Is it correct that marriage means loss of independence?

Question

I would like to know what people think about this problem. We all want to be independent in life, be it social or professional or personal. Whenever our independence is compromised we feel bad. Now a marriage requires dedication, effort to make it successful (from both partners). That means they both MUST make compromises in the form of spending time and energy both willingly or unwillingly for the sake of family. When one is forced to do that unwillingly that is really unfortunate. For example many promising women leave career to look after family. Or when they continue to look after both family and job, probably they have to work harder. In general what is the best way to deal with the problem? Is it possible to achieve bliss without feeling bitter about lack of premarital independence?

It may happen that my partner dislikes what I like or the other way... what can be the solution so that no one is hurt and both remain happy?

Answer 1

Your question is a little convoluted and the idea that independence is lost through marriage is incorrect.

I think you see independence as the ability to do what ever you like when ever you like and to a point you would be correct. But it is so much more than that. Marrying someone you love doesn't effect your independence; no one TAKES your independence from you; you have to give it away.

We live in an altruistic society where we do things for family/friends/others that doesn't necessarily come with a "pay off". Yes, women leave promising careers to look after families, just as men pass up promotions to spend more time with the kids...but I feel that you think that this sacrifice is seen as an involuntary action...it is quite the opposite. People give things up daily for family; sadly, a lot don't and those families suffer greatly.

Give and take. What pleasure would you ever have in only pleasing yourself and not allowing others into your life?

It would seem such a waste.

Answer 2

The problem that I see is that by your definition, your priorities are not consistent with wanting a happy marriage. In other words, some of the compromises you make should be higher in your priorities (in other words you are doing it because YOU want to, because YOU value the marriage). If this is not possible you need to take another look at your priorities.

My fiance and I are going through some of this right now. We both are highly independent and would like to remain so, but we recognize that our independence INCLUDES choosing to be with the other person and choosing to value them. If you do these things against your will, then you are in an unhealthy relationship.

When you are at an impasse, I find it helps that if the person that is being sacrificed for finds a way of showing appreciation for that sacrifice that gets rid of any bitterness that the other might feel.

If there really are obvious bitterness and resentment issues, I'd back up and make sure you and the other person are ready for this commitment and that you are ready for it with each other. Will you be happier putting up with that compromise, or happier away from the person?

Answer 3

I think each partner has to give a little and take a little. They have to compromise and agree that whatever they decide is what they both really want to happen. A marriage is two people, but that doesn't mean you lose your individuality.
My husband is in Iraq right now and I quit my job to be at home with our children. Sure I could have stayed at my job but it wouldn't have made him happy and I know I wouldn't have been very happy either because I liked the fact that he was at home with them to give them dinner and bathe them at night while I was working. I wouldn't have felt safer with anyone else doing it so I am doing that myself now. We both agree this was not the best for me or him, but for our kids.
We take time to spend with our friends and do things we enjoy together and things we enjoy to do by ourselves or with friends. Everyone needs space. As long as the marriage partner isn't trying to do something that could jeopardize the marriage they should be free to carry on their business as long as it's not going to put the other partner out. You don't have the freedom to make those kind of choices when there are others involved like a spouse and children. It's a courtesy to discuss and ask their opinion on what you would like to do. If you can't do this, then yah you are probably better off staying single, because you can't enter a marriage being selfish, it just doesn't work.

Answer 4

Marriage is compromise and both partners will have to give a few things up to work as a unit. If two people marry and still expect to function as independent individuals they are deluding themselves. Stuff like, children, finances, careers, even who takes out the garbage should be discussed prior to taking the vows. Just cause it's love doesn't mean all the practical projects are taken care of magically. People are also not joined at the hip because they marry. They have souls, a life before you knew them and dreams. Respect and communicate.

Answer 5

Hey Roy

Marriage one beautiful thing which God has made, once ur married, ur a complete man and a very responsible person. We need a emotional supports of a person other than a parents. This does not take ur independence but give u more independence to make ur and ur family correct. Being alone u will not gain anything but in times u become isolated. U need a partner who helps and support u in ur emotional ups and downs and give u immense love. We show that we men are very practical and does not fall in emotion. But the truth is that we are more emotion, we show the practical thing from frontside but inside we are very much emotion and love seeking creature.So, dude get married.

Answer 6

Marraige is addition of responsibilities. And at that cost, what you call as loss of independence, a companion for a lifetime should not be an issue. But the way you strongly feeel about your own freedom, it's better for you not to get married. You would be creating problems for yourself as well as your partner.

I had the same feelings about marraige. My parents tried for 3 whole years for my affirmation. Even I wanted to fool them and reject every girl I meet. Finally I had to give up against this sweet girl who is now my wife. The best part of the story is that I am thankful to my parents and God for such a wonderful partner...

:-)

Answer 7

Not really but marriage means a bond which ties 2 persons & unite them including their decisions.Independence is stiil enjoyed but after it there is a partener with u always so double enjoyment.

Answer 8

that all depends on how the relationship is defined between the man and the woman in the relationship. what you have written above is mainly assumed based on culture and the influence that we have from other sources (family, friends, co-workers, magazines, advertising, internet). if you want to remain independent in a relationship (meaning, you continue to work your own job and make your own money) then you will need to make that clear to your partner. children are not necessary to have once two people get married. the decision to have children will always be optional. so if you want to stay childfree and independent in your life and in regards to your body then you need to make that clear to your partner.

Answer 9

You lose some independance, but gain so much more. It is lonely without having a partner to share you life experiences with. My b/f lets me do whatever I want, I don't need his permission. He trusts me, and I trust him. We are partners, not parents to each other. If you find the right person for you, you might not have to "work" as much to make the relationship fulfilling, meaningful, and great for both partners.

Answer 10

Yes, Sometimes