How come people don't negotiate before marriage or renegotiate after marriage?

Question

Buying a car, house, or applying for a job. These are all "commitments" But usally are never for life. Yet people are smart enough to negotiate or haggle the hell out of the salesman to get the best deal possible.

However, when people make the ultimate commitment in marriage, do they get stupid and get screwed out of thier whole life? Is this what love does to you? Keeps your logical mind from functioning correctly?

Thanks for the idea Blaze F

Answer 1

You nailed it!

Answer 2

The difference is that all of those "commitments" you mentioned are more of a financial investment and the emotional investment is minimal compared to with a marriage. With a marriage its the other way around--you are far more emotionally involved than financially and we all know that logic and emotion rarely work well together.

Couple that with the fact that most of us put our "best face forward" during the courtship and then once we move in together its a whole nother ball game! But by the time we figure out that there are some very real issues with this person we now call spouse we are too emotionally involved to jump ship. The "buyers remorse" with the higher emotional price tag than those other financial commitments is far greater than if we got a lemon of a car or a money pit house and we can get a new job if its not what they promised us in the beginning. Emotional attachment and fear of failing emotionally keeps most of us in our relationships way too long......but on the up side.....

We are all what I call "trainable". I mean, human nature is to treat people how they treat you....if someone says hi in an upbeat tone of voice, we usually answer in an upbeat tone of voice, right? Well, studies have shown that when we go back to treating our mate with the same level of respect and admiration as we did in the beginning of the relationship, they tend to respond in kind. Leave the love notes in the car or lunchbox or briefcase....call to say I was thinking of you--even if you know you'll get voicemail....turn the tv off and talk---not about bills or kids or anything like that, though, reminiscing about how you met/first date/remember when... is a great way to start and may lead to an intimate moment!!! Just try to remember what it is about your mate that attracted you in the first place and what now keeps you there.....is he a good provider for the family....does she take awesome care of the kids even while working a full time job...those kinds of things go a long way toward helping you stay connected to your mate.

The oprah.com website has some fantastic articles on this subject. Check it out.

Answer 3

I think when you first fall in love and marry, that there is so much going on in getting to know each other and all that most of us don't tend to stop and think about being in it for the long haul. I mean it's all there in the vows, but saying it and doing it can be two different things (as is proved with the high divorce rate). Learning to negotiate is the give and take aspect of the marriage, and when it's done properly, the marriage succeeds. But, yes, I do believe the emotional aspect rules our decision making, thus, setting this commitment apart from other types.

Answer 4

Definitely!
Love is a totally emotional response. Negotiations are based on logic not emotions - If you try to manage both at the same time, you end up hating each other without knowing why. It's been proven.

A woman marrying a rich guy...the rich guys wants her to sign a pre-nuptial contract that says she won't get any money if she divorces him..this happens all the time today.
What is the woman's reaction? emotional, of course "The guy doesn't love me. If he loved me, he wouldn't ask me to do this."

Problem is that the man/woman who asks this is usually pushed by a big fat lawyer from behind and doesn't realize the emotional damage he's causing.
Interestingly, when it's the guy at the other hand (being asked to sign the pre-nuptial) his reaction is much more business-like and much less emotional: "What do you mean, you won't share the money if we get divorced!" In another words, no words of love, just money.

Of course, needless to say that the whole pre-nuptial business was invented by men to control women...that they might want to get rid of eventually (so says their lawyer).

Feminists to the rescue!

Answer 5

You can "buy" a house, car or "apply" for a job. You can not "buy" or "apply" for a marriage. You do consider lots of factors before you decide to marry. Like the nature of your partner, their looks, do both of you get along or not?, but above all marriage is the commitment made out of love, and love is a very strong emotion. You can calculate all the pros & cons about your marriage, but love fades all the negatives...GuruBhai

Answer 6

Umm... that's why you need to go slowly. So your emotions have a chance to synch back up with your rational mind.

It also helps if you know what you are looking for when that starts to happen (pretty much like you look for certain features in a new car), and it's all about character and attitude. It's hard as heck, at first, to hold yourself to these standards, but it's harder to deal with what happens if you sell yourself a bill of good and wind up picking pieces of your heart from the pavement over and over.

You have to toughen up a bit. In the words of Pat Benetar, "Love is a battlefield".

Answer 7

Because women since they were girls were brought up to believe in the fairtale.....and to muck that up with logical thinking just won't work for them.....

Meanwhile.....men know all too well that to bring logic in to a relationship (e.g. a pre-nup) might verywell upset the applecart, and women won't give them the very thing they want.....sex.

Relationships need to be looked at like any business partnership. You'd never go in to business without a business plan, and a partnership agreement.....why would you go in to a marriage without one??

Answer 8

when you are in love, you follow your heart. sometimes it is wrong, sometimes it is right. and all too much, people get married for the wrong reasons. or they don't see it as a commitment (oh, i can always get divorced if it doesn't work out...). which i think is ridiculous. even if you get divorced, it's not like you were never married. that stays with you your whole life.

Answer 9

Because we are human and fickle we all have the right to change our minds that's the beauty of being free minded and spirited we all live and learn from one another good or bad it like in full circle.

Answer 10

i am not sure what it is but you are correct in something we dont pay mucho attencionwho we pick for husband or wife currently my husband took his clothes and he is gone after 10 years i have 4 kids i hope some one will answer you question because i really want to know