A light hearted poem...do you like it?

Question

La La Land

A charming place
Where daydreams are real
No need to beg
Or borrow or steal.

Where things are not bought
But simply given away
And the sun shines brightly
Everyday

Its always pleasant
In la la land
Where all goes well
And according to plan

There is no pain
No broken hearts
Everyday
Is a brand new start

Dreamers dream
And watch them come true
Nobody sits around
Crying the blues

Each head has a cloud
To wear as a crown
Nobody can steal it
Or put it down

Where your hearts desire
Is always at hand
So what’s wrong with living
In la la land?

Answer 1

It doesn't do much for me, and I'll tell you why.

You use a lot of very general words. The word "things" is a very obvious example of this--the word has no meaning of its own. Also, you use a lot of adjectives like "pleasant," "charming," and "brand new." This causes the poem to kind of drift without settling down. When writing a poem, remember William Carlos Williams' dictum: "No ideas but in things." Always be specific and concrete.

Now, having said that, many of the "rules" of good and bad in a poem are reversed in a song. This piece has a good jazzy feel to it that suggests Bix Beiderbecke and Charlie Parker. If you were to set it to music and present it as a song rather than a poem, you may have the first draft of a winner here.

Answer 2

I consider myself somewhat of a poet. I like this poem. It's not the subject matter I usually write about. I write more from my past heartaches, heartbreaks and tough times I have had in my life. It's my form or therapy. But for a poem on a more light subject matter, I like it. Keep it up!

Answer 3

I likey!

Though each line is so short, can you do something like this:

A charming place, where daydreams are real,
No need to beg or borrow or steal.

Where things are not bought, but simply given away,
And the sun shines brightly, everyday.

etc, etc.

Answer 4

The phrase I mean you like me as "light hearted" Only you can makes my heart as lighted.

Answer 5

yeaaa, its good and heavenly.

Let us walk through the straight path
The only safest highway without toll to heaven
The La La Land
Where promises are kept.

Answer 6

No.You wont be happy at such a place. How will u value happiness without pain? So, technically speaking its wrong.

Answer 7

Yes. It's cute.

Answer 8

very cute :)

(I like the way the lines break)

Answer 9

nice man

Answer 10

cute poem..