My husband and I were having trouble about 5 years ago and both of us had affairs. We decided to stay together and forgive each other. I have given him no reason not to trust me since then but he has just now asked for a divorce if I do not give him the name of the person I saw back then. I do not believe this will help us now and I feel this is an unfair ultimatum. We are in marriage counseling and the counselor agrees. What would you do?
2007-02-21 22:53:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tell him. You should be willing to be totally honest with him. He should be willing to be totally honest with you. If you cannot be honest with him, then he should divorce you.
You need to find a new counselor. He/She doesn't understand the importance of honesty.
2007-02-21 23:48:07 · answer #1 · answered by Otis F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The sad truth is that he never forgave you, I would be surprised which man would. The reason you stayed together must be over the hill now, was it coz of the kids or what? If its over its over, the nice thing about this is that your conscience is clear this has nothing to do with you this time. The very fact that he even contemplates the divorce is divorce already. The guy wants the divorce for another reason a but is using the past affair as an excuse. He has something else up his sleeve, dump the dude dear, life is too short as it is!
2007-02-21 23:13:48 · answer #2 · answered by BujuB 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if u both had decided to start life afresh, then you shud tell him the name of the person u were seeing, but on the condition that it shud not make any difference to him. Yes, it is an unfair ultimatum as it should not make any difference after forgiving and forgetting. But you do all u can to save ur marriage, but if he still acts funny, just give him what he wants-the divorce.
2007-02-21 23:01:13 · answer #3 · answered by adyno1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you know the name of the woman he had an affair with?
To me it depends on what he wants to know for.
If you know who he cheated with, he just want to know so that it is "fair"?
Or is he going to hunt the guy down and start a ton of problems for him as well as for you?
I'm sorry to say that I think your marriage is on a course of destruction.
Even if you get through this, how many more times is he going to lay down an ultimatum to get something out of you? It's a control issue, he feels because of the affair he has lost control of you and this ultimatum is to get you back in line.
Yes, he cheated too, but it doesn't matter.
The trust issue on both your parts is big enough.
There is something inside him just burning him badly thinking of you with this other man, and I don't think he has forgiven you at all.
I'm not a big fan of counseling, you pay them alot of money to tell you things you already know.
What would I do?
Call his bluff.
Don't tell him, as you said, it won't help anything and gives him control.
If he files for divorce, he files, but it's better than living like you have been the last 5 years.
2007-02-22 00:38:07 · answer #4 · answered by Mr R 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would want to know the other persons name. My first wife hid this information and i gave her the same ultimatum while in counseling. I suspected one of my subordinates at work was the culprit. It took 2 years and $20,000 to the marriage counselor to finally drag that name out of her. It wasn't just one but several different people.
I was in the military on shore duty at the time, and all these men she named were my subordinates. I confronted everyone of them about it. I couldn't beat their butts down without facing some form of disciplinary action, so i had them transferred to some of the worst duty station locations in the world.
Then i divorced the wife.
Your husband has every right to this information and if you continue to hide this name from him, you might eventually find yourself in one very difficult if not violent situation with him, so tell him the truth.
2007-02-21 23:20:04 · answer #5 · answered by michael_trussell 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In all if you too said you forgave each other then it should be over and down whats in the past stays in the past and by knowing who you slept with is just bring up old wounds that he has not forgiven you at all..If he wants a divorce then give him one...The ultimatum he is giving you is only because he wants to know the guy....If he wanted a divorce he would have gotten one five years ago...Its just a trick to hang over your head...girl PRAY for him and tell him if you want to but all affairs are tough things to go through because with it comes consequences and repercussions..I bet you will think twice before cheating again...Its not worth it..
2007-02-21 23:04:04 · answer #6 · answered by ramona M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did he tell you who he cheated with? I wouldn't tell him and if he wants a divorce then so be it. I would give him the divorce but not tell him who the man was, it's a pride thing. Don't break if he can't move on too bad.
p.s. A therapist is like a pair of shoes if the first one doesn't fit try on another pair. They all have different styles, you might want to take that into consideration because if this one can't seem to get through to your husband that a name won't make your marriage work, you husband may need to see someone else on his own.
2007-02-21 23:03:33 · answer #7 · answered by Lisa D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has been five years and he is bringing it up now I would not tell him the name of the person because it does not matter now as long as you have been faithful since then I would honestly say that there is something going on with him and he wants a divorce and that he is just trying to blame you for the past. Good Luck with what ever you decide to do.
2007-02-21 23:11:15 · answer #8 · answered by butterflybaby 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's obvious the affair problem was never resolved. They rarely ever really are. It usually takes some other tragedy to put things into perspective. How you live is up to you but I couldn't take the constant harassment. I would let him give his ultimatum, you might be better off without the guy.
2007-02-21 23:00:49 · answer #9 · answered by hthr_1974 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i believe he is just using it as an excuse and even if u did give him the name of the man, he would still find another reason to ask for a divorce. think he is probably cheating, wanting to find a reason, any reason to leave. i would tell him to just go on and leave, he is probably still cheating, and is trying to find a reason. after 5 years it just doesn't make sense, and chances are if it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. giving the mans name will not make a difference, his reasons are not about your affair, they are about him, and he is probably cheating and wants out of the marriage, but doesn't want to be the bad guy.
2007-02-21 23:03:56 · answer #10 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've been given an ultimatum, either give the name up or pack your bags. Ultimatums arent fare by nature, but when they're given I take them pretty seriously.
2007-02-21 22:59:22 · answer #11 · answered by bradnick2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋