Is it grief or guilt?

Question

last year my dear Grandmother died after suffering a long and painful illness, when she passed away I wasn't upset like everyone else and got on with helping my mother with the practical stuff, the trouble is now a year later I think about her all the time,dream about her and feel upset when I see something that reminds me of her...I feel guilty that I didn't grieve when I should have..

Answer 1

How old are you dear sweet thing? Have you ever noticed how people say nice things about the dead even if they were total 'shitheads' (sorry). As a teacher it annoyed me when a young man, a bully and a twerp was glorified by people who either did not know him or hated him. Yet when a really nice girl died there was little fuss and it took her genuine friends ages to get a little plaque to her in the school. Real sorrow demands we live good lives in memory and respect for the departed. False sorrow sounds out loud Look up Shakespeare who mentions that true things happen not with a clash of cymbols but quietly.
You are giving the best present to your grandmother by being kind and sensible and looking after her daughter ( your mother) no better gift could you give. But now it's catching up with you. Give yourself the present of remembering Gran now with softness and true love not out aloud but with gentle tears; look at photos; look at the sky and let yourself have time to grieve at a respectable time. Take Care dear. How nice it must have been for Granny to have known you.

Answer 2

Your grieving, everyone griefs differently and at different time,at the time you were helping your mum through it and putting her feeling before your own,which makes you a very selfless person and nothing to be guilty about. A year has past and now you are reminded of the year before and your mum has got over the worst of it, and now all the feelings you put on hold are comming out in a perfectly natural way. You wil be alright, perfectly natural to look after the ones you love.Your Gran will be proud of you.

Answer 3

There is no "should have" for grieving. People react in different ways at different times. Your mind was obviously prioritising things for you and decided at the time that being strong for those around you was the best thing for you, and that now is the time for you to grieve. You obviously supported your family a lot at the time so it sounds as if they would now be there for you now it is your turn.

I do sort of know what you mean. I was very close to my grandad and yet I didn't cry at all at his funeral. I spent a long time feeling guilty about this, but think now that there was just too much grief in me to deal with it at that particular time. I have made my peace with myself over it now and I hope that you will too soon.

Answer 4

You shouldn't feel guilty, everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. When your grandmother passed away, you would have felt upset, you just dealt with it differently, perhaps to be strong for your mother to help her through the tough times. It is perfectly normal to feel how you feel and you most certainly should not feel guilty for that! Perhaps talking to your mother or another family member or friend would help you get through it. Good Luck!

Answer 5

I think we all go through guilt after someone passes, guilt has a tendency to creep up on us for all sorts of things, you say you think about her all the time, and dream about her, 2 years after my grandmother passed she came to me in my dreams, very unexpectedly.

After she passed i keeped asking her spirit to come to me and let me know that she was alright, i think the reason she came to me in my dreams was because i would of #h@t my self if she had shown herself to me, she was radiant, glowing, and she didn't look like she did when she was sick, that was enough for me to know she was alright.
What i am saying is don't feel guilty, that is the last thing she would want, be proud of the memories you had together, she will always be with you in your heart.

Sometimes it takes us a while to grief after someone has passed, we all grief differently, grieving is a process of acceptance, a process of never forgetting the person but also letting go.

You sound like you are a very supporting person with helping your mother, you should be proud of that, i am sure your grandmother would.

Be positive girl, your grandmother is no longer sick or in pain.
Good Luck

Answer 6

Alice - its grief. It took me ten months to finally realise
that my mom was not coming back. I used to pretend
that she was still in the Nursing Home and I had not got chance
to see her. Then one day it hit me out of the blue. Then started
the rounds of anti-depressant then counselling.
As you said you helped to mother with the practical stuff.
This is what you do. I think you do it by auto-pilot. Its just
now after a year it is all coming to the surface. Now is YOUR
time to start the grieving process. Don,t feel guilty. You
have your,re mom to be with and you can be a help to each
other. Good Luck.
P.S. Don,t be afraid to go to the docs. It did help me for a
while.

Answer 7

There is no set time for grief. If your grandmother suffered a long and painful illness, then it was a blessing when she passed away. what you are feeling now is nostalgia, dont get upset just enjoy your nice memories.....

Answer 8

The thing is, you can't grieve on command, don't blame yourself for that. For some reason it hit you a year later, nothing wrong with that. And people grieve in different ways. Don't feel guilty.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

You shouldn't feel guilty, grief affects people in different ways. If you're having to be strong and support other people then sometimes your own grief doesn't hit you until a lot later.

Answer 10

it sounds totally normal how you dealt with it, because what you did was stay strong for others and put your own feelings aside to help others and now its been a while its kinda hitting you and you are doing your grieving now, so dont worry and try to keep positive about all the good things you and your grandmother did.