way he can up to the boundries of being in a new relationship with you. If you were her and knew you did something selfless like let him go even when you didn't really want to you would want him to fight to stay in your life to.
There is nothing wrong with them talking about what could have been and sharing some intimacy in her last days.

She showed how much she loved him and you need to do the same

Answer 3

Amanda - wow, you are in a really tough spot. Being pregnant already isn't helping my advice any because what I'm going to say is tough. It's been only four months and you are pregnant already - you had to have known when you started seeing this guy that he was still talking to his ex-wife to the capacity that he is - yet you did nothing to protect yourself at all. Generally a year is long enough for him to be ready to move on since they were only married 2 years - however, the fact that the ONLY reason he "agreed" to the divorce is because she's - sick should have been a huge red flag to you. The man is in love with her, that never stopped, even if she wasn't dying (which of course only compounds the love he has for her) why would you go out with a man who's in love with another woman - that's just a bad idea. Okay, all of this you know already....the first thing my mom told me when I got pregnant at 17 is "a baby doesn't stop the show - it makes it harder - but life goes on". She was right - I had a choice - I could become a statistic - go on welfare and live poor - or I could do what was HARDER and make it through school and eventually get a degree. Trust me when I say while it won't be easy, you CAN have this baby - alone. You are going to have to move on until a time when he "may" get over her - but right now he's just not going to. You can either deal with things the way they are, burying your own feelings (and yes, you have every right to be upset even though you put yourself in that situation, it still hurts) or you can move on and take care of yourself and your child. It's a tough situation, but you are going to have to make a choice - he's simply unwilling and probably unable - because of his guilt - to make any decisions in your favor. You deserve better than to live in the shadows of an almost-dead woman - and after she dies, he'll need a grieving period. Now some blame for him, he was dead wrong for starting a relationship with you, let alone getting you pregnant under the circumstances. He should have known he was capable of giving you what you deserve. But since he's not looking out for you, YOU are going to have to look out for yourself. Good luck, it's going to be hard but you can do it.

Answer 4

The woman is dying.
He calls her once every 2 to 3 weeks, I don't think that is so terrible.
Put yourself in her shoes for a second.
She told her husband to divorce her so that he would be free while she slowly died. She just wants to know how he is doing and that he is ok, if that helps give her some peace, what's the harm. If he was truely the love of her life, all she would want in this world is for him to be happy, now and after she is gone, and you are a part of that happiness he has.
You have a right to be uncomfortable about it, but what do you want the poor guy to do?
It's not like its going to be like this forever, she will die, and life will go on.

Answer 5

Good lord..

Look, he left her.. he wasnt happy with her, he left her knowing she was sick.. so if he wanted to be with her he would be, but he's not, he's simply calling every few weeks to check on her out of his own guilt, he's not trying to rekindle anything, he is just caring for another human being that once did mean a great deal to him.. she's dying, of course she's doing the "what if's" its about all she has, she doesnt have a future like u do.. she's clinging on to everyone and everything she can because she is dying and she's scared.. Its not like she's just sick in the hospital and she's going to recover and she's using her illness as away of getting attention from him..in hopes of a future with him.. She's dying for petes sake..

Dont u have a heart at all???? Its not like he's at her bedside 24/7 and neglecting u , he's with u daily and calling her only once every couple weeks... if this was a male friend would u be so upset? NO!!!!!!! u'd be supporting him, its ur jealousy that is making u act this way, not whether its "right" or "not".. he's doing the right thing by caring about someone that is dying..

What would i do? Id back off..and let him do what he needs to do, id realize this is only temporary, and he's not doing it out of trying to get back with her.. he's doing it because this is someone he once cared for, and its the "RIGHT" thing to do even if it "doesnt Feel good, to be doing it"..

Answer 6

Look sweetie....this chick was in love with him and let him go so he could find someone else. I'm sure she is still in love with him. You don't just stop loving someone over night you know.
Put yourself in her shoes. If you were dying, wouldn't you want to have the person you love the most there for comfort?
You said yourself he only talks to her once every 2-3 weeks. I know you shouldn't have to share the man you love. But this is different. It really just sounds like your boyfriend is trying to be there for this woman he used to love.
If you could understand from his point of view. Don't make this an issue...it could hurt your relationship with him. Make him see you are a confident woman who trust him.

Answer 7

Hi, friend. first of all, plzzzz IGNORE all mean replies. this world is full of wickedness and spite let lose.
dont let it bother you.
you are nt being selfish, i mean you have not DONE anything, except reach out to people with the hope that someone will understand.
firstly, stop worrying. if ur calm, peaceful, happy, ur baby will catch the mood too.
secondly, its NATURAL to feel what u are feeling. ur not a saint, a humanbeing.
thirdly, i believe that a person, whether hz ur boyfriend or you or me or anyone for that matter must not "carry baggage" from one relationship to other. one should completely GET OVER the previous issues, exorcise it and then move on.but dnt worry...it cant be helped now.
fourthly, make sure from a mutual friend, she is dying???
the next thing is, to CALM ur mind. pls do yoga or meditation or REIKI. some websites give you reiki initiation for free.
next point is that pls buy two copies of the book called MANY LIVES MANY MASTERS BY DR.BRIAN WEISS. plzzzz read it urself and send the other copy to the ex. she will thank you for it, she will take death with more inner strength and will understand the why's and what's of life, relationships and death.
lastly, if u dnt let him talk to her, he will feel guilty after she expires and will take out his anger plus guilt plus frustration on you.
there are SAHAJAYOGA meditation centres everywhere. take their NAVI MUMBAI hospital address from them and maybe the ex can go there, to india and get herself healed. they treat you with alternative therapies. sometimes they even revive dying cancer patients, at least do ur bit and tell her all this.
be brave...god is with you and your child.

Answer 8

You are in a tough spot, girl. You must understand that they did not break up because there was no love anymore. They seperated because your bf's ex wanted to give her husband some space, preventing him from getting too attached. This must have been very hard for both of them, as there must have still been love around. It might sound hard, but she is important to him and she is dying. And lets be honest: him calling her every 2 to 3 weeks is not a lot. It is not a sin for him to talk to her.

What is however wrong is that he let himself into a new relationship (with you) while still having feelings for his ex. I think you should have a chat with him, and try to find out what he exactly feels for you and what he feels for her. You need to - as soon aspossible - try to find out what your position is in his life in the present as well as in the future.

Answer 9

That is hard. But he WAS MARRIED TO HER FIRST! They had a life together. You are just his girlfriend even if you are pregnant. He didn't as you to get married, he asked her, FIRST! There is still that connection there. I bet you didn't think of that before you jumped into the sack with him before marriage. And now you are bringing a child into the mix. Just because he is with you now doesn't mean he hasn't stoped loving her. He probably got scard and now his ex wife is dying and is scard. The one person she did love and commit too did abandon her. Now he is trying to do something right about that by being by her side. Let him be there for her as a friend now. Then when she does pass away he will thank you for that time with her. Try not to be selfish. Put yourself in HER shoes!

Answer 10

You have the right to be upset, but you can't change his mind. It would seem that you knew a bit about this situation before you got pregnant. Maybe you thought a baby would cement your relationship. To be together for 4 months and already be expecting is moving kind of fast. For his ex wife it's probably bringing about all kinds of regret for letting him go. I don't know what advice to give except to be patient. As you said, she is dying. She is going through a process and he wants to be there for her. I don't think you will be able to stop him for doing that. I honestly don't know what I would do in your shoes. you don't say if her life is close to the end, but if it's a matter of months, I would probably try to support his decision to help her.