FYI I'm in middle school. The topic is writing about seeing something you love for the very last time, and being taken away to a horrible place. Also, please let me know if you think I need punctuation in it. Here it goes:
The Outdoors
by Miley
Outside in the sun
Flowers blooming, birds chirping
The grass so very green
The wind blowing in my hair
Mother Nature sings her song
As I walk on by
Seeing the beauty
Enjoying it all I could
Smelling the flowers
Watching the sunset
That was the very last time
Once bright is now dark
The sun never shines
Not in this horrible place
They call a ghetto
2007-02-22 14:23:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Other - Entertainment
BTW its hard to add details because it is a haiku. (5 syllables, 7, 5, etc.)
2007-02-22 14:44:06 · update #1
One little problem with it-- the haiku scheme was a little off, so i added "The trees soaring above" to even it out.
2007-02-22 15:04:11 · update #2
i think it is creative and i personally love it
2007-02-22 14:27:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem is wonderful especially since you are so young. As I was reading through the poem I noticed little bits of words here and there that I would nix then turn into something else so the poem would run more fluid but as I got to the end I noticed you had a WOW factor.(ghetto) That particular wow factor was the type of factor that makes this poem something more that just a middle schoolers poem. Even if I suggested making the poem a bit more fluid throughout the poem, your ending is extraordinary and with some more practice and classes I believe the heart of a poet will spring to life inside of you. Having a heart of a poet is not something alot of people fall into easily and its something you already have.It may be locked but you are not far off from finding the key. Keep writing and in the years to come you will be recognised as something great in the poetry community. Keep up the good work!
2007-02-22 14:45:01 · answer #2 · answered by sinistersister69 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its ok. the end is good but the beginning needs some other specific detail instead of sun birds and green grass. That is too unspecific to any real life experience. If it was me and I had once lived in the country and now lived in a city ghetto, I would try to include some specific detail from the country that gives the poem verisimilitude. Maybe something like "golden light on vast fields" or the "bliss of simplicity" or some kind of nature stuff. I dunno its ure poem.
2007-02-22 14:36:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your referring to the ghettos in World War 2 where Hitler and the Nazis cruelly sent Jews to live in ghettos where it was cramped and disgusting, then I see the story. If you just mean a modern ghetto then I still like the poem, but then the end would be a little random.
But overall thumbs up! :)
2007-02-22 14:28:51 · answer #4 · answered by thelivingdaylights16 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I'm in middle school also and i could not have done it better.
That was very good. Keep it up!
2007-02-22 14:28:10 · answer #5 · answered by ..Queens of the Led Fighters.. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's really, really good! Don't be discouraged by anyone here who says otherwise. I think you did a great job!
2007-02-22 14:35:28 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
seems too cliche for my taste
everyone writes abt birds chirping and flowers, etc.
2007-02-22 14:27:06 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow! i thought that that was amazing as i was reading that i could picture everything and i could exactly get what you were saying.. that was really good.. =]
2007-02-22 14:27:26 · answer #8 · answered by 7thangel a 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good but i dont understand the rhyming part
2007-02-22 14:27:53 · answer #9 · answered by Mary 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it, hand it in
2007-02-22 14:31:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋