Should a rocky relationship be worked on for the kids sake?

Question

Been married for 13 yrs and find I sometimes hate my spouse. He is very controlling and demanding when it comes to money. I want to work our finances seperately, so I am only answerable to me. He wants to control it all and make me account to him for every penny that I make. We have tried all kinds of compromises, but it always comes back to him asking me questions I dont want to deal with. Should I give up? I thought of it several times, but always am afraid I can't make it on my own, and that the kids (7yrs and 9yrs) will be through too much in a divorce. I know he won't just let me take them and leave me alone. He would still try to control me out of the relationship. So, is it worth it to leave, when I dont really want to be there anymore? Of course, I know I have to figure it out myself in the end, but I would like everyone's advice and opinions...
thanks

Answer 1

I've been there. I split up with my wife like 3 times totalling just around 2 years seperated. We didn't have kids at the time, but I asked myself, "Do I still love her?". I'm happy to say, we worked out our differences and recently celebrated or 10th anniversary and a new baby boy to boot.

That's what you have to ask yourself though, do you still love him? Without that, there's nowhere to go. If you do though, exhaust every resource available to you. Marriage counseling, talk to the local Preacher at your church if you go to Church, friends or family that have gone through the same or similar situation. However, you can't be doing all the footwork, he has to get in there too. It would show his commitment to you AND the kids.

Talk to him and make sure he listens AND understands what you say and where you're coming from, not just nod and grunt like an oaf. After all my wife and I have been through, I pay attention now and all this time she's had important things to say, but I wasn't listening, I was to busy being a man. That I think is a major problem in marriages. I don't think the majority of men put a lot of worth in what their wives say, reason why there's a lot of fighting going on. That doesn't abstain you women though, some of you truly do drive us nuts. Hell, my wife still does it, but I've learned how to shake it off like fleas.

This is such a tough situation, I really hope that things work out for you, but if it doesn't go your way stay strong and don't quit on yourself. Your children will give you the strength you need. Just look in their eyes. Good luck to all of you.

Answer 2

I really don't think you should stay if he is that demanding and you are that unhappy. You said that you have tried to compromise and it doesn't work out. This is a big decision for you. You cannot have your children growing up thinking that your relationship is healthy. It isn't. Control can lead to physical abuse. Nobody needs to live with that. If you work and he pays child support then you can probably make it on your own. Yes, divorce is damaging to children, but so is your situation. They will survive. Being married does not give a spouse the right to control the other. Period. Consult a lawyer and ask him all the questions you have here. Hopefully they can put your mind at ease. I wish you luck and freedom in the future. :)

Answer 3

The kids will survive a divorce. If you have exhausted all possibilities in making this work between your husband and yourself then by all means call enough , enough. Staying together "For" the kids so they can see an unhealthy , unhappy relationship isn't for the kids anyway, its for the guilt the parent feels. As far as him trying to control you once the relationship is over , well with sharing kids , he still will be able to manipulate things now and then, but that will decrease with time and your standing strong on your own. If you leave , things will change.

Answer 4

Firtst, you CAN make it on your own and many do. I have a friend, she's single with three children. They dont have a whole lot but they are just fine and the kids are very happy kids. (ages 7,4 and 3).
I think marriages should be worked on hard before a divource but if one isnt willing to meet half way, then it cant work. I dont believe someone should stay in an unhappy marriage.
The kids will have a hard time adjusting but there are many resources to help you and help you help them. Your love,understanding and you not talking badly about their father will be helpful for them. They dont need to hear about how you and your husband hate each other but that it didnt work(in kid terms) but you both love them just the same and you BOTH should still be a part of the kids' lives. Unless the dad is abusive, he should still be a huge part of their lives. Its very important. You and dad need to be as cordial as possible. I got carried away.
But, like I said, if fixing things dosent work, do what you need to do. You'll be fine, the kids will be fine. Good luck.

Answer 5

Staying together for the kids is a terrible idea. Kids pick up on things you do not realize. They know if mom or dad is happy or not. They will also model their future relationships after what they see.

Finances.... That is a tough one without some specifics. My first marriage my wife handled all the bills, she did a lousy job and I ended up in bankruptsy. My current marriage, we divided the bills that way as long as the bills get paid we can spend our extra money on anything we want, with no questions to answer. This seems to work, for us. My wife and I both make pretty good money so paying half the bills is no problem for either one of us.

Answer 6

If you are miserable in your marriage your children have been picking up on that misery and you are making them miserable. Being married you will be entited to 50% of the marital assets at the very least as well as child support for the children. In the divorce decree it will state that neither one of you are allowed to "otherwise harass the other" and if he does try to control things after the divorce you can take him back to court, just make sure you keep records of everything he does. Just because he has visitation with his children doesn't mean he has the right to control YOUR life after you are no longer married, any problems you have with him trying to do so take up with your lawyer. When he signs the divorce papers with that statement in it if he doesn't abide by it then he can be charged with contempt and jailed.

Answer 7

Yes, you should leave him, he's not going to change, and will probably get worse as time goes on. You can get a court order for child support to assist you with living expenses. He may try, but can't control you, once you leave, unless you allow him to. The kids may say nothing, but you need to know that they're not dumb, and know that something is wrong in your relationship. They'll be happier, and better adjusted, if you leave now. I was once in your situation, and leaving was the smartest thing I ever did in my life. There is life, after divorce!

Answer 8

You have to consider two things, if you stay together, your kids will think, this is the way a marriage should look like. I mean they know you don't like them and they know your hubby is controling and sinc eyou stay, both kids will think its ok for the husband to control the wife. You could try counseling before you get a divorce, if your husband will do that, if not, you may have to get your kids counseling to help them thru the divorce. I think staying together is just as damaging, but that is my opinion. I would pray about it first.

Answer 9

I don't agree that the kids will be better off if you stay. Remember that you are teaching your children what a marriage is supposed to be like. Your marriage is the one they will use as an example.
Before you make the choice to leave, ask yourself if you still love him. Does he love you? Is this marriage beyond repair?
Answering these questions will help you decide if you should stay.
It is awful to be married to someone who is so controlling. I know, I was there. I finally did leave and when I did, my teenage kids asked why it took so long. They didn't like to see their parents miserable either.
Good luck to you.

Answer 10

My observation is that money is important in and of itself, in other words, for what it can buy. But money serves another purpose in a marriage, and that is power. The person who controls the money controls the relationship.
I think it is very telling that you have tried all kinds of compromises, but he only lives by them temporarily. Then he wants to control your use of money again. You may have a problem with spending, but my sense is that this is not about money, it is about his need to control. He needs serious counseling. If he won't go with you, you should go alone.
Good luck.