Can a marriage survive the death of a child?

Question

Our 4 yr old adopted son died 6 months ago from leukaemia.Watching him go through all the treatments and then losing him in the end almost killed us.After a big confrontation where he insisted I wasn't dealing with it and needed help I walked out and have been staying with a friend for 6 weeks now.Things have been very strained ever since the death and I'm afraid me walking out was the final blow.Where do you go form here?Can my marriage be saved?

Answer 1

This is a terrible ordeal and the trauma feels unbearable. But if you really want to save your marriage, you are half way to doing so.

Communication is so vital. Have you considered counselling? Bereavement counselling can sometimes make a huge difference. Great if you go as a couple; worth it even if you go on your own.
I'm speculating a lot here about what may be going on within you, for all I have of you is your question. Sometimes we feel not understood, not appreciated, not cherished and not heard. At the very least, you may grow to feel accepted and heard and appreciated by your counsellor, and not so alone with your feelings.
Somehow, healing of your marriage will require each of you to listen to and fully understand the other. Well, actually, if you do so from your side and can really hang back from your own "I want"s, the time may well come when he listens to you too, AFTER he feels understood by you.
You are saying that in your husband's mind you are not "dealing with it", but we all grieve in different ways and at different paces. It could even be... i don't know you but I know this of others... your emotions are stronger than his and you are simply not ready to "deal with" it, whatever that phrase really means to him. It could be that after the years of caring for your son you are feeling emotionally exhausted and simply need some "Isabella time".

In the deepest sense, it really is true that "all you need is love, love is all you need." But I mean love that is without conditions, not "I love you if". Two books that you might want to consider to help you are "love is letting go of fear" (by Jampolsky) and "reconnecting the love energy".

And one more thing. Do you believe in you? Some people in your kind of circumstances...... I know yours are unique, but you know what I mean as a generalisation....... particularly women, beleive themselves to be failures. You have cared for a child, and he has left this world. You have cared with a man, and you have left him. But there is a lifegiving truth: a project can be a failure, a person never is.

Incidentally, there are specific organisations for parents bereaved by the death of a child. You might want to google for one in your area.

If you like, please email me directly.

If you are in London or specially if near Harlington, you might value letting me know.

And whatever, I hope you get yourself the caring for you that you both need and deserve.

Answer 2

I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say that would make everything okay again but there isn't. I am sure the hurtful words you said to each other were not so much words of anger as words of grief. You both need counseling to help you cope with your loss. Can your marriage survive is a much harder question. Many marriages do not survive but if you are both willing to work hard yours could. It sounds as if you are still talking to each other and that is a good thing. Call your local hospital they will have a list of support groups for grieving parents as well as lists of counselors for those who need more help than the support groups. Talk to your husband and try the counseling. You need each others support right now. I will offer a prayer for you and your husband. I hope the both of you can find some peace in your life.

Answer 3

Yes, a marriage can survive. My parents have survived the death of my brother for 7 years now. I think the key is to have two people who both understand that not one individual person handles grief in quite the same way. My mom was, for a long time, weepy and depressed, and searched out memories to which she could hold on. My dad, on the other hand, had basically one 'breakdown', cried, sobbed, yelled at God or whatever, then decided that's all he was going to allow himself to do publicly.
Both of them understand that the other just does things differently, and they have the courtesy, love, and support for one another to understand that fully. My mom's an emotional person and my dad handles thing very scientifically. That's just the way they are, but they respect the differences and offer understanding based on those differences. I hope this helps, and I am so very sorry for your loss. Many squeezy, healing hugs for you and your family.

Answer 4

First of all, you shouldn't have walked out on him you should have just admitted to your problems and sought a way to deal with it. I know it's not easy loosing someone as close as your son but you need your marriage to be strong now more than ever. You and your husband both share a common pain and should be there for each other to comfort, love and understand each other in order to overcome this very sad and traumatizing ordeal. Love can heal a lot including the pain you both are going through now.

Answer 5

I see a pattern of couples divorcing after a death or life crippling incident to a child. It is like they endure so much stress that it cannot be overcome. Sadly you kinda showed you weren't dealing with it by walking out, when he needed you as much as I hope you needed him. Try talking it out, maybe there is something to salvage, if you want to. Good luck, sorry for your tragic loss.

Answer 6

YES! You can save your marriage, but you must want to. Is it possible you really do need to talk to someone? Why was his suggestion that you need to talk to someone such a bad thing that you had to walk out? It sounds like your husband loves you and wants to help you deal with a very hard time in your life. Take his suggestion and his love and use them to begin the heeling process.

Answer 7

Maybe. It would depend on both of you. Maybe, if you have yourself together, try working on it. Maybe get some counciling. Seperately or together. It will probably take lots of work and how much you each have to give--how much you each want to work it out. There needs to be lots of communication and understanding. I think in this situation, you each will need to give about 80-90 percent.
Good luck.

Answer 8

I would think that would have brought you closer together. Don't
think I have no idea what your talking about because I lost a son
to heart problems. I know it's hard, that only made our family stronger.

Answer 9

my marriage did not survive the loss of my son...

my husband was not dealing with it and was convinced I was not dealing with it and that I was sufering depression and needed medication......

Years later I realised that he had laughed his way through life and because he could not laugh through the death of my son he figured it was my sadness that was bringing him down.... he was so out of touch with his own feelings he blamed my feelings for him not coping..