Desperate situation what would you do?

Question

I needed to have a second child and so got pregnant by a work colleague. I never intended him to know as he was planning on leaving the country within a few months. Now I find out that he may have to delay his departure by several months and would then see that I am pregnant.
I am feeling so bad now - I'm not sure that to do. We have become quite close since we slept together and I hate to think of his trust in me being destroyed.

Help, I do not know what to do!!

Look - why is everyone so judgemental. I will be having my womb removed next year so yes i DID need to get pregnant!
I never intended him to know and if things had worked out he never would know he's a father.

Answer 1

IF he asks, tell him that he's not the father.
I hope your gambling pays off. It actually sounds noble to have a sibling for your disabled son just in case you aren't around later. Hopefully, your next child would be willing and able to care for him.

Answer 2

I am sure you had a very specific reason for wanting a second child and for putting yourself in such situation.
this is a tough one. first, i assume you did not know him well when you first had your plan. you have choices. two obvious ones are:

1) go with complete honesty (prepare first though to avoid making him feel like just a commodity). since you've become quite close, i think it may be worth the risk to tell him the truth in a diplomatic way of course. maybe not mention: "I never intended him to know as he was planning on leaving the country within a few months." and see what happens. or

2) you could always keep it a secret As you start showing while he is still around to ask you, you could pretend that you just found out you are pregnant . then decide together. (that option sounds good to me too. the thing is can you live with yourself and your "secret" or are you the type of person who gets overwhelmed by things she is trying to hide and then have to burst them out usually not at the right time?

I would decide on the first option for the reason that if i intend to have a relationship/family with this guy, i do not want it based on lies from the beginning:
you got yourself in a strange situation. but, this delay could turn out for the best. life is funny that way. good luck and all the best to you and baby

Answer 3

I can understand that it making the decision to do what you did you didn't intend to hurt anyone or do anything bad. Generally I am someone that doesn't judge people and I believe the rest of you should do the same - others are only mirrors of ourselves, and don't forget that.

However you must realise now that what you did wasn't considerate of other people's wishes - you made this guy have a child without his conscent... do you understand this? Imagine if you were in his shoes. I know you never intended him to find out so maybe you thought if he never knows then it will never affect him... but then think about the child? Would he have the right to know who hi/her father is? It's part of their identity and this could affect his/her life... and sadly its down to the decision you made.

I promise I am not judging you, I do understand you and I understand that you never meant any hard - and I understand how desperately you wanted to have a second child to love. But the main thing is for you to understand that there are consequences with the decisions we make even though we never intended any harm. I think this guy has the right to know that you are carrying his child, you can talk to him about it and tell him that you dont expect anything from him (I am only assuming this is the case given the background to the situation) but you just believe he had the right to know.

I know honesty is the best policy but if you want you dont have to tell him it was your intention to get pregnant with him. I know others might think I am wrong for telling you this - but all I am trying to hilight is that the main thing is that he knows you are pregnant with his child. I do think its best you tell him the whole truth even though he might really think low of you for it, but he will respect you later for your honesty hopefully... but ofcourse that's up to you.

At the end of the day I just hope you will do the right thing. If you are a good person, do the right thing now. For this guy's sake, but mostly the sake of your innocent child.

Answer 4

I would encourage you to be truthful...tell him you intentionally got pregnant and didn't have any plans to tell or expect him to be responsible for the child...but now that his plans have gotten delayed...there is no way for him not to know...but you still are not expecting anything from him. I am sure he won't be happy. Who wants to leave a child of theirs behind....? I guess all you can do is fess up...tell him it was a selfish thing to do (because it was)...immature (because it was)...and that you are sorry (because you should be)...and just see what he says...

We are not judging you dear...what you did is what we have concerns with...it just wasn't fair what you did to this man...pretty much you made him become a father without his consent...you took his choice away deliberately....now the only choice he has it to entirely rearrange his entire life...or turn his back on his child...I am sorry but both those choices suck....If you could just put yourself in his position for one minute...Women think that men don't have the same level of feelings when it comes to children...but that isn't true...there are many father's who would sacrifice everything for their children....If you wanted to have a fatherless child...you should have been up front so he had a choice to donate his sperm...It just isn't right when a person's choice is deliberately taken from him...I have empathy for your situation...but just because you have a painful situation doesn't make it fair to put this man in a painful situation to better yours....Understand?...Not trying to hurt you...but until you see and own what you did was wrong...this situation will continue to become worse and not better....Good luck.

P.S. People are suggesting you tell him you are pregnant, but leave out the detail it was deliberate...that is one more selfish decision...if he thinks it was an accident...he is going to feel obliged to be a father to this child...if you are honest...at the very least he might feel he is justified if he chooses to leave it as being your responsibility. Once again...honesty will be the most difficult path...but the best one.

Answer 5

Well, let's review:

1. You all boinked without birth control, so he knows there's a risk even if you played Honey I Got That Taken Care Of.

2. Your body your rules, yes...but you unilaterally made a decision that affects both of you. That's as sleazy as if he said "I've had a vasectomy, don't worry" and left you unwillingly pregnant. He doesn't have the moral right to dictate what happens in your body (i.e., abort or keep) but simple decency to a friend dictates that you involve him in a DECISION to become pregnant by him.

That's right, you made a decision all by yourself (and boy, you sound like a great decider...not!) that affects this man for the rest of his life. Suppose he's the kind of guy who, oh, WANTS to be a father to his offspring? You stole that from him. This is just stunningly cruel and selfish.

Now you are scared of the consequences of him finding out. If you're old enough to be a two-time mommy, you're old enough to take the adult heat for violating your friend's trust. Tell him.

One bonus thing that's not part of your question: I've seen more than a few of these Independent Single Mommy Wants To Get Pregnant cases that turn into "Oops, I didn't realize it was that expensive and now I want child support." Yes, you have the right to do it...but if you do, in my eyes you've just become a con artist to the tune of 18 years child support.

You know what would rock? If he finds out and sues you for custody of the child on the grounds of parental unfitness :) Your decisionmaking skills are obviously a tad sketchy...

Answer 6

Hello. And good day. First i would like to say congrats on the baby. Good luck.

Now down to the real deal. You were very very wrong for what you did. No person deserves to be treated like that. When he finds out you better hope he does not go insane. He will find out also.You should sit this man down and tell him the truth. Do no be upset if he goes crazy.You lies were the cause of all of this. You must now face the music.

Also if he does not want to be a father or you do not want him to be there are ways to stop any legal rights or obligations. I would strongly suggest you look into these rights.

Now forget about yourself or him for a moment. You have selfishly brought new life into this world you must now think about. Ask yourself these questions and you will know what you should do.

1) Can I live with the shame of what I have done to this man.
2) Can I deal with the questions my child will ask about the where-abouts of their father.
3) Can I handle this on my own.

And the fourth and most important one.

4) How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Answer 7

Hi Tasmin,
Sorry to hear about your medical problem and i do understand the logic behind what you have done,agree or not.

But you are being unfair to this person as you did use him,and if you were used that way i think you would be extremely hurt.
You seem to be getting on with him quite well,why not see if you really like him.
Please give yourself time to think of what is the right thing to do,and act on it .

Just look at the situation from his eyes,don't think of just your immediate need.
Say you get away with it and he doesn't find out what you have done,and you have his baby.
Now a few years down the road something happens to him like what has happened to.
Just as much as you did what you did before it was to late for you,you knew about your problem.
What if something happens to him that does'nt give him that window of time that you had.
There's you with his child and him never able to have a child and his own child right under his nose.
Please do the right thing and tell him at least that your pregnant with his child,he deserves that at least.
Give him the option of being the dad,that you gave yourself to be a mother.
You don't have to tell him everything just what is important for now,or see if there is a chance for a relationship to form.
Be honest with him because if he leaves without you saying anything,when the baby is born guilt will catch up with you.
I hope you can be a strong enough person to make the right choice,because the truth will set you free.

GOOD LUCK.

Answer 8

He should not trust you, you have done a horrible deceptive thing, if you hate to have broken his trust, you should have considered that before you committed such an act. the father has as much right as you to know his child, I know my husband would be terribly upset to have been used this way, but even more upset at the thought of not being a part of the child's life! You need to come clean, you know he won't be happy with you, and he may want nothing to do with you or the child, or he might sue for custody, which he would probably win because of your deception. Or you may get lucky and he'll be excited at the prospect of having a child with you and be upset about having to leave the country... it won't be a good situation any way he takes it, but sorry, you made your bed... Good luck!

Answer 9

Tell him that you are pregant by him, and that you wish to keep it. Don't tell him that you "had to get pregnant!" The reason why you should tell him is because he is the biological father of your future son/daughter. The relationship you are in, where you feel obliged to have a 2nd child, seems to be heading towards doom. What if, in a few years time, you split up, and in a custody battle, you are ordered to have DNA tests? You will not be ordered to pay him back for any money he spent on the child, however, what about the biological father? He would have missed out on his child's early years, and perhaps a really great relationship with you. I think you should tell him you are pregnant, and maybe start a new life with him.

Answer 10

Wow, I thought stupid choices like this happened in th emovies or Novelas....I think a 20 yr old is more mature than you. If you so desperately wanted to give your son a sibling, did u know there is such a thing called ADOPTION?!?!?!

YOu are selfish and now there is a man that has a son and doesn't even know abut it, you are shameless.

Stick to the consecuences and tell him what you did, at least let him know there is someone that come sfrom him. Instead of feeling sorry for you I think you are just lame...I feel bad for oyur son.

At least form all the bad u have done, try to do the right thing now. WHo knows, if u r lucky and he is a great person he will accept you

Answer 11

You've got to ask yourself if you want to give a realtionship a go with him or not.

If you do, then come clean, tell him you are expecting and that you are keeping the baby. Then give him time and space to decide if he wants to be involved.

If you don't want him to be in your, or your baby's, life, then just don't mention anything. When you start showing, tell him that it isn't his.

It isn't a nice situation, but try not to rush in to anything, you have got time to think, and you don't know for certain what will happen. You need to work out what it is that you want. He doesn't have to know anything yet, just make sure you think long and hard.

I wouldn't tell anyone how and why you got pregnant, not many people would understand. It might make you look a little 'easy', but it wouldn't destroy your friendship with him like it would if he was to know.

You can be a bit evasive about the dates, claim it is 3 weeks earlier or later than it is to throw people of the scent. People will have forgotten all about that by the time you have the baby, and a lot of ladies have them 3 weeks early or late.

Also, make sure you cannot be indentified by any information online, you never know who is reading.

Congratulations too :)