My mother believes that there is no reason to ever be angry with her. What do I say?

Question

Last Saturday my sick 85 year old mother called me at 7am and talked for thirty minutes about how she felt. The whole while I felt ill. I had a slight case of the flu. I had about three hours of sleep. I was frustrated and listened but realized that she had my two daughters there to help her all day every day and I was by myself feeling ill. I felt that I needed sleep to feel better. I usually would have used assertive comments like,"Mom, I feel sick and will call you as soon as I wake up." However, I was not thinking clearly with a headache and no sleep. Because I was "angry", meaning how I talked and not what I said, she plans to never speak to me again. If I say I am sorry I am sure she will "forgive" me. My big point I would like her to realize is that I am not wrong because I am angry or use a short tone with her. Are there any books that say that a person should ask, "Why are you upset?"

Answer 1

I don't know any books to recommend, but if my mother was 85, I would do whatever it took to keep the peace. The reality of it is that you do not have many years left with your mother. Make the most of them while you can, and let the other stuff go.

Keep in mind that a lot of elderly, especially late in years revert back to child like behavior. Be patient with her.

Answer 2

Most people that old suffer SOME form of dementia. She has regressed to the emotional maturity of a five-year old. You say "she plans to never speak to me again" and I say by this Friday at 3:00 pm she will have forgotten all about having said this. By Monday morning she will have forgotten an argument ever took place. You can't make her 'realize' that you are right (interesting that you used the double-negative here: "not wrong") because she is INCAPABLE. Just let it slide...

Answer 3

When I'm ill, I feel really guilty about not being able to do more for people. But that is *part* of being ill and low on resources. I think you should keep a low profile right now, and recover.

You might be thinking that maybe you could text or email your sisters that you still have flu, and that you are not up to talking right now, and you are sorry if you hurt or annoyed your mother's feelings by not being fully attentive. But I think that's only guaranteed to get you into more calls, so forget it until you feel better & fully able to cope!

It would also blow your mother's whole act. If your mother is like any elderly people I know, she is likely in denial about being hard-of-hearing. Anyone your sisters' age would of course have heard in your voice that you were not yourself, and picked up on that in a normal way. I'm pretty sure that your mother is hoping that she can still hold a normal conversation and bluff her way. She doesn't get it that you weren't up to the usual exchange. She is likely used to saying the usual things & I bet she felt lost and couldn't bluff when that changed because you are not up to talking much. She might have been terrified that you were answering her and yet she had gone so deaf that she literally heard nothing in reply. You might need to speak louder, but you didn't have the energy to do so. She can't afford to let you think that she's failing, because mothers don't like to frighten their children for some little thing like that, when it might be OK tomorrow. She'll never admit it, but I bet she was scared for herself. She rang someone and it didn't work out. If she's a bit deaf, she can't improvise, and that's a lonely thing to admit to someone younger. She can't afford to tell you guys that. It's far better to provoke you into anger, because then she can hear you and knows she's still part of the conversation.

If you normally can be heard OK, you would not believe how hard it is for some older people. It's why they give daft answers. They have to believe that they are still keeping up. Has she given any wrong answers lately, and is afraid of being thought senile? They just can't accept such a hearing loss on top of everything else.

She probably needs to make the best of what she can still do. Also, if she was frustrated by you, it might have livened up her day, given her something new to rage about besides the usual aches & pains! She probably quite enjoyed a bit of a rant to your sisters about how ungrateful you all are. You never know your luck - next week she might be calling you to say how rude they were to her! That gives them a break!

I'm guessing that your mother can't hope to feel very much better, and that she's angry about that, and bored? I'm guessing that she doesn't have a husband to vent to, and maybe was brought up to keep her troubles to herself or in the family? Out of economy or discretion? So she has to entertain herself as best she can with these little games. Who knows? Think of her as someone with a lot of pride, who had a bad line, and thinks you caused it. You didn't. It's her little soap-opera. You can send your sisters chocolates later when you're up & about. You can send her a card. Tell her the line was terrible and you were very hoarse. Now get some sleep & get well soon! Hugs to you. Flu is hard to get through anyway, without sparing other peoples' feelings and trying to pretend you are fully better when you're not!

Answer 4

Wow, hold to your principals. I'm sure you can find some books on good behavior you can read. Be sure she knows why you are soooo angry with her.
Or better yet, you could just say you are sorry, let it go and enjoy what time you have left with her. I'd love to have my mom around to talk to on the phone. She'd be about 85 now if she was still alive.

Answer 5

Well, I don't know of any books off the top of my head, but obviously people make mistakes. Especially when they are sick and haven't slept well. Explain why you snapped, if she doesn't accept that, then I guess you won't be talkng for a while.

If I were you, I would have:

A: Made another phone ring and told her I had to go
B: disconnect the phone right in the middle of saying something and leave it disconnected (so you can say there was a problem)
C: Just put the phone down and go back to sleep (then tell her you were so sick and sleepy that you just conked out)
D: Told her you had diarhea and had to go to the bathroom.

Those are all reasonable occurences.

Answer 6

At 85, do you really expect this lady to change? Apologize if that's what she wants--no one's asking you to mean it--and make the best of the time you have with her. I lost mine last year and am glad I didn't take of lot of her ridiculous crap to heart because now my memories are of the good stuff not the squabbles.

Answer 7

Mom, I'm sorry you did not like the way I spoke to you. I can't promise that I won't become tired and angry in the future, but I love you very much and would miss talking (sometimes loudly) to you.

Answer 8

your mother may realize that her time is near to leave this earth and go to heaven. My mother did the same thing two days before she passed. she was angry and blamed everyone for something. She was hurting that she had to leave us behind. She called each one of us and talked for a long time and i listened to her no matter if i was late for work.

Answer 9

Only a suggestion, but why don't you sit down with your mother and calmly explain your feelings? Communication can work wonders when both sides are open. Good luck.

Answer 10

she's being irrational...you don't need a book to know that. You could say you're sorry that you were rude to her, if you feel you were.....there's no harm in saying sorry I hurt your feelings. Ask her to recognize that it was just you're feelings and you weren't being wrong, you were just not feeling good....everyones not bright and chippy all the time!