Will you tell me what you think?

Question

Emily started downstairs after smelling a whiff of her father's famous pancakes. The stairs weren't very long, but Emily had just gotten up and it seemed like a long way to her. She yawned a couple times before reaching the bottom of the staircase. "Dad? Angela?Save some pancakes for me." Emily entered the family room to find the TV off and no one on the couch or the big comfy chair where her big sister, Angela usually sat.. She entered the kitchen. The smell was there, but her father was not. Emily glanced out the window to find neighbors collecting their mail from the mailboxes and early-birds pacing the London streets in their automobiles. Nothing unusual, she decided. What happened? Nobody was there. Emily didn't panic. She just went back in the family room. There, on the chair arm, was a crinkled note. She opened it and began to read the scribbled writing. Soon, her adverage ordinary teenager- life would come crumbling down in a dramatic awakening in a matter of seconds.

I want to become an author, but I want to know what you think. Be honest.... do you like the story opening? Should I add anything to it? Does it grab your attention? I will pick a best answer (10 points) so plz answer!

Answer 1

I like it, and I'm intrigued about what happened.
I kind of want to draw it, Manga style, even though it's set in London.
You did a great job setting the scene in a very short amount of time.

Answer 2

I'm going to speak as a publisher.

If this is the opening to a story, it doesn't work. Many of the phrases feel trite (is her father a world-reknown chef? How can his pancakes be famous?). "Her average, ordinary" is redundant wording. Many of the sentence constructions are too wordy or awkwardly presented.

I realize what you are TRYING to do. It's the old "just another ordinary day for an ordinary person suddenly thrust into the extraordinary" plot. But if falls flat because you don't set it up properly. You TELL TELL TELL the chain of events, instead of SHOW SHOW SHOW.

WHY doesn't Emily panic? You don't explain it, you just tell us she doesn't. I would have preferred some panic, as it would have brought out some emotional response for the reader. There is zero interaction between the protagonist and her family, therefore their sudden disappearance means nothing to the reader.

If I was going to rewrite this:

Emily awoke to the smell of burning pancakes. He father never burned the pancakes. She jumped out of bed and rushed down the stairs. Though only a few steps, it felt like an eternity. She went into the kitchen to find the skillet full of burnt pancakes, but no sign of her father.

Emily turned off the stove and quickly removed the skillet from the burner before a fire started. "ANGIE! Where's Dad?" she yelled as she went to the family room. She should have found her little sister jumping up and down on the oversized sofa, watching her Saturday morning cartoons. But the TV was silent, and the room empty.

She looked out the window to see if Dad had walked outside. He wasn't there. NOBODY was. Not Mrs. Reynolds walking her dog. Not Gil and Chris playing hoops in the driveway. Not Mr. Morris retrieveing his morning newspaper.

"Don't panic, Em," she told herself as she took a deep breath. She turned to find a crinkled note sitting on the arm of the sofa. Cautiously, she opened it and read the scribbled writing.
============
Notice that the scene now has some energy? The scene becomes more personal, and the reader has a reason to be concerned for the protagonist. I also deliberately made Angela the little sister. With the dissappearance of the adult, it creates more tension if the older sister now has to worry about her younger sister's dissappearance. She would logically feel an obligation to protect her.

Answer 3

You are very wordy:
Emily woke to the smell of Dad's pancakes. She stumbled out of bed and shuffled toward the stairs. The pancakes were calling. But the stairs were so long, so far down.

It's called psychic distance, and it's really hard to explain and much easier to demonstrate. Get closer.

Also, drop the last line. It's too soon. We want to know what's on the note. Show us how her life will change, rather than just telling us something big is coming.

I think you have a great start here. You've got a character, a setting, and an upcoming dilemma. Revision can come later, so don't stop now.

And when you're ready: Gardner's The Art of Fiction

Answer 4

I think it is a great beginning; I would definitely read more. :) I know you are trying to be descriptive, but I think the writing would really pop if you could be more succinct.

I think it's a great idea to be so descriptive. In a first draft, it sometimes helps to write as much detail as you can to get it all out, and then trim the things that aren't necessary to the story.

Example:

Emily smelled her father's famous pancakes cooking downstairs.

"Dad? Angela? Save some pancakes for me." Emily yawned as she padded lazily towards the delicious aroma.

As she reached the family room, she noticed the house was oddly quiet. Her older sister, Angela, was not curled up in her favorite chair in front of the TV.

Stomach growling, she continued on to the kitchen. The pancake smell hung fresh in the air, but her family was not at the table.
Puzzled, she returned to the family room. It was then she noticed the crinkled note.

"Dear Emily," she read, as her heart began to pound. "..........

I think it is best to leave off your last sentence about her ordinary life coming to an end, because you want the reader to feel that emotion instead of being told what to feel.

Other than that, my advice to you would be to write it however you want it at first just to get it on paper, then revise it with a few additional drafts. It might be a good idea not to look at it for awhile after you first write it so you can distance yourself and get a fresh perspective.

Good luck to you and your story, and I hope this helps! :)

Answer 5

I actually like it. it is grabbing. but you have to make sure you don't have any typos. I mean, when you write "average" with a D in the middle by accident it is obvious it's a mistake- but you write somewhere "Angela usually sat.. She entered" you put double periods instead of one. it breaks the flow :)

but I like it.

I keep writing :)

Answer 6

In my honest opinion, Ithink it is a wonderful strory so far. It was very attention getting. I would want to totally read on! I think you would make a greta author!

Answer 7

I don't usually answer these questions when someone puts their work up. But I found your intro to be intriguing, and, yes, it did grab my attention. Keep up the good work.

Answer 8

Yes!! I think that's a good beginning. Keep writing!!