how can you keep hold of a relashionship with someone you love, when you have very low self worth?

Question

im 29. been through alot in my life. alot of pain and trauma. i struggle on with mental health problems that are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed right now. i await a second opinion. i look inthe mirror all the time and get upet, my face is ageing, with lines, bumps, open pores. i dont have that fresh face 18 year old look i once had. i have two bottom teeth missing at the front. i feel i look ugly. i live in a small flat with no possessions, except a computer and a few dvds, a small tv..no carpets on my floor...im on sickness benifit because i cant work right now. ive never worked. because ive been battling with this or so long. since 16. i have terrible low self esteem bout myself, and who iam, my identity. i was bullied throughout high school, and could never mix and never formed any friendships or relashionships. ive had a computer for two years now, and back then i met a girl in wares chat and have been speaking to her on msn since. i feel ive established a relashionship with her

shes 20 and lives in canada, ive seen her on cam, shes seen me, i really love her and have strong feelings for her, she said the same to me, and wants to come to move to england next year to be with me, she even excepts engagement to me...but with everything that i struggle with i wonder how im gonna keep her? im worried ill lose her if she sees everything im coping with and my circumstances. it would destroy me if she left me. my mum said to me thats just being weak, and ive got to be stronger than that, if she doesnt except me for what iam, then shes not worth it. but i cant see it like that..i love her, no ones ever showed this attension to me or love, other than my immediate family, and im terrified of her leaving me..what should i do again?

Answer 1

you need to take care of yourself first. In my opinion, this or any other relationship (for that matter) will fail if you do not try to solve these low self-esteem & mental heath issues before. You may want to see a counselor (if you are not already) or change to another if you feel you are not making any progress with the present one. If this is not possible or you haven't found anyone to your liking, do research. You say you are on sickleave benefit. Make the best of it. Neuroscience has made giant steps and new techniques have emerged (especially dealing with PTSD and trauma effects). Force yourself (I know how tuff it can be) to do some physical exercise, yoga, anything...Start meeting people, in your neighborhood, in forums, in your city, activities, try not to stay alone all the time... No one has to live with trauma and pain all their life. You do have choices. You simply don't know that yet. You need someone you can count on, a professional to help you see who you are and quiet this voice in your head keeping you from being happy/living life.

Also, you have never met this girl. maybe she is cool, maybe not. Remember, your life does not depend on what she may think, feel about you. Use this "cyberspace friendship" as an incentive to seek help and solve your problems. Have you ever considered telling her the truth? yes plain and simple. Things can only go for the worst if you keep your secret to yourself too long. You will not heal in a week or 2. as you know. it takes time. she will eventually find out. and the longer you wait, the more disastrous it will be to her but to you especially. don't put yourself in a dangerous emotional situation. you need strong support and kindness. after you told her, she may decide to say goodbye or maybe not. If it works out with her great. If not, there will be other opportunities, more and more as you develop your self-esteem. If she is the "one", she will accept all of you (weaknesses included). courage and best of luck

Answer 2

Hey matey, it's really not so bad. No. Really!

1st thing. People (like yourself) who are depressed get over attached to people, and attachment isn't love. Love is the desire for someone else's happiness - it's not about you. Attachment is the desire to be close and to own/hold that thing/person/object for selfish reasons, for your own pleasure. Attachment leads to negative emotions (jealousy, anger, bitterness) and so leads to negative effects.

Love, on the other hand, leads to good things. Being kind to someone - without needing something in return - brings affectionate love. Kindness to others will also bring kindness towards yourself.

Remember, causes and effects are linked and similar. Be kind, and you will get back what you want - kindness and love.

Don't forget too, that you've had a tough time, so you need to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break, don't be so negative. I'm not telling you off, I'm saying *don't be so negative*. It's an action, you are in control, and you can stop it. Your suffering will bring you depth, and if you face up to it there is nothing that can defeat you, even being left alone. Look at the suffering of others and help them out of it.

Isn't that what you would want? Believe you can help, because you really can. You've been there. Don't forget who you *really* are (more than a mirror or a bully can ever tell you).

I believe in you. So must you, it begins now. Good luck my friend.

Answer 3

You know what? Most people would answer saying that you should be stronger, that you need to deal with it, buck up, be a man and get over it. I know how you feel, I can completely relate to you what you're saying...It's ALRIGHT to feel justified in how you feel, after all, those are your feelings and who's to say they're wrong. Do you have a counselor? Someone you can trust who doesn't always have advice but more of an ear? Somone who doesn't make you feel crazy? Talk about how you feel. Maybe you NEED to get a job, maybe the routine and responsibility would give you a feeling of self worth. Maybe you can save some money to get your teeth fixed and start thinking about ways to make yourself look the way you want so that you can feel good again. It's hard to hear but the only you're going to be happy is if you address the things that keep you unhappy, but I know they feel overwhelming and you give up before you've even begun...Hang in there, start small and work up...But you HAVE to start somewhere. You can't go through life doing the same thing expecting different results...Good luck!

Answer 4

I read all of your question and it appears to me that you suffer from depression, you need to see your Physician, if you are on medication they need to change it or adjust the dose asap. You are God's child, we all are, God loves you very much. Remember God can help you in your struggle. You can read the Bible on line, you will find many answers to your questions there.
If your family gives you negative input, you must ignore that. I hope your family will be positive, so you can become positive about your life. Remember as long as there is a tomorrow, there is always hope for the future. Good Luck.

Answer 5

you need to Write down y our goals and find out what you really want in life!
do some soul searching first
coping.org will help withthat!
if youdon't love yourself don't expect anyone else to love you either! i know that's a little harsh but it's the truth!
and remember attaraction if you think your not worth then you will attract more stuff that isn't worth.. if you think good things good things will start to show
case in point!
I hate tailgaters even when they are not tailgatting me...
so when i focus on them i tend to see even more of it!
if i just notice one jerk on the road and he tail gated someone and i go back to jamming out in my car and forget i even seen it chance are i won't see it agian on my way.. but if would of ranted on it i would see it at least 5 more times!!!
laws off attraction!
:)
Be happy! it is a choice! i didn't beleive that for a while but it is! "

Answer 6

you have to get out in the real world. YO do't know who this girl is and you don't want to get an internet addiction. if she can met you face to face good. maybe she can help.