Married for 5 years, no kids and I am not so sure anymore..?

Question

My wife and I have known each other since I can remember...not high school sweethearts or anything, or even friends for that matter...but shortly after high school we got to know each other and became inseparable friends for 5 years. We then decided to take the next step and start dating, we were married within a year.
Since then, we have truely grown apart and I can't emotionally take her verbal (and sometimes, but rarely, physical) abuse. She's hated me for a while and never stops to filter any of her hateful words when we are in an argument. I feel cold towards her most of the time but I don't hate her...I just understand that we are different.
I recently met someone and have become interested, we have ALOT in common and she's something you don't meet every day. I told my wife I didn't want to be together anymore and she begged me to stay. I do love her, but I'm not in love with her. I want to remain in each others lives as friends but I understand that may not happen. Help?

She doesn't understand that it's not OK to flip out and smack someone EVEN IF she feels they deserve it. I could put her through a wall easily, but I would never do that to her...but I feel that wall breaking and I want to cut it before someone else gets hurt. I love her very much but I'm positive that she will never change and honestly, I don't feel like a relationship should take as much work as ours has.
She has told me she will try but it's not the first time I heard that...she is mean and vindictive at times. I tried to break it to her easily so I didn't hurt her feelings and she has told me that she can't go on if I leave her. Now I feel trapped...wtf?

MORE INFO to clarify:

We decided to not have kids, neither one of us want them and SHE brought it up...not me, neither one of us are wavering at this point. It's simply not something we want to do.

This is actually something I was afraid of happening...she needs a perfect, worrysome life...she WAYYY over worries about pretty much everything. Here, I am the exact opposite, very care-free, fun-spirited and sometimes bordering on irresponsible. I have made my peace with it, it's who I am. We have never meshed this way and it was the reason I didn't go out with her when she first wanted me to. I knew she needed someone a little more "with it" then I can, or care to, be. I am the type of guy who would go out and do something crazy on a whim. I am not afraid of life. She is the type of person who would think about it, think some more, hem and haw and end up not doing it because she's too afraid of every negative thing that might happen.
We are different, and it's OK to move on I think

Answer 1

you have no children. You have problems in marriage that cannot be solved. You find some special person. So what you are waiting for? Leave past behind.

Answer 2

yes, what makes you argue? don't you think every relationship has got a problem of some nature? There's no one relationship on earth except in heaven without a problem, a conflict, a difficulty or something they're all struggling to put right. You just need to identify your own type of difficulty and work on it as a grown up. I mean as a real man you are.

Now let me ask you this. When you met her, did you ever thought things will be like this someday? Certainly not, everyone confesses for better or worse but in their hearts they seem to really agree only for better......that's being immature. Second question, are you so sure the present lady you've seen will not end up like her? Plz, let's stop looking for silver out there and work on the gold we got. Refine it! Check out what's the problem in your marriage and fix it. Be a man. If you run away from this problem its not a guarantee you gonna fix problems with the other lady when they do appear.......eh man! there must. Conflicts are in every relationship unless you wanna get married to a partner who's got water and not blood flowing in her/his veins, i guess that's an impossiblity.

Now, the idea of no kids. Is it something you guys decided on or its a situation presenting itself? In case, its not your choice not to have kids in a 5years marriage, don't you think it could be affecting your wife emotionally? Think!

A good, successful, fulfilling, lasting, and happy marriage deserves all the time in the world to make it work. Happy isn't sold in the market, you need hard work to earn it. You say you love her, isn't love sacrificial? Don't you want to see her happy too? Man, she loves you too, that's why she don't want you leave. Its not a trap but an opportunity for you to sharpen your skills as a husband and a real man. Face it!

What does she say when you're in an argument? take note of those words and find out the source. What's causing the pain? what makes her hate you so much if at all she does, plz look seriously within. Its obvious your wife is hurt and i don't think the best you can do for her is to leave for another woman. Wasn't she just as sweet as this one is......if not why did you marry her?

Think big boy!

Answer 3

I have been there and I promise you that things can change. You should not make decisions based on how you feel right now because your feelings can change like the wind.
You probably don't want to hear this, but it is always easy to look at your partner and put the blame on her. Have you had a good look at yourself and your attitudes. Marriage requires a certain amount of humility. The other person is not ALWAYS in the wrong. It is very possible to change her reaction to you if you change your attitude toward her. You cannot change her personality, but you can influence her attitude toward you by changing your behaviour.
If you are not sure about why she is so abusive, try to ask her what you can do to change it. If she tells you that there is something that sets her off, then it is up to you to work on making some changes. This is a tough thing to do, because it means taking some of the blame yourself, but I tell you it works.
Divorce is not worth it. Your love CAN be restored. I hear so many couples say "We are not in love anymore." Trust me, this is only a temporary "feeling." Remember, love is an action, not a feeling. Love means always doing what is in the other's best interest. You will see that the feelings will change if you follow this rule.
There are a couple of good books written by Gary Chapman about marriage that are very helpful. "The five languages of Love" and "Covenant Marriage."

Answer 4

Wow you have a few things going on there...where to start....

We all seem to forget that marriage takes work. You have to work at your marriage everyday. Can you marriage be saved? Sure if you BOTH really work at it. You'll both need cousneling. Couples and individually. But that's only if you really want to make it work.

It sounds as if you have already made your decision. You have moved on to a rebound relationship, that seems like a good idea now. The new relationship is just that...new and exciting and wonderful.

But what are you giving up to be with this other personl. Are you sure this is what you want for long term? Are you going to give up so easy on your marriage now and later regret that decision b/c you didn't really try?

Your wife begged you to stay b/c she's afraid of being alone. She doesn't know any other way then to be with you. She's hurt that you have a new relationship with someone else, she's hurt that you didn't or wouldn't put any time or effort into the marriage.

You want to have your cake and eat it too...that's not right..you can't say..I don't want you anymore but let's be friends...how childish are you!

Word of advice....end one relationship before starting another or spend sometime on your own to find out what you really want out of life.

You are very confused.

Answer 5

Perhaps you need to get to the root of why all this is happening, before you go for this new interest of yours. There might be something going on with her that you don't know about, and that is why she is acting out. This is classic. She may not be particularly mad at you, but rather taking her own anger on herself out on you. Talking with her, (in a public place quietly, where she might be inhibited to raise her voice or worse) might be a good thing to do regardless of whether or not you two stay together, if only to have closure on the difficulties at hand. It might be good to make her realize as well that you can be in each other's lives without the element of marriage. The idea of divorce saddens me. But if you really feel it's the only solution then please go counselling with her, to figure out what went wrong so that both of you don't repeat it in the future. Good luck with this.

Answer 6

Well SKippy....you can't have your cake and eat it too....you have to decide on what to do.....to me this would be easy. If the wife is showing signs of abuse then dump her...you don't have kids...then you're lucky...dump her and move on....yes......she will hate you but this appears to be the norm for her...so you're at a zero sum gain there....

I would advise you to move on from one relationship first before you find another...you're miserable now and this will clog you perspective on what is a right girl.....i.e.....if you were drowning you would hang onto a dead body if it floated...right...but when you're in shallow water it doesn't work for you for some reason.......dump the first one then find another after a spell.

You need to have a soldi doctrine for your emotional life. Check out the following website...it can answer your questions better than I can...

http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/

Good luck

Answer 7

i am in the very same situation. like you, you dated and fell in love at a early age. if you are like me, you are wondering what you missed out of. meeting someone else that you have a lot in common with, like myself, really makes you wonder why you are in your marriage. myself i am still trying to see if our relationship can survive my affair. there are days i dread going home after work, and days i can't wait to get home. but the verbal abuse is draining. ask if you can get some time away to think about what you really want. i love my wife a lot as well, and we do hope to be friends if we do divorce. it would be hard, but we can make it happen. good luck to you.

Answer 8

All new relationship are rosy in the beginning!! Work on the relationship you are in and give it a try and if it does not work then end the relationship. Marriage is not always easy and beautiful a marriage will have good times and bad. And is not always easy to maintain.

Answer 9

You need to file for a divorce and get out of the abusive relationship that you are in. You will feel better about yourself and you won't be depressed and then you can move on with your life.

Answer 10

well if you really loved her you would not have been looking for someone new.
she is right you should maybe go away for a few hours and show her that this is making you want to leave.
I dont mean just leave, Pack bags and everything, make her think you are going away for a week or more and leave for a few hours or the night.
When you come back have a real conversation with her and tell her that you can not take it anymore.
if she dont change with in a year then leave for real

Answer 11

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE

I am in your wife's shoes as we speak. I am begging my husband to come home because I have realized all the stuff that I have done wrong. I never physically abused him but his family treated me like a dog and we ended up fighing.
Believe me, when something like this happens the other person will openly and honestly think about what they have done wrong. maybe you can help me out, too here. You two were in love at one time. Things can get better between the two of you. Please give your marriage another chance. Divorce is extremely painful.

I oughta know. I hope that mine will forgive me and come back home. If she is begging you then give her a chance as she may really try to change. Also, talk to her about what you want to see changed to make you love life and marriage better. I hope to see your reply back on this response. send me a private msg if you'd like.

I just read your last part of addition for clarification - if you two are so different can't you two sit down fight it out til you both calm down and then FIND A COMPROMISE !!!

DO NOT give up. Marriage is too precious and divorce is painful. It's not an easy ride after divorce either. It gets harder.