I am completely broken by what to do. I have a partner of 4 years with whom I have no children or live with . He has alcohol problems and I have been an enabler to him in the past. He has been afggressive to me and controlling. I got involved with another man in a friendship way as support when he was abusive and developed feelings for him and him me. We have kissed and I visit him but he wants more. He thinks I ended it with my partner a few weeks ago and I did, but I was weak and still stayed in contact with him as he was really upset and I was as it was my first relationship. I ended the relationship with boyf yesterday and now I am broken as what to do for the best. I miss him but If I get back with him the other man will have to go and I need him too. He has been my best friend. My boyf would not allow me male friends so I had to lie to see him. I am tired of deciet and I am having panic feelings. I did not mean to end up in this situation and it is hard
2007-02-21 00:16:29 · 17 answers · asked by Abigail 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need some time on your own. Do NOT get involved with either. You need to gain back your confidence so you do not fall into the same situation again and again. Break off all contact with your ex, even if it means changing your number and getting a restraining order (if needed.) He is abusive and will NOT end his abusive ways until he gets help for himself. He needs to seek it on his own doing, which means you need to be out of the picture so he can make that decision on his own. Please don't prepetuate the cycle by going back. You'll end up regretting it and your self-worth, personal safety, and mental and emotional welfare don't need to be in constant jeopardy. Abusers use sympathy as a tool to control their victims. He lured you back in by being upset.
Abusive people are actually immature, insecure cowards. Sometimes, that's why they like to control their mates. They are trying to protect themselves from hurt, but at the same time are inhibiting the relationship to grow. They start off as Prince Charming, moving the relationship very fast. Then, they isolate their mate from friends and family so the only person to trust *is* the abuser, and then that's when it's "safe" for them to attack. Be glad you don't live with him.
Tell your male friend that you need some time for yourself to sort things out. He probably knows of your situation, and if he is a gentleman, he will not take advantage of you in this vulnerable state. If he is actually your friend, he'll understand. If he really cares, he'll wait for you. Take a month or two getting used to being happy alone. Do things for yourself- get involved in sports, join a gym, or your participate in your community and make a new circle of friends. Just get out and do things. You have to realize that you don't "need" a relationship in order to be happy.
2007-02-21 00:51:11 · answer #1 · answered by punchy333 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest not getting back into a relationship with the bf with the alcohol problems, but at the same time you just got out of a relationship, you need some time to yourself before you go into another one, so ask the other guy to wait a while. As for the old bf, I would suggest that after making it very clear that you will be friends and nothing more, that you try to continue to be friends and help him overcome the alcohol issues. Be sure to warn him that if he abuses you one more time, you will end the friendship too.
2007-02-21 08:48:09 · answer #2 · answered by musiclover 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's obvious you've been brow-beaten so long that your level of self-esteem is at issue, too. I really feel sorry for your situation because I was raised in a dysfunctional, violent home with an alcoholic father. My Mom passed away when I was 9. He abused both her as well as my stepmother. I have an idea of what you are going through. First, without question, you need to end the first relationship. For your own well-being and self-image, you need to get out and away from any relationship that isn't healthy, no matter what emotion you may feel. You should go with the relationship that can provide you with the love and comfort that you need to become "normal" again. Please, do not subject yourself to verbal or physical abuse. Your "best friend" seems to have the willingness, love, and patience to help you recover from the alcoholic/women beater/control-freak. You deserve more in life than being subjected to imprisonment. That's what it is. If you want your freedom, seek it today, without delay.
2007-02-21 08:30:56 · answer #3 · answered by gone 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand what your going through. Being in a controling relationship has a way of continueing even after it is over, it's like we are pulled back time after time, it's still part of the control they have over you. I walked away. I tuned him out for about 2 years, when I spoke to him again I though we could be friends, for we got along fine as male/female friends, he was my best friend for a long time, but he started in being controling, like where are you going, for how long, who will be there, and then he would call my cell constantly. No matter how much I tried to tell him we were just friends and he didn't need to call me constantly he would say things like ...well who is with you you don't want me to know about? are you sure your working and not out meeting someone? things like that, so I stopped talking to him again for a while. I just couldn't take him controlling my life like he had some right to. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man now 4 years and my Ex does text me on holidays and about a couple times a month I get an email from him wanting to know how I am...I wish he would change, but he won't, because I do miss talking to him but my fiancee said that he (Ex) just isn't the type to let relationships go when they are over. Get out of the controling relationship, they just get worse as the years go on, I was in mine for 20 years and the last 4 years has been everything I could have ever wished for in a person.
2007-02-21 08:33:05 · answer #4 · answered by sassywv 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your boyfriend of 4 years is controlling and aggressive, i think you should take a step back from him and leave, no-one should be in this kind of relationship, you became close to the other man because of the way you were being treated, i have found from personal experience that this tends to happen when you are in a bad relationship, you start to feel for another man when you have trouble at home, i did, i left my bf of 3 years for someone who made me feel good, gave me love and treated me right, it lasted 6 months as i realised i was only with him because of the way he treated me, i was not in love with him it was his affection towards me that i loved, i suggest the best thing to do it to leave your bf of 4years and do not get with the other man, i think you should stay single and find yourself, relish in the freedom and enjoy your life for a while before you find someone new, i get the impression you have not been able to experience alot due to the controlling behaviour of your partner, it will be tough for you, first love is always the hardest to get over and move on, however i think it is best, the longer you stay with him, the more lies you will make, the more regret and guilt you will feel, i hope this helps you, be strong and remember this is just advise you do not have to take it, you must follow your heart, but listen to your head, do you want to lie and be controlled, looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life? Think about this logically and i am sure you will come to the solution which is best for you. Stay strong and good luck i wish you all the best
2007-02-21 08:29:16 · answer #5 · answered by gmc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your not alone in this type of situation. There are many of women who have been there. First, DO Not stay in a relationship that is controlling and aggressive. Take worth of who you are and let no one mistreat you. I know it's hard but if you do not value who you are then no one else will either. As far as the new guy I understand how you feel. It feels good to be validated after we have been put down. Share with the new guy that you need time wihout being in a relationship to gather your thoughts together however you value his relationsip and need his support. Also let him know that if you proceed with the physical aspect then it may just be a rebound thing and that you do not want to hurt him in any way. If he chooses to leave.....believe me in the long run you will be glad you found out early. Whatever you do, do not return to the previous relationship..because they seldom change. I have been there before!
2007-02-21 21:16:09 · answer #6 · answered by rimrod 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A controlling personality is so hard to end a relationship with. I know my-ex-husband was that way. But anyway. It sounds like you have found some one else that is stable and you really down deep want a more normal relationship. Unless the first guy shows and follows through with some major changes, such as control issues and alcohol. You need to go on with your life because he is not going to change,and you have a chance with someone that could be good for you and treat you the way a lady should be treated.
2007-02-21 08:26:28 · answer #7 · answered by Janst 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Alcohol problems? Abusive? Controlling? Get out and move forward with the relationship that makes you happy. Be strong! Love and respect mean more that anything else in a relationship.
2007-02-21 08:30:43 · answer #8 · answered by MISTY 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
STAY AWAY FROM THE BOYFRIEND! He doesn't love you, he just loves the fact that he has the control over you. DO not let this man run your life. It's not worth it, if anything, if you don't want a serious relationship with your friend, tell him that and if he can't understand that, then he can go on too..Do whats best for yourself hun, don't let things get any worse.
2007-02-21 08:21:53 · answer #9 · answered by Torey♥ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a great start admitting that this is of your own making.
Have you ever wanted to stop the spinning roller coaster ride and get out for awhile ... stretch your arms and breathe??
I didn't think so.
My thinking is you like and even need the conflict.
Anyone standing in a pasteur can look at cow dung...
call in their friends to help Identify it...and sympathize...
You'll all agree...yep thats one big pile fer sure...
but I guess if you didn't want to deal with it...or step in it...
you'd get out of the pasteur and stop returning to it everytime you wanted to play with a new cow.
Take a break.
You don't need Yahoo As to tell you what to do...
you know already.
Good luck;
the first steps are hard...
once you can live by yourself though;
you'll find you're ready to live with someone else.
2007-02-21 08:28:23 · answer #10 · answered by Warrior 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋