u think our own childen lie to us just to make us happy?

Question

recently got legally seperated 8 months now.both my kids tell me its ok, but they would love to c us back toghether,thought i tell them i aint gonna happen,they said they are happy as long as both of us are happy/But my ex tells me that they are hurting inside ?when i ask them they say that it's not true/ im comfused/

Answer 1

They are probably trying to appease you to some extent. I know that if my parents were in the same situation and they both were struggling with their own feelings, I would try to suppress mine and suck it up and tell them I was all right. But that's just me.
Just tell them that you want them to be straightforward with you and not to hold back for your sake. Tell them that you understand this is difficult for them and that you're there for them, and that includes them talking with you honestly about their feelings.

Answer 2

If they want u back together then she's right they are hurting inside.. all divorces hurt the kids, even the most amicable of divorces, the kids are ultimately the ones that pay the price. For some kids its really hard for them to open up to their father.. and usually easier for them to open up to their mom, why cause women are usually the nurturer and dad is usually the disciplinarian..

I dont think ur kids are intentionally lying to u.. but i do think they are possibly bottling up their feelings.. and if they've said they wish u were back together, and u've said its not going to happen, u couldnt really think that they'd say "Ok dad said no, so everyone do the be happy dance".. it doesnt work that way.. they have had their lives as they know it torn apart, and they feel like their life is crumbling down around them, and they just want it to be the way it use to be..

Answer 3

I know I used to humor my parents when I was young. They *are* probably hurting. This was expected, at least a little. They're not going to tell you that they're upset because they know that it would upset you, and there's nothing anyone can do about it, except let time do its magical healy thingy. They may also be putting up some sort of "macho" front to show that they're a rock because they might otherwise feel embarassed. They sound like mature open-minded kids. They rock!!

I would talk with them, and tell them that it's okay for them to feel however they're feeling. Tell them that you're the adult and you are the one to take on the responsibility of hurting- not them, so not to feel bad about feeling bad, or holding it in. They need to work through it, not over it and bury it until it surfaces later on in life. Squash it now while the wound is open. Just try to make it as easy as possible on them. And definately, remind them that this is not their fault. Kids always think the divorce is their fault for some strange reason.

They could just be trying to make Dad feel guilty. Possibly, I don't know.

Answer 4

Shame you didn't give us the ages of the children. You wife could be lying to you. Your children sound lovely and level headed. It's natural for them to want you all to be together again and good that you gave them a straight answer. When they're older they'll understand more and they'll always know that you don't beat around the bush and lie. Your word is something they will always come to rely on. It is possible that the children are lying to you about being happy, but you can't change it now otherwise you'd be ruining everyones life. (you & wife separated for a reason).

Separation from your wife is obviously amicable - I commend you both for that and for letting the children see that you are both happy.

I'd stick by my guns regarding not getting back together, and when the children ask a question, keep the answer short and understandable for their age.

I hope you find full happiness once again in your life.

All the best

Answer 5

Hi there moni, Let's get one thing straight, a few people on here are saying that divorce wrecks kids lives and it is a 'tragedy.' More to the point, divorce is a sad fact of life that happens alot in contemporary society because we are able to divorce our partners. Many years ago, women did not have that option. What is worse?....a loveless marriage wraught with arguments, or a divorce and a clean start. Even if parents stay together 'for the children's sake,' children are not fools and they will pick up and hate the atmosphere. Ofcourse your children would love to see you back together, but that is not an option, and you have been honest with them and told them so. Your children will want you both to be happy, and, whether you are divorced or not, children do tend to tell their parents what they want to hear. Your children will be hurting inside, they are grieving the loss of their parent's relationship together. Time is a good healer, children adapt well and are resilient. The best that you and your ex can do for your children is to be amicable for them. Get along with your ex when it comes to arrangements for seeing your children etc. This is what can be damaging to children when you constantly war with your ex partner. You and your ex must put aside what ever bad feelings you may have about each other for their sakes. You must love your children more than you may dislike your ex. Get on with building your lives and concentrate on being happy. Believe me, I have been there. I wish you all the best! :o)

Answer 6

Perhaps you should have talked to them extensively before you sign the papers. No kids want their parents go thru divorce because that severely changes the stability (abuses are exception). Now that it has happened, what do you really want as answers? Really? If you think you can make order out of disorder, you can't. The impact on them may show up when they grow up. Right now, they are just living with it while doing what kids do at school, with their friends, etc.

Answer 7

Remember the safe world of your children ended when you split up. They are the true innocent victims in a divorce. Children so often think they were the cause of the break up of mommy and daddy.

Of course they are hurting inside and what else do you think they are going to tell you especially if you are telling them no way in hell mommy and daddy are getting back together.

Answer 8

By chance, were you the one that happened to initiate the divorce?

If so, they feel like it was somehow their fault you left and are trying to be as little a problem for you are they can because they need you to love them rather than walk out on them too.

By chance, was your ex the one that happened to initiate the divorce?

That's my interpretation.

If so, they are pissed at your ex and are being honest with your ex about their feelings - getting it off their chest. They are not honest with you because they see you as the victim and you've been through enough already.

Answer 9

I think it is very common for the kids to want their parents together no matter what the circumstances are for the divorce.
Kids love both parents & don't want to have to choose either side.

Do what is best for yourself. Do not worry about the kids, they will be fine. Your ex may be trying to make you feel a little bit guilty, too.

Answer 10

You separated from your husband so therefore there are problems with him. Just listen to your children, you know them better perhaps than they know themselves. Just keep talking to them and try to remain on good terms with your ex if possible, this will help them. They want both of you to be happy, they sound very mature and well grounded to me. Don't be confused, just rejoyce in the having raised such clear thinking and loving children.