When do You end a marriage?

Question

I have been with My wife , for 18 years, and I feel we are drifting apart.
Counsiling did not help , and we do not have children.
I feel hard pressed to say it is over, but I don't.
18 years of memorys keep saying hang in there , but My soul says ...Are You happy? And I have to say No!
I do not want to hurt My Wife, but is there a point when You just need to face the facts, and move on?
Any advice would be welcome.

Answer 1

What did the counseling bring out? Was it not able to identify what is pulling you two apart?

Not all marriages can be saved too, but if professional counseling doesn't identify what the issues are that is causing the problem, I imagine it will just continue to drift apart until someone finally takes a step to end it.

Have you told her you feel that it is drifting apart? Perhaps tell her that you want to get to know her again, on a deeper level.

You are in a tough spot, I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Been there already. Married exactly 18 years and we went throught the same thing. We divorced and happy for a couple of years. By the 4th year, I realized that divorcing was a major mistake. Were still friends, get along great. She is with a really good guy now; and is happy. I'm single and lonely; but content.

The point is. We were at a low point in our marriage and we should of worked on it because all our savings is gone, all our plans are gone and our marriage is gone. It hurt the kids and interrupted thier childhood. Just alot happened, too quick.

You really should reconsider and commit to making things work out even if it means moving into the spare bedroom. Not worth loosing it all. I just can't believe being with each other all those years is worth throwing it all away. I regret it everyday.

Answer 3

After 35 yrs of marriage to the same woman, I can say children have been the glue. Saying goodbye otherwise could have been so easy in comparison, staying in this unsatisfying "pretend" marriage was so much more difficult. We've had up years and down years where we too tried counseling, probably 20 yrs earlier with no relief either. We were able to work through most of our problems ourselves, but only after experiencing 35 yrs, prostate cancer and grandchildren together. Now that you've experienced counseling, you both know your marriage is in an unhealthy state. Working it out and re-establishing your interest in one another would be a wonderful event, but if you can truly admit that you each gave reconciliation 100% effort and failed; then the time to leave is now. Now, 'before' one or both of you have the uncontrollable need to go outside the marriage for a different type of counseling & consultation, i.e.: an affair. (Rules change once that barrier is crossed.) Now, while you are both able to enjoy the endless possibilities of new lives. Leave acting happy to the professional actors on the big screen. We are all so lucky to have been 'one' opportunity to live our lives, you got to live it happy. No man or woman who has made an honest, equitable and long deliberated exit could be ill-criticized by rational friends & relatives.

Answer 4

Well, if I were in your boat after only a few years off marriage I'd probably encourage you to go out and try again but almost 20 years -there must have been something between you to last that long. Maybe its not so much about the marriage but something in your personal mood (or maybe hers?) where you're just hitting a time where you're maybe dealing with getting older and reviewing your life and its not as perfect as you'd hoped? I'd say after 18 years dont just decide because of how you feel right now, you need to give it at least 6 months to a year and maybe some personal therapy before deciding thats its the marriage thats the problem.

Answer 5

It is never easy when you grow apart; but you do have to be true to yourself. The exact same thing right down to the 18 years happened to me. I now live alone but I am much happier with my life as it is than living the lie that I was. I still care for her and I always will; we shared so much in our lives together. Just make sure it is the right thing for both of you and that is isn't some sort of mid life issue. Remember there was a good reason for you to have married her in the first place or you wouldn't have promised to love her for the rest of your life. I guess what I am saying is to make sure that you don't rush and do something that you may regret.

Answer 6

Relationships run their course and sometimes that occurs before "death us do part". It's okay for that to happen. If you've tried counseling and feel that you've made the effort to get back on track and it isn't happening, then feel no guilt for wanting to move on.

Your happiness is just as important as hers. Although ending the marriage may cause her pain, in the long run most people would rather be single than with someone who is only there because they don't want to "hurt you". If the love is gone, then set her free (as well as yourself) so she will have the opportunity to meet someone who will be crazy about her, if she desires that.

This life is short enough...why waste any of it in an unhappy situation that can be changed?

Answer 7

I have been married for 20 years, relationships transform in waves. There are periods of happiness, sadness, disgust, and yes even hatred. No one is happy all the time. A marriage is a commitment to last a life time.

I guess you are ready to let go when you are to the point that you can really say your life would be better without your spouse in it if you are ready to hand your spouse their freedom to do what they want when they want and with whom they want with no reaction from you.

Imagine walking up and seeing them in the arms of another can you handle that?

every marriage gets dull. it's the same old same old every day. we all get comfortable and no one really likes that.

We miss the excitement, the flirting, but you know what is all that really worth 18 years of loyalty and support?

I don't know but I will say don't go there unless you are really sure you are ready to hand your spouse to another and not have a feeling of regret.

Answer 8

First of all this life is not a trial run, you only have one chance here so you better make it the best that you can. No women wants a man to stay with her when he doesnt want to and vica versa. I would say sat her down and talk it over with her maybe she feels the same way. If you can ask yourself if you would die tomorrow would she be the one that you want to spend tonight with then you need to work on it, but if the answer is no, then let her go so that she can find someone who loves her and you can find someone to be with as well. Good luck

Answer 9

If you exhausted all your options, then maybe the next thing to do is to have a trial separation. You have to talk to your wife about how you feel and see if trial separation will work for both of you. By doing this, you will be apart for awhile and hopefully would help ignite the feelings for each other that you shared when you got married.

Answer 10

Technically you are not suppose to end marriage. Til death do us part! But if you really feel that way be take initiative and do things for her. Show up with some flowers. take her to a nice dinner do things with her you would like to be doing. If she responds well then you should try to make things more common if she doesnt respond then well you guys need to have a talk.