If she were your girlfriend, what would you do?

Question

I'm a clean cut, innocent, sheltered college student. I grew up in a good home and I haven't known any hardship other than the divorce of my parents. After many years of attempts at dating, I finally have a girlfriend. I've been with her a little over a month, but she has problems. Every little detail about her past or about her current situation has built up overtime, with her revealing more about herself as we've gone out. She has a dark past. She was sexually harrassed at a young age in school and now cuts herself because of it. She's told me she's had several suicide attempts in the past. Her ex, whom she was with for a year, used to hit her and he got her pregnant and forced her to have an abortion. My parents don't approve, but they don't know about her past. They just think she's not good enough for me. She went to a trade school and I'm at a top university. She also weighs about 100 lbs more than I do. Please put yourself in my position. I will add more details...

Her ex also put her $6,000 in debt. She's now living back home, trying to become a paramedic. Because of the abortion, she has to take medication to regulate her periods, ensuring she gets them to avoid cancer and to avoid becomeing sterile. She's taking anti-depressants and she told me she still has some feelings for her ex, who actually came by her house while she was alone and hit her before she could force him out. She had to get a restraining order, but now she tells me if we don't work out she feels that she would consider seeing him again, even after all the horrible treatment. It has come to the point, where I'm seeing a counselor about it at school. I've never been this stressed out or confused. Please don't give answers that don't put you in my position. Either put yourself in my shoes, or put yourself in the shoes of a family member, with me as your son/brother. I'm a nice guy. I wonder if it's wrong for me to feel like I need to carry this burden. What would you do?

I don't want any of the "don't listen to your parents" comments. It's more serious than that. Again, please put yourself in my shoes. Would you ever date someone like my girlfriend? Would you stay? Should you feel obligated? Even if she gave you opportunities to leave. How would you feel if your son or brother dated someone like her?

I do love her, but can you conceive a possibility that you'd end up in a situation like me? I'm living an ordinary life, and then suddenly I have to deal with so much so fast. When I'm with her I'm happy, when I'm away and I talk to her on the phone about this I feel like I'm in hell. I know that relationships are stressful at times, but I don't think they are supposed to be like this. I'm not a bad or shallow person. I was the only person who ever bought her flowers, the only person who's taken her to a fancy restaurant and favorite museum on Valentines day. The only one who's actually paid for her when on a date. Even though I love her, I can't see a happy future with her. There may be good times, but given all of her problems I don't know how I could stay happy without intense stress.

I dont' know if it's relevant, but I met her on an online dating site. I talked to her online and through emails for maybe a week or less before I went out with her.

Answer 1

be careful with this one, hon. people who carry around a lot of baggage like that have serious issues that need to be dealt with on their own. you can't fix her problems for her, she has to do that herself. encourage her to seek counseling, and offer to go with her if it would make her feel better. but it really sounds like she's weighing you down, and that's not fair to you. i think it would be best for both of you to just be friends. she really needs a friend right now, and you need to keep your own life going in the right direction. don't let the baggage of others keep you from accomplishing your goals and finishing school.

Answer 2

She has way too much baggage, that will eventually weigh you down. It's only been a month. She should seek long term intense therapy, and you should seek a more stable girl. Just because you were sheltered, doesn't mean you have to "settle" just because it's your first girlfriend. You are young and need to explore different types of girls, not just take the first one that comes along. Your parents may not know her past, but their intuition is guiding them, they may not know exactly why...but they sense something is not right with this girl. So they just say she isn't good enough for you. Listen to your parents, they would never steer you wrong. Also, just by the fact you are questioning this relationship, shows that you really do have some reservations about it. Listen to yourself, too. You're not a qualified psychologist, and it sounds like this girl needs one if she's ever going to be successful. Good luck...a lot of girls out there are looking for a guy like you.

Answer 3

'Cutting', is called Borderline Personality Disorder and requires professional help to get over it. Legal abortions don't require lifelong meds. This girl is more afraid of being alone than anything. If you want to make it work with her, try to get her into counselling. If she does go back to the abuser, know that it is a common thing for girls to do and you didn't 'make' her do it. She does need someone to stand by her, but it will be a long uphill piece of work. If you want a nice smooth relationship (don't we all) this girl can NOT give it to you. If she get through some therapy, she will give a lifetime of loyalty. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 4

I can see why you're confused. In your happy upbringing and relatively easy life, you've never met, let alone become intimate with anyone like this girl before. Her life and her past and the person she is, is practically the polar opposite of yours and the person you are. Your relationship with her might be tough. You will probably have issues you need to over come and it might be a rough ride. however, you need to see past all this. What attracted you to her in the first place? What has made you stay with her for a month? If its just guilt and the fact that you feel sorry for her then you need to move on, sooner rather than later. Trust me, staying with her because you pitty her will cause you alot more stress int he long run. If you're with her because you like her though and you enjoy being with her then you need to work on the relationship and stop thinking about her past. If you truly care about her, you can get past your opposites and focus on your similarities.

Answer 5

This is serious and I am glad that you are taking it serious. The thing that stands out to me the most is the suicide. I was with someone who mentioned comminting suicide and I did not take him serious. He did commit suicide and to this day blame myself for not stopping him. She needs to seek counseling. It seems like she might be already since she is on depression meds. She is off to a good start. Her past is her past and I don't think you should judge her based on what she has gone through. It is really sad that she had to go through all of this and it seems like she is trying to get herself cleaned up and looking towards her future. She will probably be really needy and will look to you for support. If you love her than I suggest staying with her. I do not think that you should stay with her if you feel "it is the right thing to do". Also- question to you. You seem to be bothered that she weighs 100 lbs. more than you. Does that help you to make up your mind?

Answer 6

You've only been with her one month and you love her? Yeh she has issues but so do most adults. If you really love her then stick with her, stuff your parents' - its your life. The fact her school wasn't as good as yours, or that your parents dont approve or the fact she's larger than you - thats not important. The thing I think is important is the fact that she'd consider getting back with her ex if you 2 were to split. I would seriously consider wanting to be with someone who would ever contemplate getting back with an abusive ex who got them pregnant, then encouraged them to abort the baby, who got them into debt, who had to get them legally restrained from being near her - the fact that she would consider getting back into that situation - I would seriously consider dumping her. After one month and your going through this already?! Sorry to be harsh but is she worth it? Only you can decide!

Answer 7

You are letting your low self esteem get in the way. This girl may be very nice, but she's clearly a train wreck who will drag you down with her. Offer to be her friend, but don't hitch your wagon to this horse.

I don't even know you and I'm telling you that you can do better. If you're still in school you still have plenty of time. Graduate from the top college, get a great job and trust me - women will be there for you.

Answer 8

If it was me.I really liked her.I would seek out some kind of help for her. Now some FACTS,She has many hang ups.You have only known her for a month.Her ex is still in the picture.That's just not right.She's letting you go,you should Go. She's Not Family. Ever wonder WHY she's telling you so much about herself,I think I would.

Answer 9

I think maybe you are just feeling sorry for this girl. I dont think you truly like this girl but in the event that you do then I would suggest counseling or something of that nature. Unfortunately us a guys, sometimes, do not know how to treat women the way that they should be so we abuse them and whatever else....

She's still holding on to her past so I think that until she really gets over her past then it will be difficult for you two to move on together because it will only complicate things and you will only be more stressed.

Answer 10

This is indeed a false burden for you and do not get caught up. Being like a sister to you and I am telling you that she still has fellings for this other guy like she wants to make you jealous and feel sorry for her and get you caught up cause you are either weak in her eyes or vulunerable to her. If I was really in yur position I would not get involved due to many risks that will be in this relationship.

Answer 11

Tough one. But if she is starting to open up to you then she is starting to feel comfort with you . And she has not had much of that in the past. If you like this girl then just be there for her. If you are not sure about this then you need to leave her alone NOW!!!!. It seems like to me she is asking for your help. Don't just come out and ask her that but listen to her. Please whatever you do , do not string her along. She has had it rough.And if you string her along it could put her over the age. Good Luck ! May God be with you !