My Mother-In-Law is hurting my feelings!?

Question

I'm 14 weeks pregnant with our first baby. My husband and I have been going through all kinds of problems financially. He worked for a family owned business and they just up and left town without any notice, leaving my husband out of work. I'm a college student, so that left us with almost no income. My husband has had a hard time finding a new job. We were actually forced to stay with family for the time being.

I'm totally depressed about being broke, my car needs work, and I'm already going crazy having to live with my family. I love them but I hate having to rely on them and they smoke in the house which I have no choice but to just deal with. Not to mention, it makes me feel like I'm a little kid because EVERYONE has an opinion.

My family, and my husbands mother are ALL OVER him making him feel horrible about having a hard time finding a job. His mom keeps telling me I should go get a job even though school consumes most of my time and it's really none of her business.

I'm real getting depressed, where I don't even want to get out of bed because it feels like things aren't getting any better. She tells me I look huge already like I'm 9 months pregnant and that I better start working out so I don't have a long horrible labor, amongst many other things.

I'm just really starting to worry that all of this stress from our families and our current situation is going to harm my baby. I also hate feelig this way. Should I see a counselor or something? I really feel like I can't handle it anymore. All I do is lay in bed and cry.

I don't feel sorry for myself and I really feel like my husband and I are doing everything we possibly can to try and work all of this out before the baby is born. We are supposed to buy my grandmothers house as soon as my husband goes back to work, but I still feel miserable. I just want to get away from everyones unwanted advice. I am also afraid that being depressed now might lead to post-partum depression and it scares me. I really am starting to think I need to get counseling.

Ok, well for the bitter girl. I am very aware of all the blessings I have in my life and I am very grateful that I have a wonderful husband and such a supportive family. That doesn't mean that whats going on in my life is easy. And if wanting stability for your baby is being spoiled, then I guess I am. I don't really think 30 hours a week of school means I sit on my butt. That doesn't include doctors appointments, housework, oh yeah and HOMEWORK. My homework probably consumes even more time than my actual classes. I'm sorry that you're still bitter that you had such a hard time, but honestly, maybe if you had been more responsible you wouldn't have ended up in such a horrible situation. My circumstacnes are unfortunate, but not because any lack of responsibility on my part. I was still on birth control pills when I got pregnant.

Maybe you should try not not to be so judgemental. Otherwise, try to actually answer questions, and before you judge others, make sure YOUR hands are clean.

Answer 1

EEK! My heart breaks for you! Going to talk to a councellor in my experience is great, just venting makes me feel better. Do not quit school, and I can't believe that ignorant cow thinks YOU should take on such a burden as going to school and working AND being pregnant. MIL's can be like that; controlling and heartless. Unfortunately you generally have 2 choices, declare war which could put your husband in the middle or put up with her. Just tell your husband how you feel, if he doesn't already know, and tell him you need him in your corner. Also, let him know you're in his. He probably feels like a failure for not being able to give you your own house like yesterday.

Your MIL is right that being in shape will make your labour easier, I did my thesis on this topic. However, starting an exercise routine now, without help can harm you and therefore the baby. Look her in the eye, tell her you considered her advice and you'd LOVE to start working out if she pays for a prenatal exercise class or a personal trainer and gym membership. Tell her you're not willing to risk either your or her grandchild's well being at the chance of doing it wrong. And you obviously can't afford it right now. Tell her you want to start right away and can't wait. If you wait it will be to late. (My research showed little to no benefit if it was started after 5 mts.)

Exercising will help you feel less stressed it "burns" the hormones that make us feel stressed. You'll sleep better too.

Since its your family, not his, ask them to smoke outside, that you appreciate their hospitality but not their hostility to your unborn child.

I wish I could help you more. Tell everyone to back off, bad things happen to everyone, anyone could loose their job, and to give him time to get back on his feet.

Good Luck and congratulations!

Answer 2

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. This should be a an exciting time for you and it seems like things are just so difficult at the moment. You and your husband need some alone time! It's hard when you have so many people offering there unwanted opinions! Especially when you are pregnant and have all of those hormones effecting your emotions!!

Is it possible that you could rent a small apartment? You should definitely talk to a counsel about this. Like you said, you don't want the stress to effect the baby's health. Keep your head up and remember that everything is temporary and there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

Mean people SUCK. Tell his stupid mom this next time she makes you feel bad. You are PREGNANT and you are supposed to be huge even if you aren't. Don't you dare go and "work out" unless it's ok by a doctor. You are being responsible, goal minded and ambitious going to school and starting a family. These are great things that you can pass down to your child. Don't feel hopeless, because you are not hopeless. Think positive, things will come around for your husband, it sounds like he is trying which is more that most people can say about thier babies daddy. You hit it on the mark, it's NONE OF HER BUSINESS. Tell her that and talk to your husband to make sure you have his support and you are both on the same page. Communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Good luck with everything.

Answer 4

First of all , I am sorry that you have been going through such a hard time. Instead of family that seems to be giving you grief you need positive support. Maybe this may help- my husband and I have 2 teenagers and not doing well financially. My hubby is disabled and I, with a health problem can only work for short times. It would be very hard to live with family under the best of circumstances. Both your family and your hubby's mom need to stop fighting against you and work with you. If both of you are just lazy and just not desiring to work, then I could see that they would say what they say- but it does seem that your husband is trying to get a job. I pray that things get better- about the mother in law hurting your feelings- that is second nature to me- my mother in law started at me before we got married 25 years ago- with "I never said that my son should not have married, you, I said, he has to learn from his mistake". It got worse from there- it is a little better,now only because I think she realizes her son is not going to leave me. So hang in there, you, your husband and baby are what matter now.

Answer 5

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly and to top it all off you've got hormones to deal with too.

Look, it's hard on all of you. Do the best you can to help your mother-in-law with the dishes, laundry, cooking, vacuuming...whatever, she may not mention it but when you leave she'll have less to complain about. Your husband has to feel like a turd letting you down and his family so you've got to find a way to be supportive of him and bring as much joy into this as you can (i know, it seems impossible) but you need to do this for him because if he gets down to far it's going to be harder for him to get back up and find a job. Think of his disappointments with all his work applications being rejected or unnoticed! and they're bagging on him too!

Support each other, get away together alone at every possible chance. Take just 10 minutes alone in the morning to read the Bible, pray or whatever your spiritual belief. Cast your cares upon the Lord they say. This time will help you focus on what's important and not on the woes

Answer 6

you sound like you are in a really bad situation right now. I know this may sound cliche-but try to look on the bright side - you aren't homeless.

I lived w/my mother in law and my adult, live at home, retarded sister in law-for a year and a half. My hub and I lived there so we could save money, but she charged us rent each month. THAT was rough. They didnt smoke tho...and she pretty much kept her opinion to herself. She was actually very supportive of me when I was not working. I did a lot of work around the house, cooking mostly, and looked for work and went on interviews. That was actually my "job" of sorts.

I think that's terrible that they smoke around you, espically since you are pregnant. You have to make the best of your situation as hard as it may be right now, its going to get better soon.

Try, as much as you can, go away from the home-take a walk with your hubby or alone, if you can, that would be healthy. Check with your Dr first before you start a workout program, the right moves for the right months of pg.

With all that being said, your problems sound like a bit too much for this forum. I think you answered your own question to get real help from a real counselor. Good luck sweetie-

Answer 7

First, I'm going to address her 'horrible long labour because of no exercise comment'.
What a load of RUBBISH!
I couldn't do any exercise at all during my pregnancy and my labour was fine...yes it hurt, but some of my friends who were more active throughout their pregnancies than I was had longer, harder labours.

I think you need to have a 'hormonally induced' flip out- just yell and scream at you mother in law, tell her exactly what you think of her, and when when eases up, apologise and say that you were having a particularly bad day that day.

Instead of your family being negative towards your husbands misfortune, ask them to help out a little, let them bring home numbers for vacancies.

As for you, I'm not surprised you feel depressed with all that going on. I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad during this supposedly 'happy' time. Just make sure that you are eating healthily and that you don't let this all ruin your marriage.

Remember that she has live with herself at the end of the day, and you will get to live with a wonderful family soon, when everything gets sorted out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and good luck!

Answer 8

Wow do you have alot on your plate!

You are so close to having everything you want - and when your husband finds a job, then this whole episode will be over and forgotten.

Right now, get out of the house as often as possible - meaning, get away from THEM as often as possible. Pack a lunch and do your homework at the librbary or even Starbucks, spend as much of your day at school, walk around the mall for exercise about the time they get home, etc. Don't eat with them or watch TV with them, etc.

The less time you're around them, the less time they'll have to pass on 2nd hand smoke and unwanted opinions.

Also, check into married housing at your college.
And, it's never too early to start talking to the County people about what benefits you are entitled to as a pregnant woman.

You're 14 weeks along - there's plenty of time for things to settle down and for your baby to be born into peace.

Good luck!

Answer 9

there is nothing wrong with going to counseling, i actually recommend it. it is very normal to have a lot of dif. feelings going on when you are pregnant. but try not to stress to much, think of your baby and that will cheer you up. also, IGNORE your mother in law, mine is the same way. don't let it get to you even though i know it is hard not to. and on a side note, you should really try not to live in a house where there are smokers. try to find maybe a friend or another family's house to stay in. it is in the best interest of the baby.

Answer 10

First of all don't stress out...It WILL work out..I was in the same position and my husband and I lived with my parents when I was pregnant and then eventually bought a house.....It does seem stressful at the time but looking back it wasnt the worst thing in the world as I thought it was ....Secondly...Dont even pay attention to the mother in law...just shrug it off.....really...she is trying to get under your skin and it seems to be working...DONT LET IT! I know its easier said than done but really dont let people upset you..its totally not worth it and when you get out of the rut you are in you will look back and say how unecessary stressing out was! I know I did! Good Luck...It will work out!