Serious replys only please, adult men and women only!?

Question

I have a thought including quite a few questions....was hoping that I could get some open minded responses from others, some different perspecitves.

When I see statistics such as 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce, I have to wonder...what is it about the institution of marriage that is not working. We are raised to feel and believe certain things, for many of us that includes that when you get married, you are with that person, forsaking all others...til' death do you part. But does this include sexually? We assume so....many of us would say, yes it does! But is that reasonable?! Stay with me.......

If we assume that all women want monogamy, or at least the security we believe comes with it and companionship....and if we assume that all men want companionship, a sexy partner not always the same one...as many men will tell you they love steak, but it doesn't mean it's the only thing they want to eat for the rest of their lives?!.......

Then what we have in common is the need for companionship..fueled by jealousy...which has created monogamy? What if we loved our partner enough, that instead of fighting the urge to sleep with others, we fought the urge to be jealous and possesive over them!? Would that be more natural!? In order to be in a monogamous relationship, is there a sexual instinct that we must shut down?! Is it a set up for disaster!? A matter of time before one or both folds!? Should we be more open and embrace this pholosophy in our relationships, providing guidelines and open communication?!
What do you think?

Lovely Lady is right, you are all responding as if I'm condoning cheating....that's not what this is about?! Please read the details with an honest and open mind! The question is about a "New Monogamy" an "open relationship" with consent by both partners, guidelines, boundaries and open communication.
There are so many people on here that are on a moral high horse, and yet, why is that so many people have marital problems do to not being honest with yourselves and each other!? Just enter a search on cheating, and see how many questions and scenarios pop up on here! How can you be sure your partner is cheating on you right now?! Think about it.

Answer 1

I think you're trying to solve one problem by creating two. The problem I think you're trying to solve is that men want women, even after they have one. Your proposed solution is to let them have them. This solves the problem of men wanting multiple women, but it leaves the wife sitting at home, alone, while the man goes out hunting for his next girlfriend. That's hardly fair to her. Like you said, the woman wants to stability that comes with monogamy. You've eliminated that stability. Allowing her to go out and get a boyfriend doesn't make the situation better. Confusion comes in. What exactly is the relationship between these extra lovers and the couple? What about when one of the new lovers wants more attention? What about when one of the new lovers wants to get married him/her self? What if one of the new girlfriends is better in some way than the wife? There goes stability, and the husband?
The other problem is one you touched on. Jealousy. In my experience, men get more jealous than women. A woman isn't going to stay at home, quiet and submissive, while her husband is out sleeping with another girl unless she's very sure of the relationship, but you better believe that the man is going to freak out in a major way if he finds out that she's been out with another guy.
There are other minor problems that come up, like: when the wife gets pregnant, whose baby is it? When one of the husband's girlfriends gets pregnant, how do the married couple deal with it? How about the various lovers?
One of the reasons that guys feel like they need more than one woman is because they feel like one woman isn't meeting their needs sexually. They want two women because they figure that will mean twice as much sex. (Right or wrong...) I know a lot of women who treat married sex like dating sex. The husband has to take a day off of work, buy her roses and chocolates, fix every leaky faucet and every squeaky hinge, and then *maybe* if she's in the mood she'll think about letting him seduce her, but only on her time table.
I would love to see a marriage where the woman vows that the man will be sexually satisfied at least ten times a month. I suggested that over dinner with a few couples, and one woman said, "I'd need to call in reinforcements!" to which her husband replied, "Then you'd better make the call."
I'm not saying that every man would stop looking if his wife gave him all he needed. Some men just love women, but I think that opening up marriage in general is an invitation for more problems.
Now for a couple to open up their own relationship to deal with the problems described, that may be an option on a case-by-case basis. But creative solutions to the problems of a relationship are always the responsibility of the couple, not society at large.
The reason that most marriages fail these days is because society is set up for failure. If a couple spent half as much time, energy, and money on making sure their relationship was stable and secure before getting married as they do on the wedding itself, the divorce rate would probably cut in half. People get married because their in love. Blaa. I love my wife. But even when I don't love her, I stay with her for the sake of the commitment I have to her.

Answer 2

I believe a marriage can be monogamous and happy and fulfilling and passionate and satisfying. My husband and I are proof and I know many, many couples who are still happily married after 15 or 20 yrs. of marriage. Of course unless they are lying through their teeth! And you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors do you? You can't categorize all men and women as all wanting one thing. I know women who have had a good man and cheated on him. And you can't say all men want variety and will only be happy if they get it. Not all men are the same, just as not all women are the same. If you are not going to be happy with one person for the rest of your life, then don't get married!! It's really pretty simple!

Yes, the institution of marriage is working for a lot of people. Yes, it means till death do we part forsaking all others. Yes, it includes sexually!!!!Yes, it is reasonable! If you don't agree with this, DON'T GET MARRIED!!! If you are already in a marriage, and you are just bored sexually, and the person is a good loving person who is worth fighting for, then don't give up!! Don't cheat on this person! Give the marriage a fighting chance. Go to counseling. Sit down and talk it out. Spice up the sex life by talking about what you want and what is missing. Do something you've never done. Go away together. There are so many things to do to spice up the sex life.Make an honest effort before you throw the marriage away. If you are bound and determined to move on then give your spouse the decency of letting him know. Let the spouse keep his dignity. Don't go and cheat and embarrass him. End it first, then move on.

Answer 3

I really liked your question, and first let me say that all these people that are saying cheating is wrong and you are looking to justify something, ignore them, they are obviously closed minded on this topic, and that id fine, but not I suspect what you were looking for.

What you asked about is not "cheating" its an open relationship. Its only cheating if one partner does in intentionally or maliciously without telling the other. What alot of people forget is there is a BIG difference between sex and love. Sex with love is amazing, but sometimes sex is just physical. You can have this with an established partner, or even someone new, the point is if both partners are open and honest and discuss everything, these types of relationships can work out. The key is to be honest about EVERYTHING and i do mean everything. I know first hand that these kinds of relationships can work and can work well as long as you are both wanting the same thing and agree to a set of rules before hand and stick to them.

There are several websites and books you could check out if you want to explore this further. Use any search engine to search for "alternative lifestyles" or "polyamory". Also there is amazing book called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Listz (?) that sheds a whole new light onto this topic.

Good luck and remember, COMMUNICATE!!!!!!

Answer 4

WOW your very intelligent. Well for a marriage to survive now a days it takes a lot of communication. That goes with saying whatever happens withthe couple they need to talk about it and get it in the open, ALso a marriage needs TRUST. Just because your talking ot an guy or a girl you either flirting or sleeping with them . You need to trust and understand that when out in public, you can't choose who you can or cna't speak too. Also you need to be equal partners and help each other in doing things around the house and make sure that neither does everything. And also most marriages end when the couple here rumors about the spouse. If you hear a rumor investigate and find out if it's real could be someone just wants to get the spouse in trouble. But as long as you have communication, trust, and be equals it shoudl take youa long ways. Even if you just have sex once a week too. But having sex is not having to do it jsut becasue, becasue that's when it gets boring. But to make a new spark in the bedroom just ask each other about fantasys or what one would liek to do and since your nmarried do it, and remember what goes on behind closed doors stay there. Want to know more just IM me anytime

Answer 5

Is your point that men should be allowed to cheat?

The reason marriage rates are what they are is for 4 reasons:
1) people marry for the wrong reasons (e.g. they think married life will be wonderful, they just want kids, their friends are married, etc.)

2) People marry the wrong person; either not recognizing they are wrong or hoping they will change

3) People weren't ready for the commitment. They're too young and had more living to do before settling down

4) women have options. They no longer are tied financially and socially to a terrible man. They can leave an abuser, or addict without worrying as much about finances or being a social outcast.

One solution is to make it more difficult to get married. But no one will go along with that because it removes the romantic notion of getting married.

Another solution would be to put heavier penalties on the one at fault in a divorce, but there are many down sides to that.

But to suggest allowing men to have affairs to keep marriage going is naive.

Answer 6

last year the marriage failure rate dropped to (2006) 46.2%,and that was down from the previous year of (2005) 47.9%, (2004) and that was down from year earlier of (2004) 47.7%, and thats down from (2003) of 48.3%!
Two out of three failures not even close to actual facts!!!!!

What your trying justify by stating 2 out of three marriages fail is permission to cheat, or swing, or open the marriage up to another person well when you think like that your marriage is in the dumper because you start to separate who you are over what your marriage can be as monogamous couple.

A person should want the security of a healthy marriage without the fear of an STD, or a child from anther person to have to spend there hard earned money to support!

I will admit monogamy is a discipline but it's allot better then having to raise another persons leftovers or getting an STD from that someone extra that has left you after done with you!
Security is part of the package with monogamy and that has more benefits than anything you can get because when you get to your 60's and all you have a memories and all of a sudden find that your sex drive is almost zip but you look at your spouse and see that you build a life together well theirs nothing better then that , because you wont be remembering who you had sex with or even what there names were but all the good times and even bad times you had with you spouse and look at the life you build together!

It's not Marriages job to make you happy, It's your job to make you marriage a happy one and I seen first hand what a open Lifestyle done to my sister family, and have been informed by to may people (Law enforcement mostly , and family counselors for nephew ) that it happens more than the people who or in the Lifestyle want to admit so LIE (yes I said that) and falsify the truth to fit there own reality to say "well it's going to happen might as well do a work around so we can get this over with"!

It's just SAD!

Answer 7

For starters, we as humans don't have to fight was comes naturally (monogamy). Why should we have to fight the urge to be jealous? Any married person should forsake the urge to be with some else sexually other than their marriage partner. When two people connect sexually as a married couple, they form a certain space of intimacy, once one of them bring someone else into that space, all is lost and I don't honestly think you can get it back. THAT"S WHY THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO CHEAT!

Answer 8

Are you asking is marriage outdated because of our current views on sexuality? No, marriages fail because people are too impatient and self-serving (manipulative, controlling, egotistical) these days. Sex is a distant (although important) third. People are more open about sex these days and sometimes temptation is great. If everything in the marriage is going well, people overcome temptation. Its when things are bad that we are weak, and with all the problems people have that I mentioned before, we are weaker more often than we should be. Is it natural for men to conquer as many women as possible? Sure. It is also natural, and this you rarely read, for some female species to get impregnated by one, strong male but have another male raise the child (believing it his own). So whose nature is what? Alot of women I find build their lives around getting married but NOT marriage, and thats why it fails.

Answer 9

You are looking at marriage at a very simplistic level, as most people do. If you look at marriage strictly on a sexual level, then it will be easy to show that marriage is impracticable and monogamy is not realistic.

The problem with your theory is that you do not recognize that sex is only meant for marriage. Contrary to popular belief, sex outside of marriage is the reason why marriages don't work. Sex before marriage place unachievable expectations on the marriage. For example, of course sex is going to be more exciting if you had a few drinks and sleep with with someone you just met at a bar versus having sex with someone when you are expected to have sex. That's a hard adjustment for anyone to make.

Saying all of that, yeah there are a lot of beautiful women that are very sexually attractive to me. Yeah, I look. But I then remember that I have a very attractive wife I am a very handsome and sexy man. So married people have to make an effort to be attractive their spouse. This is very important in making marriages work.

Answer 10

Marriage isn't all about sex...I believe when you get married you make a committment to one another to forsake ALL others. If anyone wants more than one sexual partner don't get married. Don't even compare "steaks" to sexual partners not even in the same running. Sex should not be a casual action especially in this day and age with every transmittable disease going around. Yes, marriage means ONE and ONLY ONE sexual partner until death do you part or divorce which would be sad just for a night of lust.