been married just under a year, we were living together for 4 years before that. i find myself feeling disinterested in my wife. i see her more as a friend. i have no real reason behind this...we don't argue, we both have separate lives, theres no abuse. she thinks everything is fine. but i feel like i have fallen out of love with her. i find myself thinking of other women and just craving freedom and being single. i don't tell people i meet i'm even married. i'm embarrassed to go out with her, i act different with her. i knew right before the wedding i shouldn't get married but i felt pressured by her and family to get married. i have been unfaithful although she doesn't know it. i know thats awful, i make no excuses. i stopped all that behavior but i can't help feel like she doesn't deserve me and i need to move on. whats the best way to deal with this? should i just cut the cord and suggest separation or what? i'm almost certain a separation will end in divorce.
2007-02-21 12:43:42 · 10 answers · asked by ray j 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to re-connect and find the things that first brought you together. Maybe make a list of things you did when you were first married. Have you stopped doing those things?
Check on marriage encounter which is offered in many communities to help married couples find their love again.
Divorce is not easy (been there), and putting some closeness back into your life is possible. Give it a try.
2007-02-21 12:49:33 · answer #1 · answered by Ginger/Virginia 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I was "The Other Woman" in a very unhappy marriage and he got married for the same reason you did, pressure. He didn't want to admit at 24 he made a mistake and lust and love aren't the same thing. Unfortunately he cheated with 3 different women, me being the last. He drank and took a xanax, anything to take his mind off her, when we weren't together, but she was a bigger mess if you can believe it. They had 4 kids, he finally told her after 2 1/2 yrs with me and in the end he got custody of the kids, but "we" got lost. One year after leaving her, he left me, kinda, for a woman his sister offered to set him up with. Yea, yea, to all of you, once a cheater then always a cheater, preconcieved notions. He and I are still friends even though he is living with his new girlfriend and I just finished IMing with him, go figure.
I guess you need to ask yourself, do you want to waste 23 yrs like he did, or be honest with her and tell her how you feel. If you think you might have a chance, then by all means try, but if your miserable, and she doesn't know, something is wrong right there. Ask yourself, why doesn't she see I'm not happy?
If you talk to her about your feelings, may I suggest you not mention your indescrition with the affair, that is going to make things worse. I truely think you need someone to talk to before you act, do you have a sibling, trusted friend (althought that's how he got caught with the 2nd one, be careful who you tell) or how about a therapist, or a religious leader? I'm not religious so I can't really help there, but seriously talk to someone, anyone, even if it's just faceless people on the net. Wish I could e-mail with you, but every religious zealot will clog my inbox with hate mail, gotta love the net.
It's a terrible situation, either way someone will get hurt, and that just sucks, I know, I still love him. Your not a terrible person and neither am I regardless of all the other answers you'll get.
We are human, and we make mistakes, just be fair with her, she deserves that much if you ever cared about her.
OK I'll get the cross for those of you that will crucify me, you bring the nails.
2007-02-21 21:47:20 · answer #2 · answered by sheermadness40 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hate to say it but get out now before you waste any more time with someone you are not sure that you love AND before you bring any kids into the marriage...I am coming out of a marriage of over 20 yrs and probably should have left at least 15 years ago...if you are being unfaithful then you need to just let her go- in the end it will be the best thing for both of you. She deserves better than having someone who is cheating on her - you could bring home any number of diseases and you could get another woman pregnant. Just be honest with her --tell her the truth and own up to what you have done.
2007-02-21 20:53:25 · answer #3 · answered by buckeye chick 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm sorry for you and your wife in this situation; but the first thing you need to realize is that "falling out of love and being attracted to another person is 'normal'. Being 'in love' as in when dating, is only a temporary phase in all relationships. Marriage is a long term commitment which grows gradually; it's never perfect, it takes work, communication and trust and respect. If you have already been unfaithful, it would be very hard to change what you feel right now. You say you stopped all that behavior, which tells me that you want to make an effort -- you feel guilty. Tell her how you feel and agree to go to a Marriage Counslor; this will let her know you are making an effort to improve things. I know one thing for sure. -- hurting someone you love -- and, by the way, you still do -- is as painful as being hurt by someone you love...good luck. -- you need to give your marriage time to grow.
2007-02-24 15:04:17 · answer #4 · answered by Judie B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well Ray J. Your relationship sounds like my relationship except my husband would be you. I think that you and your wife just need to talk and let eachother know how you feel. I always ask my husband why does he not want to ge anywhere with me and he never introduces me as his wife. The bad thing is you have already cheated on her so your going to have to be man enough to tell her. And depending she may or may not want to work things out. Depending on how long this has been going on she may feel the same way you feel. There is so much I can say I just dont feel like typing it all. But if you want to hear more of what I know, let me know.
2007-02-21 21:19:54 · answer #5 · answered by Life 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hey, at least you're honest.
You have to do what's right for you. Before I tell any married couple to split I always say, try EVERYTHING to fix it before you leave. That way, if it still doesn't work, you can both say you tried.
Edit: I wanted to add, once I was dating a guy and instead of stop calling me or being distant or a jerk, he came out and told me it wasn't working for him and was real on-the-level with me. I've had a tremendous amount of respect for him since then. Don't sugar coat it, don't blame, just, be direct with your wife. She deserves it.
2007-02-21 20:52:51 · answer #6 · answered by Ade 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes tell her the way you are feeling and what you have done. It is not fair to her to be in a relationship like this. She might be feeling the same way and just don't want to say it either. unless someone speaks up it will only get worse and keep dragging on as it has. Just keep it real and say something to her.
2007-02-21 20:48:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
A real relationship is built on friendship anyway. You made it 4 years as a "friend" but can't make it as a husband? Sounds like it's just a mental thing like the word "marriage" changed something. Be honest with yourself about what's really going on with your feelings and then be honest with her.
2007-02-21 20:54:20 · answer #8 · answered by QuEEn B 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Cut the cord and suggest a separation. Feeling the way you do, you are not doing yourself (or her, for that matter) any favors in continuing with this charade. Best of luck to you.
2007-02-21 20:50:00 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
be sensitive but tell her how you feel and then ask her how she feels?
2007-02-21 20:47:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋