I let my 9 year old daughter go to a sleepover at her best friends house whom I trust alot like she was my own. At around 3 in the morning her mother woke up and found her daughter on top of mine pretending to do things to one another (clothes on), they both admitted to us that this started by askin questions such as " have you ever did it before" and these questions escalated into what was previously metioned earlier...now I can't look my daughter in the eye...cause Im in shock, for now all I told her was that I am very upset and I will talk to her later about this because I don't know how to address it just yet...is this a normal part of growing up, and what could I possibly say to her? sensible answers only...
2007-02-20 11:42:55 · 31 answers · asked by uh... 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
Just for background - I have an 8 year old son and I am a single mom. I think the first thing I would do - since you know they were asking each other questions, is to ask her exactly what it is she wanted to know. And don't use leading questions. Another thing would be to come right out and say hey - tell me what you know about sex - what is it? and then fill in the blanks. I wouldn't get freaked about it -- If she thinks you are freaked and upset about it, and you can't discuss it with her without feeling uncomfortable, she may never talk to you about sex. And goodness knows in later years you are going to want and NEED her to be able to talk to you. I find lots of times - if you start conversations, without too much of a plan, it comes together nicely.
And despite what I have read above -- I don't see it as "wrong" or needing consequences or anything ... and I certainyl don't think you need to avoid the subject.. I always read : "When a child aks, they are old enuff for you to start some explaining." She may not understand everything, but you're better off with the discussion than just flat out saying you're bad, you did wrong, and here's punishment.
Sorry to disagree with some..
2007-02-20 11:51:58 · answer #1 · answered by kdgbng 1 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I would explain to your daughter about why what happened with her friend was (obviously) not appropriate. (because #1 you do not do things like that w/your best friend, #2 you are 9 yrs old and you do not do those things period, etc) Then, your daughter needs to know that if she has any questions about anything that she can come to you for answers, without you getting mad at her. If you're too upset with her, she may not feel like she can trust you with questions, so she just won't ask. (and you don't want that).
I'm not so sure I'd let her spend the night at that friend's house again either. I had a problem last summer with my niece saying some pretty nasty things to my daughter (about kissing and other sexual stuff - they were both 10 at the time) and I do not let her spend the night there anymore. I know they're cousins, but I feel like I have to protect my daughter from that kinda stuff for as long as I can. Nine and ten year olds should NOT be talking about those kind of things - it's just not right.
This is your little girl you're talking about here - you know what to do.
2007-02-20 12:04:15 · answer #2 · answered by Kris 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh. I think that is a normal part of growing up, being curious, etc. 9 is a little young though. But all kids are different. Don't be in shock, don't be so upset around her...you are setting the standard here. If you don't talk to her now, you are teaching her to avoid confrontation, problems and to endulge in being a drama queen.
What do 9 year olds know what to do with each other anyway? Much less homosexually. I am not saying not to address the situation, I am just saying you need to approach it with courage and logic, not fear, shock and emotion.
Just tell here that is not a behavior that you feel is appropriate for a girl her age, and tell here about what you DO think is appropriate, and such.
She is 9. She does not know what she did was bad...or even why. Unpleasant as it seems, you are going to have to communicate here. And possibly breach the 'birds and bees' subject on a minimal level.
2007-02-20 11:49:48 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This question is scary because I have an 8 year old daughter. It might be a good idea to speak to the other mother and see how she is handling this. I think it was a good idea that you did not talk to your daughter about this right away while you were still in shock as you might have said something wrong. They probably didn't realize what they were doing and were only experimenting and doing what they see on tv. Maybe it is time for the birds and the bees talk and to explain to your daughter why they should not be doing what they did and it might be best to only have sleepovers with a group of girls for a while .
2007-02-20 11:53:24 · answer #4 · answered by bambi 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all I think you need to address it as soon as possible. You need to find out why she was "acting" in such a manner... and where she had learned how to act like that. You need to find out if she witness other grow ups or teenagers acting that way...or if she saw it on TV... If it is TV then you need to do some channel blocking... if she has seen others acting that way...ask who and also address them about the matter.. Speak to your 9 year old soon... and in a calm, respectful manner... tell her young ladies don't act that way.. and esp if she saw it on TV tell her the situations are not real that she has been watching... Tell her she when she gets older there are changes that take place in her body but till she is much older you will not elaborate on that subject.. But, don't embarrass her by repeating all that was told to you...just say the mother of the other daughter was concerned and afraid...someone might get hurt by that sort of playing...and yes it is a normal part...to some degree of growing up...like playing doctors to explore... but tell her in a polite way this is not acceptable behavior...esp when you let her spend the night away from the house...you need her to be on her best behavior...good luck the years to come will be trying too...
2007-02-20 11:55:18 · answer #5 · answered by coastgirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I guess I would be concerned about where they are seeing the things they are acting out. It sounds as though they are about the right age to be asking questions, but it also seems that possibly there has been a lack of censure somewhere i.e. television, etc. I would ask if there have ever been adults who have touched them in that way or if they have witnessed people acting this way. I would explain that this is something that adults who are in a loving relationship share, but that it is not appropriate behavior for children. Ask her questions to see how much she knows, where she got the info and how accurate her info is. I would then start having "the talk" and only go into as much detail as your daughter is able to absorb. Watch her body language to see how much info is enough and let her ask you questions. If you are open to her, she will ask for only as much info as she can process. You can start by looking her in the eye again - she is a child and is naturally curious. Don't ever give her reason to feel that you are ashamed of her in any way - you will completely lose her trust.
2007-02-20 11:56:42 · answer #6 · answered by Mrs. Goddess 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Apart from the fact that both girls must have been exposed to some age-inappropriate visual stimulants (think MTV or soaps,_ not to worry. Kids are kids, and they will experiment and try to find out what the big deal is. Tell her that they were behaving as if they were having sex, that sex is for grown-ups and not for kids and that sometimes, adults are embarrassed to talk about sex. 'Nough said. The longer you drag this out, the harder it will be to address the topic. Since you probably want your daughter to be able to talk to you about sex at some time, don't load the topic now with feelings of shame and embarrassment. I found that with all my kids (and some neighbor kids, too) a straight, embellished answer is the best way to handle it. Don't go into details unless she asks, but be prepared to answer questions when they come. Think about what is age-appropriate: they can know that babies grow inside women, and that men put them there, but at nine years old, they do not need to know the mechanics of just how that happens. By all means, tell her that sex is embarrassing for some people, and that is why you needed a time-out for yourself before you could talk to her.
2007-02-20 11:51:44 · answer #7 · answered by ina291262 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The question IS....where did the girls see such things in the first place to know what to do in the first place? This is DEFINITELY something you need to talk to her about. Try to find a way to let her know that things like that are perfectly normal WHEN you are a grown up. It's normal for kids to be curious about stuff as their bodies change, but if you just brush this under the rug without talking to her, later on it could lead to serious problems. But, by all means, let her know that you are there to answer any questions she may have about sex. Some of us had to find out on our own because of mothers who just couldn't bring themselves to talk openly about things.
2007-02-20 11:52:51 · answer #8 · answered by IthinkFramptonisstillahottie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They were experimenting. I'd ask her if she has questions about sex to come to me. I'd tell her I am disappointed in her behavior, because she should have asked you if she had questions. To look her in the eye, you are going to have to swallow some embarrassment and realize these things happen. I'm mom to 3 and aunt to 12, this is pretty mild experimenting to be honest. Have an open conversation about sex with her, the not knowing is exciting to kids. Take the mystery away and it won't be such a big deal. Good luck.
2007-02-20 14:16:45 · answer #9 · answered by Melanie A 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whatever you do, don't be disgusted by your daughter's behavior. Though it is shocking, curiousity at that age is very natural. What you probably would do best focusing on is teaching her about what is 'inappropriate' behavior. She is way too young to try these sexual things. Encourage her to talk about what she is experiencing. What I would be concerned about is whether she could possibly have ever been molested and whether she is exposed to sexual activity, whether on TV (cable is a big factor) or among any family or friends. If it's not your daughter, it could be her friend. You may want to keep her from spending the night or much time for that matter with this particular friend as it could be your daughter's friend who has been exposed to sexual abuse, molestation or just inappropriate subject matter in one form or another.
2007-02-20 11:50:07 · answer #10 · answered by Oh Suhnny Day 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋