What is a proper, but effective way to explain pre-teen hygiene. Is there something wrong with my 11 yr old???

Question

I don't want to hurt my daughters feelings, but I want her understand how important female hygiene is before she starts having her monthly. she thinks it is funny. I can get up in the middle of the night and go into her bathroom and there will be urine in the toilet but no toilet paper, meaning she did not wipe. One day I was sorting her clothes and came across panties that were disgusting. they were soiled very badly...looked liked she had not wiped or washed in days and smelled like urine. I tried to tell her if she does not wipe and wash correctly she would smell bad and I would hate for my daughter to be one of those kids that I use to pick on when I was in Middle School. We have to ask her did you remember to brush your teeth, did you put on deodarant. she will do good for maybe a week or two, but then it is back. It is almost like her attention spand is short. How can she forget to do things that should be second nature...habit

Answer 1

I hate to alarm you but those habits are a major red flag for sexual abuse. Alot of children will soil themselves to keep whomever is hurting them away, thinking if they're dirty that they'll stop being hurt. Staying after a pre-teen about brushing their teeth and deodorant is fairly normal, staying after them about wiping their bottoms is not normal. Everyone gets, uh, "skid marks" once in awhile but it sounds like this is a recurring, persistent problem.

Please take her to her doctor to rule out physical problems that may be causing this, as there are a few. Have the doctor give her a thorough run down on why maintaining hygiene is important. If the doctor doesn't find anything physical, please take her to a psychiatrist.

Answer 2

Teens and preteens can be very sensitive to criticism about appearance and hygeine. Comments intended in love can often be perceived as unwelcome and accusatory.

I would let her know ONCE that it is necessary, not just for asthetic reasons, but for health reasons to wipe completely front to back after going to the bathroom and wash hands. The female body is very vulnerabe to bladder infection if proper bathroom hygeine is not observed. Do not push the issue though or it could easily become a battle of wills w/ her defying you just to stand her ground. It is, after all, her body. As much as you want good for her, she has to make these decisions on her own if she's to keep them up.

You might also leave hygeine products in easy reach. Perhaps some flushable wet wipes. They can be more comfortable than dry toilet paper. Maybe also pantyliners which can absorb a little wetness and odor.

Perhaps there is also a bladder problem? If she is leaking urine rather than dripping from not wiping, then that could be a serious problem. I'm not sure how you'd broach that subject, but it would have to be gently.

It can also be a sign of something serious going on emtionally. As other posters pointed out, it can signal depression or even sexual abuse. These things need to be probed VERY delicately though if your daughter is to trust and confide in you.

Another thing which might help is you can say, "HOney, it seems like you're not wiping and washing after using the bathroom. Let's talk to your doctor and see what s/he thinks." If you do this in a completely nonaccusatory or punative way, she may be receptive. Then, the doc can explain the medicial reasons behind good bathroom hygeine. Sometimes an outside source is listened to more than the parents. Frustrating but true.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Some children have to learn the hard way. Just like others said, when people outside of the house start smelling her and calling her on it (which they will, kids are mean) she will fix it. At 11, the last thing a child wants to be is the smelly one. I think you have done all you can do without making it worse. You could take her to the doctor, but that is likely to embarass her more than anything. Another thing you could try is talk to another parent or maybe the school counselor. That way you will get more ideas and let them know that you are trying at the same time. Teachers are weird about that now. They are so quick to assume abuse so going to them first will show that you are trying to fix this.

Answer 4

i was the same way at her age, my daughter is 9 and she is like that only with tooth brushing...we bought the mouthwash that stains the dirty spots on her teeth blue, and she has to brush until its all off. I know for myself personally I was very depressed at that age, and poor hygiene can be an indicator of that. Not saying your daughter is depressed, but i was and had the same preteen hygiene issues as she seems to be having. Keep talking to her about the importance of such things, and find out what may be going on if there is in fact anything going on at all.

Answer 5

We require proper hygiene of our children, regardless of age or proximity to puberty. If she isn't showering, you should ensure that she is. If she's faking it (not using soap or shampooing), you should stand outside the door while she showers, and insist on checking her hair and body (not private areas, obviously) for odors. If she didn't use cleansing products, water will NOT do the trick, and you will know! It takes a much greater degree of supervision if she is not doing these things, and it's your responsibility as the parent to ensure she is/does.

I have six children, my 2 boys being the worst when it comes to using soap & brushing teeth, but one of my daughters is notorious for not changing her panties (she's 9, almost 10). Eeeew! I will send them back to do it again, or threaten bathing/dressing them/brushing teeth myself if I don't think they've done it properly. With the one daughter, I will set out her clothes with clean panties to ensure that she doesn't forget. I honestly think she just has this one favorite pair and she wants to wear them all. the. time. :snort:

Good luck! She is 11, still a child. Let her know you won't settle for anything less-- hygiene is NOT a choice in your household.

Answer 6

Tell her the truth. Say that if she doesn't wipe or clean herself she can get very bad infections. Tell her also that boys will NEVER hang out with her if she doesn't (she may act like she doesn't care, as if she is discusted by the idea of a guy but dhe will start "blooming" and taking better care of herself, this is what hooked me on the idea at age 10.)

Hope everything goes well

Answer 7

You need to stay on her. let her know she could get infections for not keeping herself clean. She would then have to go to the Doctor. That might change her mind. Some girls just plain get lazy. Like I said you need to just keep at her. She will change soon enough. It's a stage that all girls kind of go through, some worse than others. When she starts to take an interest in boys, and she probably will soon, you'll notice a change.

Answer 8

Just tell her straight up what the problem is. If she pees on the toilet, the next time you go in there wake her up and tell her to wipe it. Make her wash her panties (not by hand, but in the washer) so that she can see how gross it is. If she still sees it as a joke, don't get mad. Just let her go to school smelling like pee, period, and stank. She'll come around.

Answer 9

10 and 11 years go through an icky not washing faze.
one time I had to tell my daughter to get in the shower 5 times .
the 5th time I walked into her room and calmly poured a little shampoo on her head and said ok NOW get in the shower.
it didn't happen again:)
better you do something to make her mad a little to save her the grief of being tormented at school.
I hate being the ogre of the house but thats what Moms are for.
When they ask me me why I make them do things I sweetly say "because it's my job to make your life miserable honey "
then reason usually returns and they do the right thing

Answer 10

She's probably doing it because she knows you want her to do something else.
This is that age where anything contrary is what they like the best.
She'll get over it. One day she'll go to school and some kid will say "eww, you stink" and she'll start showering 3x a day.
hang in there ;)