Any bit of my poem needs to be changed?

Question

I made this poem and i wanted to know if anything could be changed. Like making the syllables the same and stuff.
It can only remain 16 lines though:) Enjoy

IN THE PATH OF A WAR
I can hear the guns firing beside me,
Land mines go off making it harder to see.
A German soldier approaches, aiming his gun,
I was frozen with fear then began to run.
As I run as fast as I could, I think of my family,
And when I last felt my daughter hugging me.
As night falls all the lights go out,
Now I’m not sure who is lurking about.
Out jumps a soldier holding a knife,
He gave me a look of contempt and took my life.
Watching my daughter grow up is what I will miss,
I never said goodbye or gave my wife a kiss.
My time here on earth isn’t too long,
As I can hear the angels’ heavenly song.
I drew my last breath in the thin frosty air,
Then I drifted off to heaven without any care.

Answer 1

I thought it was an excellent poem, very intense. Do agree with the others that you don't need to rhyme so much. In fact, I think it would be even more gripping if you didn't rhyme and just told the raw facts. Great poem though.

Answer 2

The word play is a little bit off. It seems that you are trying too hard to rhyme, almost forced. Let it flow. There are obvious feelings in there, you just need to express the feelings, not the rhyming. You could also try rotating the syllables in the lines. (i.e. LIne 1: 5s; Line 2: 7s; Line 3:5s; and Line 4: 7s) Kind of like what I did in a poem I did not too long ago.

I'm trapped in a hull of a person
Void of all feeling.
Alone in the bloodbath you left me.
Emotions fade--
One gives way to another's silence.
The mirror no longer holds a great
promise you made me.
Floating in this realm, like a puppet,
you left me here.
It's been sixty-six hours, yet nothing
has gotten well.
My heart aches more for you and a few
can know the pain.
I'll never get to tell you this, but
I love you; I miss you; I want you--
And hardly have I known you
My child.

Answer 3

one of the biggest misconceptions about poetry is that it has to rhyme. You used such an intense situation I think you missed out on some phrases or strong words because you were trying to rhyme. Try manipulating some of the last words on the lines to what you really want to say instead of trying to make everything sound like "roses are red". Great thought though make it intense

Answer 4

That was a good poem. Line 7 should be rewritten. There were some grammar errors. You would probably notice them if you re-read it. You could change line 7 to something like: And then at last I felt my daughter hugging me. (which is probably what you meant to say).
The last line could be touched up, but it is o.k. as it is.

Answer 5

not too shabby.i dont know where youre from but here in Canada we wear a poppy on remembrance day(like the U.S veterans day) to commemorate lost soldiers.it stemmed from John Mcrae's poem,a WWI Canadian soldier who wrote "Flanders Feilds".i do recommend you google it for further inspiration.

oh,here it is.

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch, be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields

Answer 6

My god, you are a very talented lady. You don't have to change any of your paragraphs. Good for you. Keep it up.

Answer 7

Very deep, very good! I would not change a thing