Its like Im spinning in circles, surpassing the fall
The world spins around me and I still see it all
The memories play like circulating movie scenes
My speculation was wrong cause now its not what it seems
The rememberance of the sky in the background
The memories play without a solitary sound
Your presence stays here right beside me
But to my surprise you stay in the shadows to be unseen
I remember the day when the tears fell from my eyes
And how you said your most precious goodbye
I stood there awaitng to see your smile brighten
But it didnt happen, and my grip on your hand began to tighten
Through the window I watched the sun fade away
The darkness of the sky let the stars come to play
The everlasting lonliness seems to never disappear
And I realize sometimes things can be just so unclear.
2007-02-20 02:42:12 · 20 answers · asked by sweet18apparatus 4 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
I like the poem, where it’s going, and the flow of the piece. The ending just seems to leave me hanging on for something more. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be…like when someone breaks up with you and you just stand there waiting to wake up from the nightmare.
2007-02-20 02:48:09 · answer #1 · answered by Maddog Salamander 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
11 out of 10
2007-02-20 10:44:43 · answer #2 · answered by Kaylin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My only critique would be there seem to be some un-needed words in there. For example the last line: " And I realize sometimes things can be just so unclear." I would remove the "just". I would also take out the "to be" from "..you stay in the shadows to be unseen". I think it's good just needs a bit of tweaking in my opinion. I give it 8 out 10. :)
2007-02-20 11:03:23 · answer #3 · answered by ♪ ♫Jin_Jur♫ ♥ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's very good. On a scale from 1 - 10, I'd give it a 9. Mainly because (in my humble opinion) punctuation would make it flow better. I like your sense of rhyming and rhythm. And, of course, the topic is classic.
2007-02-20 10:53:49 · answer #4 · answered by kj 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say an 8...good work :-)
2007-02-20 10:45:40 · answer #5 · answered by sage seeker 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh, Wow!!! I literally got a lump in my throat while reading this! It made me remember very vividly the day my husband left for Iraq. Thankfully he came back safe and sound!
Thanks for sharing - God bless!
2007-02-20 10:48:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Even though I'm not the biggest fan of this kind , I must admit you're doing really good. 10 of 10 + bonus.
2007-02-20 12:08:12 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is it an honest appraisal you want? This is deeply profound, but a bit on the long side. Half-way through I had to tell myself to read on til the end. Good work.
2007-02-20 10:48:04 · answer #8 · answered by moonshadow 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
8 of 10. sounds a little depressing to me
2007-02-20 10:45:38 · answer #9 · answered by leftygirl_75 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
very nice. i wish i could write.
10 out of 10
2007-02-20 10:45:25 · answer #10 · answered by Tracie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋