what do you think of my story..any help to make it better?

Question

Preface

This story for young adults (teens) and is about a man that has done nothing and is falsely convicted as we think… the president was killed and it is shown what your average person may/may not do in a case of being accused. Who do you know that may be a drunk reject from the area called society? If it was you call the hotline [phone] thank you.
Now Hugh Clyde was a shopkeeper with a pet dog wife and 9-year-old son.
We have investigated the area for drugs and the only person on them is… (we are not allowed to describe this information to the open public sorry.)





Chapter 1

He was dead, really dead. The president has actually been killed. It spread through town like a rocket, that he had been run over by a drunken truck driver (most probably on drugs) with spiked wheels and a rim like a razor.
I had been on the curb when he got killed for I had been going to work (I work at the corner shop.)

this is only a bit of it so go to my other questions

There were three suspects that might have been the ‘Truck Driver’; Gordon Maison (Civilian), Sebastian Short (My Shop Assistant) and Hugh Clyde (Me).
I really don’t know how they can suspect me but then again they are allowed to interview me. Personally I think it is Jackson Grey (His criminal record is horrific)

Chapter 2

“So Hugh” asked Senior Constable Philip “where were you when all this happened at 6:38 am”
“I was standing on the curb from Yilabili Street and Yhong Ave” I answered
Then he asked me “what exactly happened at the hit-and-run “
So I had to answer “a truck came from McSnayson Street opposite where I was and it went through to hit Jason Nekton (President) at the roundabout after all that, the truck took a run through Slaxtor Terrace never to be seen again by me.”
“Would anyone have seen you going to work or standing at the curb?” he asked.

“Yes, Swilton Macintosh Junior saw me at the curb and Helene Troy saw me walking down Calamentai Crescent walking to work” I replied.
“If you saw this whole thing why did you not do anything about the whole matter?” asked Philip.
“Well it all happened so fast I didn’t have time to register it all before it had ended.
He seemed happy enough with all that so I felt good enough since I had not been falsely accused of the murder.

Chapter 3

In court the jury (consisting of 12 people) had their half-hour of talking in the ‘locked room’ and came out with that fateful decision to tell the court I was hereby convicted of hit-and-run, murder and failure to abide by the road rules and was sentenced to 3 years imprisonment, 600 hours of community service and a fine of $6,000. If I was unable to pay the $6,000 he would be sentenced to another 6 months imprisonment!

Since I was black and I had and always will be treated with disrespect and was often mistreated and understood so I understood with respect threw discission the jury had made but i was still mad because 1. He didn’t have $6,000 2. I was outraged at 600 hours of community service maybe 200 hours but never 600 hours and 3. 3 years was pretty harsh. “I have a family to feed, cloth, bath and to please but now i was forced to not pay them with the same respect now because I had no job and was locked away for 3 and a half years with only his unemployed wife, dog and only child Ben that was 9 years old.”




Epilogue

Prison is very harsh and the conditions are hard, food isn’t that good and life itself is just tedious I think I have learnt that all black people are treated the same way as me so maybe I am not so different after all. But then again I trust my old man’s motto.

Treat others how you your self would like to be treated. I have found that others don’t obey this discipline and follow their own like always do what you feel is right or some other stupid idea.
When I get out of prison I am going to hug my family, organise a trip to some far off land and try to pay our rent that may not have been payed for 3 years!
This whole hit-and-run affair has been a sham, a fake, a con it has not been real… ever. Maybe if I said that I heard Jackson grey in the pub telling his ‘groupies’ that he had run over the president and felt no emotion towards me, even thou I was 2 seats down from where he was talking I still heard the whole thing.
My new standards: 1. I shall always treat others with respect. 2. I shall never be put in prison again. 3. I don’t care what anyone leads me into I will always get a ‘Decent lawyer’




THE END!

can i please actualy know what you think not just i like it... thanks

Answer 1

I like it!

Answer 2

How long have you been writing?

This is not an effective way to start a story- it's juvenile and lame. The first sentence, first paragraph, and first page will be the major determining factor of whether anyone finishes your story or not.

You have to engage the reader from the very beginning, not use redundant wording. If you say someone is dead, they are dead. End of story.

Here's my approach, use what you will:


Running through town was a rumor on the breath of every person: the president is dead. There was talk of a tractor-trailer plowing through town, colliding with the president's motorcade and killing him, the Chief of Staff, and two aides instantly.

Walking along the curb dreading going to work- more mutants as usual needing condoms to protect the twig and giggleberries from Mary Mary, Quite contrary, shave the bush, it's too damn hairy!- when the ghost of the rumor pricked my ears.

Etc...


OK, now that you've posted more, I can see that you need more experience with structure of prose. For example: The jury reference. The way you have it written is laughable. It's much easier to simply say "The jury..." or if the number of jurors is absolutely necessary to the story, you can set up the event like this: "He was given a trial, and judged by X men and Y women..." In any event, it makes it, again, sound more intelligent.

As a writer of fiction, you need to suspend the reader's disbelief. To do that effectively, you must communicate in a mature, clear, and intelligent manner.

Get a copy of "Elements of Style" by E.B. White and William Strunk, Jr. It is a form of bible for writers, and will provide you with knowledge you are currently lacking.

Answer 3

Is this whole thing a joke? You're kidding right? I could not stand to read it all after the first couple of ghastly sentences. You need tons of work on sentence structure (especially the run on sentence the begins with "It spread through town like a rocket...." Read that sentence, and if you don't begin hysterically laughing, you should take up crochet. In fact, that might be a good idea anyway. This is really very bad. Come on now, you can't imagine this is good, or even marginally good! To wit: I had been on the curb when he got killed for I had been going to work (I work at the corner shop). That sentence is so bad it isn't funny! And, judging from the little posters who are here who say things like "I love it and I love you," I think Yahoo has turned into some sort of sappy little mutual admiration society filled with a bunch of teens with low self-esteem who like to have their egos stroked on a daily basis. Now, I know you really wanted to hear that you will be the next JK Rowling, or John Grisham, or someone like that, but if you pass high school English with this mess, I will be utterly amazed! OK, now you can report me, as I know that others think I am a bad old so-and-so for not praising them to the hilt over everything they do, including passing gas and belching. Really, this is so bad it's utterly laughable! Better than the old laugher, "It was a dark and stormy night..."

Answer 4

Don't worry about what Gingerpeachy says, he/she is mentally ill. All night Gingerpeachy has gone around looking for poems and writings to slag-off.

Hey Gingerpeachy! If you are so good, let's see some of your stuff. PUT UP OR SHUT UP! If you continue to mindlessly abuse creative people I WILL creatively shut you the f*** up! You elitist charlatan.

NP. One thing that I used to do when I first started writing was write with other people. That way you don't go off on an obscure personal journey, but instead you develop a writing empathy. If people don't like what you have written they tell you why and might suggest how you might develop things. Also, I think it is important to write about what you know. A friend of mine wrote about a New York cop. But he had never been to America and wasn't a policeman, so what he wrote lacked authenticity. If we are going to write powerfully and effectively we need to know our work inside and out.
What you have written is the basis for a story, but you will need to be very original, witty and have a good depth of knowledge to flesh it out.

Answer 5

If you are a pre-teen it is pretty good. If you are an adult with a learning disability I'd say keep trying you're on the right track. If you are an adult with no disability at all and this is your first try I'd say try try again.

Answer 6

Umm, nice I guess. Couldn't you have done that later? I can't really tell if it was good, since I didn't read it all. Sorry. Maybe in the morning I'll edit my question or something like that. Good night.

Answer 7

zzzzzzzzzzzzz i will wait for the adieo but it was beautiful

Answer 8

I think it's long

Answer 9

I love it and I love you.