My marriage I dont know if its even worth it anymore. Please help?

Question

I am so stressed out right now I dont know what to do anymore. Just yesterday I told my husband how I was feeling and he was so vague about everything it just made me more upset. I told him that I was feeling very lonely and I felt that he was not spending anytime with me. I also told him I felt that it was unfair the way he reacts when I ask him for help with the kids. I take care of the kids with no help from anyone. So why if I ask hom to fix a cup of juice or change the channel on the t.v he has to get mad. I told him that rightnow I am at a crossroad I can go right and continue to be faithful or go left and cheat. I came to him and told him how I felt and he just sat there. What am I suppose to do? I have gone through so much this year. Right now I just feel like I dont care if my marriage works or not. Its like we are just roommates and not married. Please help me I love my husband and dont want to feel this way about our marriage. I know he isnt cheating

Answer 1

He's got major issues and either he, you or both of you need to go for some counseling, to find out what they are. He's not interested in what's happening and you are suffering the consequences. Cheating doesn't help, though. It only complicates the situation, although I guess you're thinking that it would be nice to have someone help you feel good about yourself for a change.

If you really want to make it work and think you can get past this, suggest counseling. If he doesn't think the marriage needs any help and he's not willing to address the situation, you have two choices. Either keep going the way you are, while you become more and more miserable every day, or start planning your exit. You can't change him, so that's not an option. You can only change yourself, and what you're doing ...

Answer 2

Both of you are having a real communication problem and probably both feel hurt and that the other is more concerned about themselves than about the relationship and their partner.
I suspect that you have gotten into a routine where you both feel let down by each other and have almost given up trying to fix the problems. You probably both feel that you are giving everything that you have and getting nothing in return.
My experience, which is not very much, is that this happens because you are both giving only things which the partner finds unimportant and not hearing their real needs. You are giving maternal care and he is giving income. You are giving emotional openness and he is giving practicality. If you can still talk you need to understand what the other wants and to make time to give it. It appears that the mechanics of life have pushed out all of the pleasures of life which a relationship is supposed to give.
If he is getting from the relationship what he feels he needs and wants he will be very happy to change channels or make juice, even without being asked. If you are getting what you want and need you will stop looking at all the minor problems and inflating them. Marriage is about giving but only works if both are giving and both giving what the other wants.

Answer 3

I understand how you feel. if you had known this before you married him you may have made another decision. However, since you love him it seems to me you are still interested in finding a way to keep your marriage intact. What if he never changes??

Personally I believe a marriage is a sacred covenant between two people and God , an equal partnership where both involved put forth equal effort in all aspects of the union, which includes child-rearing, housekeeping, shopping, bill-paying ( unless, of course, it was agreed beforehand one or the other would provide the income ) , but these days it seems like alot of men simply find a replacement for their mothers that they can have sex with.

Another thing that disturbs me about marriage is that it has been twisted into a legal agreement, which is a blatant violation of the seperation of church and state, but this is another topic.

I wish I could help you with your dilemna but all I can do is pray that the best comes out of this for the two of you and the children.
Even though I don't know what your faith is I would hope you have ome trust in God to provide you with the right solution. Take care and God bless you.

Answer 4

Having been through this, I know it's not easy. I'd recommend a book and website called divorce busting. http://www.divorcebusting.com. It has a lot of good information about how one person can make a difference in improving a relationship. It worked to a certain degree for mine except unfortunately my ex was cheating on me. Although I did see that it would have made a difference if that hadn't been a factor. As a single mother now, I can honestly tell you that it's not an easy road and that I think everything should be tried to the fullest before thinking of ending a marriage. I know it's not easy and you're feeling alone with what you're experiencing, but I can't say it enough, get the book Divorce Busting.

Answer 5

But getting to the bottom of why you don't care any longer is what you should be asking yourself. People just don't stop caring for no reason.... if you love the person your with then yes it is worth fighting for but it will take a lot of work & commitment. Things can work out but your heart has to be in it....Staying in a marriage because you don't want to look like a failure is not a good reason to stay when your unhappy so yes you should leave but for the right reasons.... If you know how to communicate then there should be no fighting and arguing and you should be able to compromise because that's what a partnership is all about...having respect for one another also helps a great deal..Any marriage can be saved but both hearts have to come together and want it to work...gl

Answer 6

WOW! That's a lot of anger you've been holding in. I can understand why he just sat there - he probably didn't suspect that anything was wrong; must of hit him like a ton of bricks - especially the cheating part.

I would have another discussion with him when you're not on your last nerve and calmly explain to him what's happening. Offer a few alternatives though, like counselling and perhaps some time away together. Tell him that it's important for the kids to see good role models of how partners treat each other and that you really miss him being "present" as part of the family.

Don't give up yet. Good luck!

Answer 7

It is never right to do wrong.
if you say you love him,then being unfaithful shouldnt be an option,every marriage has a bump when it feels like nothing is going the way you planned,you feel like he doesnt care or vice-versa but that is the time to figure out another way to communicate to get his attention instead of nagging and bugging him all the time. why leave becasue things arent going your way,you need to stick it out and in the end it will make you a better person.
obviously he cares because if hedidnt he wouldnt be there but,just like you think its unfair for him to complain when you ask him to do something. i'm sure he thinks it's unfair when you ask him to do something after he's been at work all day.
men and woman think differently about these things,while your worried about how he hasnt kissed you lately,he's thinking about the unpaid pg&e bill.you know how difficult being at home with children all day can be but he doesnt know that because he hasn't,show him the next time you have to go somewhere far away,and he has to take care of all that stuff,then he'll know how it feels to do it alone and maybe he'll try to share the load.

Answer 8

WOW, I just read some of the other answers and I am just stuned..... simpathy is a thing of the past ??? compassion for another woman is gone ?? are we no longer sisters ??? *sigh*, ok I am going thru about the same as you.... My kids are grown tho, but are living back home again, talk about stress !!! I know how it is..... marriages go thru stages, just like everything and part of our lives..... A spouse who refuses to HEAR our pleas is frustrating to say the least, and there is very little one can do to change that unless you are willing or able to take drastic measures, but you must be willing to pay the price if it back fires or does NOT work the way you want/expect..... I am the hard headed type, I go on strike when this house of MEN gets out of control.. I dont cook, clean, talk, run errans, etc...... NOTHING !!!! but I live with GROWN men not children, tho at times they seem as toddlers............. as for you, with children there are many risk and factors involved.... are you willing or can you trust your husband to take proper care of them IF you decide to STRIKE ?????? Like maybe go to a g/f house for one night ?? or get a hotel room with a jacuzzi for a night ??? If so I suggest you turn the tables on him for a night, making sure he is off work the next day, and leaving the kids, house, etc.... all to him.... sometimes a wake up call is needed !!!!!! it might work and then again it might not.... marriage is hard at times, depending on what you want and how hard anyone is willing to work at it, it can make it thru the tuff times in tack....... e-mail me if ya need........ God bless

Answer 9

I am sorry that you are going through this, I have been there myself. I suggest counseling. I ended up getting a divorce after 5 years, but before that we did have counseling together. It was great. Like you I had to choose to stay and feel abandoned or feel loved again.
I unfortunatly chose to go left and seek support from another man. Yes, it felt great at first... but then I felt horrible. I do not recommend it! I am glad that you are telling your husband how you feel. Communication is the best.
Good luck!

Answer 10

You need to face him directly and ask him all the questions you want answered. Demand answers or his clothes will not be in the next wash. Maybe you won't find time to make dinner,
These things sound rediculous, but you are asking for help with small things with the kids, so explain to him that he has to assist you. If you get no response, then tell him you will hire a maid in order to give you time.
But don't cheat and don't threaten him with it, because that then allows him to consider cheating also:(