what do you think of my sonnet?

Question

Your beauty shines just like a star so bright
On a mountain beneath a bright warm sky
Or the moon glowing in the lightless night
I sit by the tree as the night goes by

Someone near yet so far in my dreams abides
The one I now dream of and yearn so much
I wait and put my emotions aside
The day when we meet at last do I touch

There are many ways I can say love you
The only way to show you is with love
And you can say our love is highly new
As I wait and look at the stars above

My hearts deep desire at last have I found
My longing fulfilled’my love has no bound

Answer 1

You seem like you are trying too hard to write something beautiful and it is making the poem lose flow. For example, "Your beauty shines just like a star so bright on a mountain beneath a bright warm sky." It seems like you are just keep adding parts, trying to somehow force beauty into the situation. I half expected it to continue "... beneath a bright warm sky late in the month of May while flowers are blooming in the fields below and crickets chirp their never-ending song while hiding beneath a fallen tree in the middle of a farmer's small grove that once held laughing children playing long into dusk but now holds only the memories of those happy times."
Ok, I exagerate.
Also, in your quest for beatiful words, the actual words lost meaning. Again, I'm using the first two lines as an example. "...shines like a star so bright," is a little cliche, but by itself is not all that bad. But, it becomes muddled when you throw in "on a mountain beneath a bright warm sky." Wait a second... I thought it was night, how can the star shine brightly in a sky that is bright itself?
Continuity, first stanza, you are comparing her beauty to things for three lines and then ,BAM! You are sitting by the tree.

If you want me to keep going, I can. My basic suggestion would be to stop trying to write pretty and just write.

I like the last two lines though. They sound good together.
Keep trying, it will come.

Answer 2

I'm not sure I like it. but I always applaud anyone that is bold enough to write and share, so first: thanks for sharing!

Now, the beauty shining like a star thing is a little overdone for my personal taste. and some of the rhymings are a bit off, not in the endrhyme but in the way the sentences sound when you read them. e.g., compare the long sentence ending in 'abides' and the short one ending in 'aside'. the wording is awkward sometimes (e.g. 'highly new') and a bit repititive ('stars above' instead of just 'stars'/ 'just like' instead of 'like'/ 'the one i now dream of' instead of 'the one i dream of'). all in all, it's clear where you're heading and I like what you're saying but it just sounds a bit much like trying to fit it into a sonnet rather than it coming naturally. when you write, try not to think you're writing a poem. that's just my take on it, but keep writing.

Answer 3

I think it is "deeply" profoundly beautiful!

Don´t mess it up. Love is so precious!

Answer 4

Yes it is ok. some mire love sick tales but I guess that is what people like.

Answer 5

It sounds like you're homesick.... Or maybe I am!0!

Answer 6

nice

Answer 7

I LOVE YOUR WRITING...KEEP IT UP AND POST MORE!!!