Am I potentially abusive or does my wife need to deal with Childhood abuses?

Question

My wife and I have a great relationship but last night we got into an argument, were both being stubborn and not letting the other talk. In frustration I hit her on the wrist with my finger as a parent might hit an angry teenager. She was very upset and said this was the first step towards being abusive. This happened once before and I did exactly the same thing. While arguing, flicked her on the wrist with my finger. At the time, I was worried that she could be right. That I had anger issues I was unaware of. But in my entire life (I'm in my mid 40's), I've never had a temper, never broke anything, never hit anyone. While I don't defend it, I don't feel there's more to it then my momentary stupidity and frustration. The flip side is my wife was physically abused as a child by a demanding stepmother. They have since reconciled and have a fairly good relationship. But she's never resolved her anger and prefers to keep the past buried rather then deal with the grief of digging it up.

Answer 1

Maybe... maybe not...
Either way, its not right.
You two REALLY need to come up with a better way of handling disagreements.

Maybe try a counselor... writing them... emailing them... something else.

Answer 2

Look, never should u touch her out of anger.. even in the slightest way, buttttttttttttt i do believe that she's blowing it out of proportion..(pitty party) so to speak.. IF what ur saying is true.. Now i do have a hard time believeing that in a fit of anger all u did was flick her wrist with ur finger.. and ive never heard anyone doing that to get a teenagers attention either.. , but as a person that was in an abusive relationship for 5 years.. i dont think id go biserk on my husband accusing him of being abusive merely cause he flicked his finger on my wrist, so either, ur not telling the whole truth, or your wife is over reactting..

Answer 3

your wife has buried her feelings, and has not forgiven, but when u hit her in any way it does bring back bad memories of her past abuse. it is the first step toward abuse, and if not kept in check it could escalate, because u are frustrated, that u can't work it out the way u want it to. u and her both need therapy. she would fear that this could lead to abuse since she has never seen this type of behavior in u before. u need to keep your hands to yourself, if your wanting to resolve a problem u can't use any form of abuse, u do it in love and with kindness, and honesty. your trying to resolve your problems in the wrong way. of course she is not going to want to work out a thing with someone who is hitting her and displaying anger in any way. she will just close up if she perceives it isn't safe.

Answer 4

Physical abuse starts out small. A flick on the rest esclates to throwing her down a flight of stairs and leaving her there to bleed to death as the life that was growing in her womb oozes out.

My abuser started out small, with a finger jab to the shoulder. Then a slap, then punches...etc. If you think it is so stupid of an action then WHY do you do it?

Answer 5

I have had this same thing done to me..and I was more insulted with the thoughts of it being done as a immature action then the flicking itself. Why would you respond by doing to her something you would to a child for not listen? I honestly did not see it as a result of abuse but rather disrespect.

Answer 6

well anytime you strike out in anger is never a good thing. even though your wife has had some traumatic times in her life, it doesnt mean that maybe you dont have some issues of your own.I think both of you should consider some counseling. I think you need to learn more postive ways to vent your anger and she definately needs to deal with her anger and hurt issues. good luck to you. the sooner you get help, the sooner things will improve in your life and in your marriage.

Answer 7

Letting go of the past is hard and if your hitting her on the wrist with your finger brings up bad memories for her, you have to be sensitive to that and respect her feelings. If she cannot or will not deal with her past, that is her decision.

Answer 8

Anything that hurts another person is abusive behavior. I am sure you've heard of verbal abuse, ect, ect. She is not a child. Don't treat her like one. Sit and talk to eachother when you can have no interuptions(like tv, or children) and resolve your differences like adults. Don't forget to use calm, indoor voices and let eachother finish sentences and ideas without interuption from eachother.

Answer 9

I WAS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE AND IT'S BEST TO TALK THINGS OUT IF EITHER ONE OF YOU IS VIOLENT IN MY OPINION TALK TO A CHAPLIN. GET HELP. A FLICK ON THE WRIST IS SO FAR FROM ABUSE BUT IF YOU ARE PLEADING YOUR CASE AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR YOU OR TRY AND UNDERSTAND THEN SHE'S THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE HELP.

Answer 10

yes actually it is the first sign, because it is a CLEAR act of disrespect. you clearly regard her as a child, and you have gone as far as touching her in anger. let's not kid yourself and say you touched her in love. we all know the difference. on top of that, you immediatly have made it her problem and not yours. i wouldnt say you are prone to beating women. but you have crossed that line where you respect your wife and her feelings. basically you two need to learn how to "fight" and disagree. perhaps some counseling. sometimes couples dont fight fair. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 11

both of you need to seek counseling individually and together so that you can get the help you need in order to make your marriage work before it turns into a toxic situation. you also may want to get the below book to help you and her understand and maybe take the first step towards getting the help that you both need. :o)