She admits to seeing him but denies any sexual contact. We recently got into a argument and this subject came up. In my gut, I think she is lying ,but the truth will destroy our marriage. I know a sure fire way of finding out but it will require some deception by me. I am afraid of knowing the truth and at the same time, I must know! I can not imagine me not living at home with my two daughters any more. What should I do?
2007-02-22 23:19:13 · 13 answers · asked by Unknownmale 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
take it from a old married man,, let the past stay in the pass,..an rember you got her an ,now married to her, what every she did be for she married you is now in the past, you won heart heart an that what count,
2007-02-23 00:35:42 · answer #1 · answered by ghostwalker077 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You have a right to know, and IF she did she will do it again being married or not. She WAS going to marry YOU and should NOT have been in contact with someone that close especially the night before. It wasn't in the PAST, it was just the night before and she should have been Faithful to you. Do it ONCE WILL DO IT AGAIN. IF you found out she did as you have said I would not trust her again. People can change, but NOT overnight. It is going to have to be PROVED over a very long time that she can be trusted and you will ALWAYS know what she has done to you. There will be MANY answers saying to forgive her and move on,. BUT if you do she will feel that she has got away with it and I know as well as I am typing this that IT WILL happen again and sooner then you think. You DO NOT want someone who cannot be trusted and you surely cannot stay at home all the time keeping an eye on her cause she is NOT worth it IF she did this.
2007-02-22 23:31:21 · answer #2 · answered by Ex Head 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this isn't the only area in which your trust in your wife has been hurt. Trust is slow to build, quick to destroy. To fix the trust issues in your marriage, it will take time. You must weigh your choices. Leaving isn't what you want you want, but you don't seem to want to continue your marriage if she cheated. Which do you not want more?
I understand not wanting to leave your children, but your marriage is the primary relationship in your family, and if it is broken, it will influence your fatherly relationship heavily, so you in essence you will be doing harm to your daughters by just staying where you are if you don't do anything.
My suggestion is to try to start builidng a foundation of love for your wife. Forgive her either way, whether she did it or not. Dont' tell her, just forgive her in your mind just as if she did it, then put it behind you.
Then, start right here right now building a good marriage. A good place to start is a book called "The Five Love Languages", though it's not a total fix. Go out of your way to show love to your wife and start building your relationship. It will be slow, but end each day by thinking "I have a better marriage now than when I started the day."
Seek counselling. Whether it's a marriage counselor or maybe a pastor, find someone to talk too, and go even if your wife doesn't.
If you just don't want to do this, find the most amicable way to leave. Live across the street, and spend time with your daughters everyday.
2007-02-23 00:07:44 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My advice is this. If she had sex before marriage, then what is the big deal. Its the having sex while married is what counts. Almost everyone I no has had some experience before they marry. Who are you do think that your hard done by. Grow up. You should be happy you have a nice family. Why wouldn't you just relax, and quit trying to be an Army Officer with the family. You no, when you stir a barrel of Sh_t then it will stink. Leave well enough alone, and dont make life a mess. You are too tough. We all have had a life before marriage. Unless your from some backwards country, you will accept this as part of life, and carry on.
2007-02-22 23:28:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I can understand where you are coming from. You are dealing with two issues. The first whether your wife is telling you the truth- trust. And second whether she did have sex with someone else- fidelity.
Either way you have to decide right now whether you can forgive her on both issues. It might take time and a lot of communication between you and your wife. Regardless of if you know it happened for sure, that's not important because you arleady convinced yourself it happened. You have to be vunerable and allow your wife to come clean. When she does just listen. Good luck.
2007-02-22 23:48:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you dwelling in the past? Has she been a good wife? Has she giving any reason not to trust her during the marriage?
If you want to save your marriage, you need to let this go. Hold her hand, look her in the eyes and tell her that you love her. Never bring the subject up again.
2007-02-23 01:06:05 · answer #6 · answered by Carl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
has she been a good wife, after marriage? this is totally consuming u, effecting your whole life. if u know the truth will destroy the marriage, why not let it go. if it happened before u married and has not happened again, u are wrong to keep thinking of it. she would lie, as she treasures her life, and knows that the truth would destroy it. can u blame her? stop focusing on the BS. if she has been faithful the rest of the time.
2007-02-22 23:26:15 · answer #7 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Just Forget it. Anything before marriage is not your concern. Now you have two daughters and I am sure your wife loves you.....that is all. What is the benefit of finding old and odd things. Keep with the present and be happy.
2007-02-22 23:35:35 · answer #8 · answered by dibesic 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you want to destroy your marriage you sound very wishy washy on one hand you want to find out knowing that it could destroy your marriage to me that sounds like you are looking for anything to end your marriage and on the other hand you don't want to be apart from your daughters.. The past is the past in order to move on with the future you can't live in the past you should believe your wife.
2007-02-22 23:24:23 · answer #9 · answered by Mary O 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
We need to know more info. How long ago was this, Was it an affair or just 1 night, does she appreciate, cherish & love you? add details please. I've been married 7 yrs & have 1 daughter.
2007-02-23 00:04:41 · answer #10 · answered by Minilover 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋