girlfriend has borderline personality disorder?

Question

I think my girlfriend has BPD. We have been dating 6 years and I love her to death, but no matter what I do she complains that I don't love her enough. She is HORRIBLE when we fight and says and does the most hurtful things. She also has a wonderful side that I fell in love with and get to see from time to time. Disagreements start much like they would in any other relationship, but she gets so cruel so fast that it escalates into something really ugly. How can I deal with her when she gets like this?

Answer 1

PRAY ! I'll talk to you from experience and that probably won't help. As I came to understand, there are only a few choices for you to make and all are tough decisions. You can (A) Simply ride the storm out, even if that means accepting public humiliation and being "pegged" a whimp by your friends.(B) stand and fight, which will cause an enormous amount of problems. This is because, in most every case, a female will be seen as "in the right" even if she is wrong. I personally allowed it to continue until it came to a real fight. I ended up with black eyes and bruises as well as 180 days in a county jail. The fact that I had not struck her was irrelevent to the officer on scene and therefore, I went for a ride with the nice man. (C) You could suggest she and/or both of you seek councelling which will probably cause her to become extremely angry because you ( in her mind ) have attacked her personally, even though you suggested that it could be yourself that is the problem.(D) You could wait and hope she grows out of it, although I doubt if that will happen. More than likely, it will simply prolong your suffering. (E) You can walk away with some dignity because the longer you allow yourself to be belittled, so too will your self worth dwindle. To leave a relationship and both be able to smile with a six year history, is much better than a seven year history full of hatred. My guess is that she has simply lost interest in something and/or found an interest in something else. Don't blame yourself (necessarily) because you may not have been any different than in the beginning, except that you forgot about chapter 7. You know, thats the chapter that describes the rule about trying to figure out how a woman thinks. It will never happen is the main theme. Most women suffer from a personality disorder from time to time and I think it is always available for their personal use in keeping men on their toes.....or in mental institutions. Good Luck...you definately need it...

Answer 2

Well, I know a book which might help. It's called, "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave Me." It's all about Borderline Personality Disorder written more for the layperson. You are in a difficult position. I do sympathize. I lived with someone with Borderline. She was a co-worker who invited me to join in as a housemate then proceeded to turn all the other housemates against me (a typical Borderline behavior I learned). She had a new boyfriend at the time, and I saw him go through something similar to what you are describing--the slow realization that the person you care about is really in trouble and while you care for them you don't want the craziness or the responsibility they put on you. With any person with mental illness, setting boundaries is important. Getting counseling for your own sake and for feedback on how to proceed can only help you navigatate you through a difficult journey. Best wishes.

Answer 3

*Sigh* Don't run away... If you love her as much as you say, try to get her some help.

First question: is she a drug user? Pot smoker? I was a big pot user when my doctor send me to a psychiatrist because he thought I had BPD.

I was suicidal at the time, but what I really wanted, was help! I had to stop using drugs to find out if I really had a BPD. Plus: I was going through a major depressive episode that had to be taken care of.

I stopped using drugs, took medication for my depression, for my anxiety and for the mood swings. With time, I stopped taking one after the other. I'm still off drugs. I'm off antidepressants, off all medication, and I do not have a BPD.

But I do have strong traits of borderline personality.

Good luck. If you love her, do not let her go through that alone. If you are really seriously convinced she has a problem: you can call the ambulance when the fights escalate. People with psychological problems do not usually get help. People who love them get them the help they need. Is she suicidal? Does she show depression symptoms? Is she a drug user? All these things could make her behaviour seem like she has a personality problem...

Answer 4

Hmm... most people will ask you to question whether this relationship is worth it because you have to take the good with the bad.

That is something I can't give an answer to but I do urge you to take care of your own self and make sure you don't get abused for her sake and that if you choose to commit, that you are ready to stay with that problem for a long long time. If not, you'll both create worse problems along the road.

As on how to deal with her, I'm glad you're enquiring and checking all angles but I don't know enough to help you.

I do know this though.

If you want to help cure the problem, it's not going to be easy. You have to do three things.

1) Get her to see the problem and what she's doing to you and to others. Until she can see that she's wreaking serious damage, all your attempts to help her will be pointless because she needs to recognize that she needs help first.

2) If she can realize that, both you and her can look for the root of the problem. Mental problems usually come from some incident or influence in a person's life that motivates such behaviour. My little sister had a boyfriend who was a bit like that. Turns out he had controlling perfectionist parents leaving him with low self-esteem and the programming to do this to others, including my little sister.

3) If you can figure out the root, you know your enemy. Now you need to get help. Whether it be psychologists or God, find some way to get that out of her system.

All the best, friend.

Answer 5

Run away as fast as you can, don't walk, don't stop for anything or she will ruin your life and be only sorry that she could not run you thru the mill another time. This is a disorder that will shorten YOUR lifetime. And your children will bear the confusion all thru their lives. So sorry!

Answer 6

She needs medical attention as soon as possible., you can't force her though.

A person has to admit they have a problem for any kind of treatment to be effective.

I don't think any kind of relationship can exist for long if her behaviour doesn't change.

Answer 7

What's chaining you to this person? You're young, live your life. If you're not happy in your present state then it's time to move on.