Do you like my story?

Question

Ok, well It's not exactly a story, but rather an excerps from a story, :) Couuld you maybe rate it... and give me some comments (mean comments)!

Morwood persched over my desk suspiciously and began "Hello!" her peppy voice was peircing to my no longer accoustomed ears. "How are you doing?" She shifted her head warily, her eyes like those of a young puppy- mercurial and energetic.
"Well" I said quickly jolting about.
"Thats good," she was waiting plainly for me to ask her the same question. I decided to humor her.
"What about you?"
"Decent, you could... say," I kept fidgeting with my papers, trying to get used to that squeak of a voice, "Vibrant" She concluded, but not definately.
"Do explain," I chimed with more sarchasam than normal, continuing to feed her inscesant desire for futile conversation.

By the way, I did not write this with a dictionary by my side, nor did I look at a dictionary at all during the writing process, I suck at spelling, and I'm in the 8th grade accelerated program.

And morwood is not a teacher... i call people by their last names often, does anyone else do that?
I'm not trying to make her come across as evil, but rather, trying to make her seem exccentricly happy and perfect.

Answer 1

Well, first you need to correct the spelling, punctuation and capitalization errors.
perched
piercing
accustomed
- that's just from one paragraph

When you want to interject a quotation into a sentence, it looks like this - . . . suspiciously and began, "Hello!" Her peppy voice . . . .

Other than that, it's fine, though I am not sure where you are going with this story based on this EXCERPT (note spelling).

Answer 2

You stated you wanted mean comments, but I won't be mean to you. I will share some constructive criticism, however. The story is full of description from the adjectives you use. I find only one that might need something more that matches the picture you paint of the teacher. You compare her eyes to a young puppy. I like the rest of the description you used, but a young puppy just doesn't seem to be as harsh as you want her to come across in the rest of the story. Also, you need to proofread and correct your spelling errors. I think the story is good and interesting to read. If you fix these few things, it'll be perfect. Nice work!

Answer 3

i think its great...depending on what grade your in. its a little bit unclear in some places, and i wouldnt use as many "big words" as my own teacher would say. dont make it sound like you got 75% of the words out of the dictionary