My husband doesn't give me the kind of love and affection I need?

Question

My husband is very good to me. He's also very caring. However, he doesn't have that "je ne sais quoi" that makes me want to jump into bed with him at a moments notice. He's not very physically affectionate and he doesn't know how to seduce me. He likes sex but it's mostly me who seduces him. He says he is afraid of getting rejected so he waits for me to make the first move, but I miss being seduced! We used to lie down together cuddling and then sex would automatically happen, but now he spends most of his time on the computer or watching TV. I'v tried to talk to him and he gets more affectionate for about 2-3 days but then always falls back into his old pattern. We're content but I'm not as happy as I'd like to be with him. I guess this is just the way it's going to be. How can I get used to this? Is this how all married couples are? We very rarely argue but we don't have exciting sex either. I miss the affection he used to give me.

I wish people weren't so quick to say "Just divorce him!" These are probably the same people who ask "Why do so many couples divorce?". I don't agree with leaving someone because they don't make you 100% happy. NO ONE will. Marriage is about commitment, for better or for worse. He didn't break his vows, so I'm not going to break mine. Why would someone suggest leaving your husband to find someone else? The most important thing is to work on your relationship.

Answer 1

You know, i'm 24 and my husband is 29 and the same thing is happening to us. He's great most of the time he just lacks romance and seduction. I told him he gets no more booty until I have some romance. Buy the candles and sit them next to some matches, cut him off, stock the fridge with strawberries... he'll get the point after his hand gets boring. :-)

Answer 2

Well, I'm going to give you my opinion because I'm on the flip side. Then, you may see the reasoning. You say you have to seduce him. Let me ask you this? When you have sex, is it the same thing all the time? Same position? Same motions, etc.? There is a possibility that he's bored with the sex. Not sex in escence, persay, but the route you two take to having sex. Maybe there's no "excitement" in sex anymore. Maybe there's no fire. Maybe there's no intrigue. I don't know.
Sure, he still wants to have sex, but doesn't want to do the same mundane thing again.
Has he ever tried something unique in the past and you didn't like it? There's a possibility that he just doesn't want to make the first move because of the chance of rejection.
When you talk to him about it, you say it's good for a few days. Maybe in his mind he's thinking it'll get better. Then, after a few times, he maybe sees it's back to the same ol thing.
Now, on the other hand, away from the act of sex subject. There maybe a chance that he escapes to the computer or TV because there's just not enough excitement in the relationship. Let me ask you this? Sure you have sex. But do you have other means of affection? Kissing, cuddling, just general touching? Here's what I may see. Maybe you guys don't do much anymore. Not many dates. Not many times you cuddle on the couch to watch TV, or whatever. The only times you guys get intimate is "sex time". There's so much more to a "physical" relationship than just sex. Some people love the cuddling, the holding, or just the kissing. Some people love the sex part.
There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with your overall relationship. He loves you and cares for you. That's the most important thing. But maybe sex just isn't as great anymore.
Look, you have needs and so does he. Men get urges to have sex. And maybe even though he may not like the sex you're having, he'll still do it to satisfy his needs. However, that shows me why he doesn't make the first move.
Try to make the sex part more fun. Experiment things you two can do together. For example, try a bubble bath for yourselves. This may or may not lead to sex, but it sure will make the intimate part your relationship back to spark.
Look for signs. If you see him kind of "horny". Go for it. Get him at his peak. He'll probably seduce you fully. However, the times you see him a little "off", leave him be.
Now, if you see him with "off" periods more than "on" periods, then there's a sense of concern.
You said it yourself..."old pattern". It may appear your physical relationship is mundane.
I'm a married man and we don't sex that much anymore. And I'm the one making the first move. And I'm the one who always tries to "satisfy" the other person. But yet, I'm also the one who tends to sit at the computer or TV.
Marriage does put some sort of a strain on sexual relationships. It's like when you were underage. Drinking alcohol was fun because it was "dangerous". Then, when I turned 21, drinking wasn't as "fun" as it used to be. Because I was able to do whenever I wanted.
Same thing here. Younger, sex was exciting and dangerous because I was not married. But now, sex is nothing big and expected with a married couple. Once sex was to fufill an urge or feeling. Now, sex is for trying to conceive a baby. It takes a new meaning. However, it doesn't have to be that way. It comes down to the partners and how important and fun they want to make it.
You already know what makes him "squirm" and he should know what satisfies you. Now act on them and maybe throw in some exciting things to do with it. For example, if he likes a Bjob (and which man doesn't). Now, try it with food. Or oils. The act is still there, but you're throwing some excitement with different things.
Good luck. I know it can be a little distressing, but don't quit.

Answer 3

"je ne sais quoi" means I don't know what, so it's odd to use that in your description, sorry that just stood out. I believe persistance is the key to this one. I would lay out for him, and make these needs clear. So my question is, if you didn't come on to him you wouldn't have sex? That's terrible. If he needs a calendar, or something to remind him to do something affectionate every day, then so be it. Create a plan, and see what he could ease into to make it better for the both of you. What are the chances you will reject him anyway? I hope he understands that, and it's very big of you to be able to make the first move all the time. I don't feel like you have to be content with the lack of affection, I would go out of my mind. He seriously needs to step it up, and you really need to make an impression on him about the seriousness of this matter.

Answer 4

I know where you are coming from. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and togather for 6. I went down the pattern for about year and half. It was very hard for us. He was never in the mood and I was always getting turned down by him. It made me feel that I wasn't good enough for him. Lets just say one night of hard partying it all change. My husband turned into a different man. The crazy thing is it was God. I had been praying for my husband and I to reconnect on that high level. The next day was different I notice changes in his mood. He was more interested in me. Touching, kissing , and flirting with me in public. All I said was Thank you God for answering my prayers. I look at us know and wouldn't even think we were there 2 years ago.Our life all around now is more than great.

I did read this book and I want to recommend it the Title is The Joy of Marriage God's Way,By Beverly Lahaye. The book was very helpful for me to understand my husband and his needs.It made him understand mine in a delightful but joyous way.

Answer 5

You can do one of three things: 1. do nothing and accept things the way they are. 2. make a change, try something you haven't tried to get him attracted to you the way he used to be. 3. wait for him to change his mind about his sex life. If you decide to do nothing then be at peace. If you make a change, do it right, don't do something to make him jealous, that would produce an undesired effect. If you wait until he decides, you might wait a long time. Are you a couple of faith? If so, ask your peers what your faith says. Christians have the Bible to turn to for definite answers to how a man and women treat each other in marriage.

Answer 6

Some guys are totally oblivoious of the whole romance thing after we're married. I love a gamer, who plays at all hours of the night, and my only requirement is that I get some. It's hard with some men to get them into the mindframe that we need to be f**cked. I love my man and don't want to be with anyonee elso, but come on! Some times we need dirty. Spice things up with a surprise outfit or blow j (can i say that here?) Sometimes that's all you need.

Answer 7

If you are both willing to work together to make things better then I have a book for the 2 of you to read together. It is called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It was very helpful for my husband and I when we were going through a similar situation in our marriage. It outlines each of your needs for yourself and your spouse to be aware of, and suggestions for helping meet those needs. You shouldn't have to get used to how your marriage has become. With a little bit of work from both you and your husband, your marriage can be what it was and maybe better than it has ever been.

Answer 8

I say you tell him all this personally in a nive way. We men tend to get offended, you know. try to tell him in a sensitive way. And I'm sure he will listen. Maybe you can heklp him hhow to seduce you. Teach him, girl. No shame in that. You both can watch adult films and maybe that can inspire your man to heat you up. I encourage for you both to see Real Sex. It's a series where they talk about intimacy, how to get the spark back, etc., anything that will help you both to start a wild, exotic, sex. I wish you both the best. Good Luck!

Answer 9

I do understand you just tell him that you miss what you said insist on it emphasize underline the fact that it is important for you to be seduced you miss that tell him that a husband & wife have rights & duties & that you are doing his part he is not (sexually speaking) best of luck my dear wish you all the best

Answer 10

First of all, thank God that you rarely argue a lot. Do you know how many people would love to be able to say that? Tell him (Softly and tenderly in your private moments) exactly how you feel (yes, once may not be enough.) You may be surprised at the results. Go ahead...Try it. :-)