I have been maried for 3 years during that time it has been an emotional roller coster and mostly hard work, my husband is very one way thinking, (his way or the highway), he likes to be in control of everything, including my son from a previous (who now calls him dad), If my husband falls out with me it can go on for weeks him not speaking, I normally crack and make up with him and even though I did nothing wrong, just because i miss him so much, the last time we fell out I had had enough and decided I was leaving, I refused to let him in our bed for 2 weeks and I sent off for info on where i could live etc. We have since made up (he made the first move and admitted he was a t#at) he said things will change and he will try harder to treat me with respect and treat our son more like his own and not a lepor as he sometimes does.
The problem is i'm not bothered! he hasn't exactly changed and its as if i am seeing him from new eyes now and hes just a lying pathetic excuse for a man,
2007-02-20 20:55:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I’m finally seeing what all my friends see now, and I don’t like it, I’m trying hard to make things work but I just end up pushing him away.
I do love him still (I think) and I know he is/can be a good man but I’m finding it very hard to go back to how things were.
Do you think we have just had far too many bust ups that its not worth making up again as we will only fall out in a week or so’s time anyway??
Sorry for rambling on I need some good advice please x
2007-02-20 20:55:49 · update #1
also he is very good with mindgames and I cant have children without IVF something he said was out of the question as he didnt want to run the risk of twins or more, and he has 2 from previous.
but since we have made up he says he will start saving up for us to have the ivf and a baby, Im not sure if I belive him and he is just saying it to get him back in my good books.
2007-02-20 20:58:27 · update #2
CJ, i have read all your questions, and what a torrid time you are having with this hubby of yours--such a shame that both you AND your son are being used as carpets by this manipulative person, so i would only say that it really is time for you to bail out m'dear...sorry, but there IS no other way except for perhaps counselling and i really would not put it past him to manipulate those sessions either--i know you say you love him and all, but this marriage is not going to get any better anytime soon for you...only for him on his terms, and i suspect you see that also. I wish you all the best in your choice of what you do in the future for you and your child...you are both worth more than this situation you are in and deserve so much better:-)
2007-02-21 13:07:49 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Reading between the lines , it seems as if you've already made up your mind that you don't want to be with him anymore. There are no excuses for the way he has been treating you. You have feelings too but all he seems to think about is himself. Get yourself and your son away before he makes too much of an impression on your lives. Three years is long enough for you to have figured out if he will change and I suspect he won't. We all deserve a certain amount of respect and he certainly doesn't respect you or your son. Out there, there is a lovely man just waiting to meet you and your son and who is ready to make you both happy. Please end this farce of a marriage and under no circumstances consider a baby by him.
2007-02-20 21:12:46 · answer #2 · answered by ☞H.Potter☜ 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is HARD...
"I do..." is just the beginning of MAJOR adjustments of bringing two separate individuals together.
I used to think after the first 5 yrs, the adjustments are made; but that's not true either. People change all their lives. It takes a conscious effort by both individuals to make things work. 50/50 is NOT the answer. It has to be 100/100. Instead of thinking "What's in it for me?" Think "How can I make things better?"
Going back to the way things used to be is not the answer. That was obviously not healthy. You need to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him you love him and want to work things out with him, but you need him to show (walk the talk) his love and respect for you and your son. (You were a "package deal" when he married you, he needs to be responsible for the choice he made when he married you...) You want things to be better and your willing to start fresh. The 2 of you agree on some ways to make things better... No bringing up mistakes from the past over and over. When it's over, let it be over. Share responsibilities... Stay within the budget, keeping up on the home, big decisions and purchases should be discussed and agreed upon, Set aside a date night for the two of you (dates don't have to be expensive, it can be a walk in the park... as long as you spend some time together), set aside a family night where you do things as a family (play games, watch a DVD, etc...) Decide things on what is in the best interest for the FAMILY... individual selfishness needs to be put aside..., do little things for each other (a note in a briefcase, on a pillow or the fridge, buy something little just because...)
Sometimes counseling is needed. Sometimes they've been programmed from childhood to be the way they are and they need help changing the pattern.
Just remember that LOVE is an ACTION word. Hopefully he will see how much you love and care about your family unit and he'll be willing to make a better effort himself.
Best of LUCK to ya' Hun! ; )
2007-02-20 21:19:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
People have a threshold and are willing to keep trying to stick at a relationship until one day the threshold is crossed and things suddenly look different.
You seem to feel that you've used enough energy on a doomed relationship and see things as un-repairable. It's very difficult to fix things from here.
You need to think about what's best for you and your son. It's better that your son grows up in a happy single parent home than a miserable doomed two parent home.
You either need a radical change from your husband, or need to accept that it's time to move on without him.....
Good luck!
2007-02-20 22:13:27 · answer #4 · answered by Cracker 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i don't know if he will change or not, all that i do know is that once you see them in a differant light you can never go back on that.
also i think that you have already said it for yourself that things will only start again in another week or the next time you have an arguement.
it's your decision whether you want to stay with him but i personally think that you will be better off without him, and i think that it would be best for you to get your son out of there as this could damage him emmotionally, blowing hot one min and then cold the next.
i think that you sound miserable and that you have already made your mind up.
good luck to you x
2007-02-20 21:04:00 · answer #5 · answered by confused 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
hun take it from me you need to leave - I stayed in a realationship for 3 years where my boyfriend was exactly like your husband - they are not capable of change - in fact when the realise they have a problem - they get worse. I know it was a lot easier for me to leave seeing as I wasnt married and there werent kids involved - but if you spend one more minute with this man you WILL regret it.
You only get one life and to be told how to live it and spending the majority of your time on edge and sidestepping around issues for fear of upsetting them is just not worth it.
You sound like an intelligent woman that can have so much more out of life for you and your kids so I really would enourage to leave.
I can tell you now when you mention it you will be promised the sun moon and stars by him - and maybe he'll deliver for a few weeks but he will soon revert back to his old ways and you'll be back to square one again.
Good luck!
xx
2007-02-20 23:22:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to tell him that you're not sure if you are in love with him anymore or what. Because of how he has changed, and his actions, everything. Tell him you are fed up with being treated this way and are insulted by empty promises. Trust me he is not going to respect you if you don't take a firm stand for yourself. And if none of that even bothers him, honestly, I would just leave.
It would be better for you to meet someone you are meant to be with. For all you know the way he has been acting might be having negative effects on your son. He will learn how to treat a woman from seeing his "dad".
Think about that.
2007-02-20 21:00:53 · answer #7 · answered by Konjo Nashi Pirate™ 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You need to go for marriage guidance counselling in the first instance - if he doesn't agree to give it a go then you know that he is not willing to change.
If he does agree to go and you talk through your problems (both sides) and you start to see an improvement then you know its worth fighting for, but if after a few sessions you can see absolutley no signs of improvement at all then I'd say cut your losses.
You have to be happy in life.
2007-02-20 21:54:00 · answer #8 · answered by luz2loz 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
We tend to think things can not be working out when we are so cought up with stressful problems. Try look at the situation as it is, not more or less, and think everything twice since this is your precious marriage life.
You are probably too tired of all these things happenings and simply wants to give up, which is very normal in any circumstances. Give yourself some times to think things through, do the thinking with clear-mind. Relationship needs reasons to last, not emotions.
Be strong and good luck.
2007-02-20 21:07:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
That's a tough one, and is only going to work if both of you feel the relationship is worth the work, and he WANTS to change. Get that straight first. If he is willing to talk, and is trying but he slips back into his old habits, counseling could help.
Good luck.
p.s. being the parent of someone else's kids is VERY difficult.
2007-02-20 21:05:20 · answer #10 · answered by Clueless 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋