what do you think of this? it's kina a short poem... wrote is about a year ago?

Question

In the quiet of my cell
I try to embrace
This feeling I have
Which I can’t relate

And this quiet that’s here
Is not quiet to the ear
Where you can hear
Every dropping tear

In this cell in which I am
I have encased myself
How and why I don’t know
And therefore I can’t explain

To this cell I try to break
Break from reality, from the pain
Then try to break again
From the closing shell of this surrounding cell

Answer 1

It looks like you're limiting your line length and number of lines in a stanza because you think a poem has to look a certain way which isn't wrong or bad, except that you're handicapping yourself by not completing your thought ("Which I can't relate" is an example).

Also, including rhyming in a mostly non-rhyming poem isn't bad either, though it is rather jarring in the second stanza with all four lines rhyming with essentially a forced stoppage at the end of each line.

And I can't quite understand your change in syntax as you move through the stanzas. As it changes, it's more of a distraction and doesn't really add anything to the reading.

It's a good start. One of the keys to writing poetry is to keep writing. Also, read. Read anything. Poems, books, magazines... Increasing your vocabulary will help you to pick words that mean almost exactly what you're trying to convey through your poem. Take some classes. However, don't fall for the trap of listening to everyone and trying to please everyone. Unless you're commissioned to write a poem, you're writing mostly for yourself.

Oh... and play around with some of the fixed format poems (sonnets, villanelles, etc.). It'll be tough at first, but you'll learn more about rhyme, meter, length of line, etc... Learning these poem forms will also end up helping your free verse poetry.

Answer 2

I enjoy your poem, although you need a little more rhtyhm it is very good. You use repetition to emphasize the main point, whicj I believe is that you feel pain yet can not understand how it got there or never the less when did you start feeling that why.

Answer 3

You want to use more imagery to make a mental picture. Don't tell me what you feel in a poem - show me with images. More than just the cell.

Answer 4

It's deep and emotional.

How about mine:

My name is Pancho
I live on a rancho
I work for two pesos a day
I go home to Lucy
She give me some pu$$y
and take my two pesos away

Answer 5

It's okay. Kind of mediocre.

Answer 6

only one thing to say.. 2 points!