How do i make my son realize that he cannot treat me like dirt just because he is now an adult and married?

Question

My husband and i divorced when my son was 2 yrs old. He lived with me until 1 month before he turned 13 yrs old. Then out of the blue, he called me a work and told me he called his dad, who he was not getting along with, and he said he was going to go live with his dad.

over time he joined the army. wehen he needed anything, money, morale support etc, he called me.

after he left the army, he moved back to our state but i am in southern and he is in the northern part of the state where his dad lives.

he got married and lives close to his dad.

after he left at 13 he began treating me like dirt. no respect for me as his mother unless he NEEDS something.

now he is coming to the area where i live and says he wants to see my family but won't make a commitment as to which day or nite. like i don't have a life.

how do i get my son to treat me with respect. i am so hurt that i have been regreting i had a child. Most times i don't feel like i have a Son

HELP

Answer 1

your son is trekking inside his mouth...and soon the dirt he is saying will form a cavity on his teeth...which he will fall into his perish
and his awakening begins..and ends in a dark nest in which only that he could hear is shivering of his teeth

so dont worry nature has its ways just like its cycle

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return
ashes to ashes dust to dust...."

but i could be wrong if i got you wrong

Answer 2

There's a bible verse that says" Train up a child in the way he should go, so that he will not depart from it when he is old". Make a self-evaluation..
During those times, were you able to train your son as you should, with love and respect?
If your answer is yes, I could only think that the possible reason he behave in such a way was because of outside influence like hanging around with the wrong crowd .or possibly he is in drugs.
In every circumstances, there will always be a cause -and-effect. If you can figure out the root cause of the problem, then most likely you are on your way to the right answer to your question.

Answer 3

This is a hard call to make because we are talking about feelings, and feelings are complicated. We don't know anything about the dad. Has he put you in an improper light to your son etc.? Your own guilt and feelings about his leaving and probably about the 'way' he left has got to have left its mark on your heart. That being said, Dr Phil says that you 'teach people how to treat you'. I believe that to a certain extent. I think that you have to start now, doing what you should have been doing all along. With love, and calmly,you tell him that you would appreciate a firm day of his arrival otherwise you will not guarentee that you will be available to see him. You will NOT give him things. You will be an emotional support for him, a listening ear, but not a bank. (You won't be saying these things, but you will say it to yourself!) Life is all about choices...good ones reap good rewards and bad ones reap the consequences of those choices. You might want to remind him of that should you ever have a heart to heart with your son, which is probably what you should have..sharing your own feelings of regret and sadness about the marriage, the life, his life, his dad, etc.,etc.,etc., BUT, you have rebuilt your life, and though you want to share your life with him, it will be with the respect that you deserve. Period. He can express himself to you without you getting upset and having time later to digest everything and decide if the relationship is one you want to have continue and under what perimeters. Set your limits, your bounds. Get it all out in the open and then let's hope it all turns out well. My heart goes out to you. Good luck.

Answer 4

As much as you love him, you have to lay down the laws of respect. It may hurt but it will do both of you more damage if it continues.

The other piece is to make it clear that you know he has issues with you and you are willing to listen. He probably feels he was victimized in your divorce and needs to explain why. if you tell him you're aware there might be unresolved issues and you apologize for any thing that might have hurt him, it may heal old wounds.

During all of this you have the right to expect respect and should model the behavior you expect from him. Explain it all from your eyes if he'll listen.

Unfortunately in the end its up to him to choose to forgive and to see his mother as a person. if he is too broken to do this then I suggest you consider moving closer to him, which probably should have happened when he moved in with his dad. As his mom you let him get too far way physically and it was your responsibility to find a way to be closer geographically long before this.

Its not too late but its going to be hard. You have to decide if its important enough to you to make the geographic move to heal with him and then leave the door open as long as he can respect your life too. I'd start planning the move, even if it takes a few years to do it. if you're telling yourself that is too hard or too much to ask then forget it because he isn't your priority. truthfully, he wasn't your priority if you stayed put when he moved away at 13.

he got really hurt somewhere along the line and its your job to figure it out while still showing him how an adult handles past mistakes. Good luck and love to you. I really hope you can find each other again. I know how much it hurts and its so hard to face our mistakes.

Answer 5

there might be some underlying emotions left from the divorce and it seems hangin' with daddy-o is poisening his feelings towards you. Next time he wants something....... don't give it to him, unless he discusses with you the reason he treats you like a red-headed step child. As far as him coming to the area- but not letting you know when he'll stop in- is just downright rude... is he learning this bad behavior from the ex? Everybody should be given the common courtesy of an advanced notice- i don't care who you are. Obviously your very much attached to your son- and want to see him more often... but i wouldn't want to be treated in that fashion from even a stranger. Cut the purse strings and get on with your own life and try to put his attitude behind you-'cause with a son like that.... who needs enemies!

Answer 6

I think that you are still holding a grudge against your son for him moving out and moving with his dad. Until you have learned to forgive him, then you can move on with your life. If during those years being away from you, that he has not once apologized for his behavior, not sure how he disrespected you, you didn't say here, don't expect an apology from him unless he has changed and is willing to do so.

He has to come to you to want to apologize for the way he's treated you. You can't make him change, he has to do it himself. Don't make a big scene when he comes to visit. He is an adult married man and I am sure he knows what he has to do. You just be his mom as always, polite, kind, and welcome him home!

Never regret for having a son, you have a son who was willing to grow up and fight for his country, you should be proud of him! You have a son, he just needs to learn to respect once again. So let him.

Answer 7

The only thing that jumped out at me from reading your question was a lot of anger and hostility directed at your exhusband, and also your son for "chosing" his dad over you. It might be time to consider the fact that you drove your child away from you with this pent up frustration.

Stop "giving" him things, he'll stop calling for them.
I don't know what kind of mother would even say she regrets having a child....it sounds like since you can't control him anymore, that you're upset about that......

I think you're the problem here. Time to get some counseling.

Answer 8

I am sorry to hear this sadness,Talk to your son and ask him what is his problem in regards to you. Or better write him a letter like this one ,it is very touching..I sense a hatred and anger from your son.I hope I am wrong that he might be getting a signal that you regret him as your child and you said you don't feel like you have a son. If I were you I will Accept him as my loving child,what ever his attitude is and love him unconditionaly.Did you have a loving relationship with him when he was growing up?

Answer 9

Caller I.D., and don't answer for awhile when he calls, get rid of the answering machine, change your cell phone number. Do this for about 6 months, and he will stop taking you fro granted. Oh and don't ask so many question about his life, he feels that you are intruding, this will never change. Don't be a mother be a Mom.

Answer 10

Sit down with his dad and have a heart-to-heart pow-wow.

Your ex needs to be aware of the situation and needs to step in and talk with the boy and make it very clear that his behavior is unacceptable. Your son is angry about the divorce and is punishing you for it and he needs to forgive you and stop with the disrespectful treatment.

Your son needs to realize that after he has kids, he will begin to understand a little of the situation between you and the ex and needs to realize that history can repeat itself, and his kids can hate and mistreat him. But for now, he will not see it.

So, with the aid of your ex, perhaps the boy will back off and perhaps even apologize to you (but that is unlikely, since it would become an issue of pride). Pray on it and stand up to the boy if he continues with this behavior that is addressed in one of the primary commandments from God.

Your ex probably helped to contribute to your son's attitude, so your ex needs to step in and fix what he helped start. Sometimes, it takes a man to make a man straighten up.

Ex: The bull elephants removed from the juveniles.
Result: The juvenile elephants went on killing rampages.
Solved: They brought back the bull elephants, who stepped in and got the juveniles to do proper behavior again.

Sometimes, its just nature. Good luck!

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