my wife had a affair 6 years ago & would not talk about it then is it ok for me to ask who it was with now?

Question

she would not talk about it then said she would leave first we stayed together now I want to know who he was just his name am i wrong for this

This is his wife...we BOTH had affairs and agreed to stay together and forgive each other and NOT talk about this any more. I had said that I would not talk about it at the time but would be fine to leave. He wanted me to stay.

Answer 1

It is normal to want to know who it was. But do you really want to bring it up again if things are ok?? And you may not really want to know remember that as well!

Answer 2

I don't think it's a good idea. However, don't beat yourself up over wanting to know since it's natural.

The fact that you still want to know means that you haven't gotten past it. I'm not saying that affairs are easy to forget, but you must ask yourself why you still want to know.

Is it because the affair made you insecure and knowing who it was will allow you to compare yourself with him? Whether he's got something you don't, that's irrelevant and probably untrue. Affairs happen a lot of times because the strayer was missing something within him/herself.

Remember that your wife made a choice to stay with you. That is what matters. And it speaks volumes of how she feels about you and your marriage. Support her in her decision to move beyond it by living each day in its present moment, not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow. Only you can create your own happiness, which means you can either continue to dwell on the affair OR enjoy your beautiful wife. Your choice.

Your wife may have a number of reasons to not want to talk about it. I think you should be thankful for this. She's put the affair away; it's not a part of her current life with you, which I'm sure is what you both want. Take a cue from this and move forward with her and your marriage all together. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I'm sure the affair was very real to you, but keep in mind that once you put a name w it, it seems all the more real, and it will stir up your pain. What possible good will it do? A lot of time has passed and it's time to let it go. If you have forgiven her then put it behind you.
And no, you're not wrong, you're human, I just believe it will only cause you more upset. Better to leave him as a nameless faceless person.

Answer 4

If you love your wife then it is best to leave the past in the past. Knowing the sordid details is not going to help matters. It will just make all the feelings resurface. It seems to me that if after 6 years and you still can't get over it you should probably move on and find someone you can have a relationship with built on honesty and trust.

Answer 5

I think it could only do damage. If you forgave or whatever it was that made you stay together then let it go. I am not condoning what happened. If she did tell you what purpose would it serve. do you plan to confront the guy? Beat him up? I know this must be driving you crazy but if your marriage was worth saving then its probably worth it to not know. Unless youre willing to open up a can of worms which will do more damage than good I would let it go and I know its easy to stand on the sidelines and give advice without having been in your shoes, but I doubt she will ever tell you. I also know that this is tough for us guys as it would be for women

Answer 6

the more u know the more u will hurt. yes it is wrong to want to know all the detail and the name. u stayed together, forgave, and now want to know after 6 years, think u have other issues going on and maybe just want to find reasons to leave her. it is never good to rehash the past, unless u want to create problems that have already been over with.

Answer 7

You should not ask your wife about the other man. Afterall, the past is in the past. Leave it there. Be glad that your marriage was able to survive and you were able to stay together. Alot of couples would not stay together after an affair. I know that mine wouldn't.

Answer 8

Heh! Have you seen running water under the bridge?

If you happen to drop any of your precious personal thing into the running water while standing on a bridge; what could have happen to it. Do you expect to jump into the water and try to retrieve it? Even if you did; what could have happen? And if you're most fortunate as to retrieve it from the running water; can you assure your own personal safety by swimming in strong currents?

Hence, I think it's BEST TO LET IT BE and start afresh with a renewed life of a new beginning tomorrow. Time and tide waits for no man. Why waste constructive time on fallen past?

Tomorrow surely will be a better day!!!.

Answer 9

You're not wrong. However, really ask yourself--Knowing his name, how does this impact your marriage in a positive way? You may need the support of a marriage counselor to assist you both, if you choose to persist with this. It can be destructive. Does it really matter after all this time? Is it impacting your marriage negatively? If not, close this chapter. If so, seek a marriage counselor to assist you with finding out this information and how to process it. Good Luck to you and your wife.

Answer 10

You have left this alone for 6 years and now you want to reopen the wounds. If you think she is going to feel any differently now about telling you who it was, she will not. I think you had better leave well enough alone if you want to stay married to her. If you cannot get past not knowing, go to counseling and find out how to cope so your marriage will not be affected.

Answer 11

If you forgave her 6 yr ago and she has been true to you. the details of the affair shouldn't mater.All your going to do is open old wounds and if you can't stand not knowing, then you never really forgave her in the first place.