My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary on May 22 of this year. Together we share 4 wonderful children (His daughter of a previous marriage whom I love as my own, my son from a previous relationship. He adopted him and has loved him as his first born son, showing no favoritism to anyone else. Then we have 2 sons of our love.). We have had fights and bumpy spots just like any normal couple, but never anything like this. It seems as though I can do nothing right anymore. He stays on edge and treats me without the respect and love he has always given me in great quantity. I am scared. I have thought of counseling but I don't know how to approach him. I don't want to lose him. I love him with all my heart and truly believe he still loves me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to reach him? Please, serious answers only. I don't mind criticizim, but please keep it constructive. Thanks in advance.
2007-02-19 22:16:10 · 9 answers · asked by fishergirl 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
EDIT: I would like to clarify a few things. I am not afraid to approach or talk to my husband. I think I'm just afraid of hearing that he doesn't love me, or that he "can't stand me" . Neither of us are perfect but I love him so very deeply. If I have hurt him I want to know so I can apologize. So I can try to make things better.
I've been given some excellent answers so far and would like to thank you all.
fishergirl
2007-02-20 21:03:25 · update #1
I have found that with my husband when we start to go through this as I belive all couples do. It is not always about the spouse sometimes it is just stress from another source like work or maybe he starting to think about the future something is bothering him but the only way to know is to ask. i agree with the others get away for an evening maybe to a hotel for dinner and a room where no one can interupt and hash it out get to the bottom of it. My husband is always glad I call him on it when things get bad for him it lets him know that I notice he is being bothered let him know you see this is happening, Good luck
2007-02-19 23:39:50 · answer #1 · answered by Mary B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear Fishergirl,
It's funny that I entered here to check for answers for the same question as I'm in a very much situation like your husband!
We have been married for 15 years and I very much love my wife but I couldn't stand her! I don't know what exactly I don't like in her! it seems to be an accumulation of silence and not talking about what we feel for years and years. Some people say it is the middle age crisis!
if you have the energy, I'd suggest you to surprise him with a "new look", take him for dinner, give him a hug and tell him you love him. And when you do that, don't ask for sex at night, let him ask for it if he wants. Otherwise he will think you were doing all of that for a need you have at night.
What I would also do is to go counselling, things are getting very complex and an outside help is strongly recommended. The problem is finding the right counseler! I'm a believer and Will go to a one recommended by our church priest. hopefully this will open the closed channels of conversation.
Good luck...don't give up ... you are not alone.
2007-02-20 06:52:11 · answer #2 · answered by Hans 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hopefully it is just a very bad phase he is going through. You can try any number of things, but they will somehow always seem to be wrong. Best to be the person he married.
Tell him you don't understand what is happening between you, ask him if he does, and if he could explain it to you. However he responds, no matter what he says, just tell him that you will think over what he has said. Then treat him as you always have in the past - don't walk around on egg shells, but try to let him blow off steam if he gets angry. Don't be afraid to tell him when he is wrong, but if it is trivial, let it go. If it's not trivial, stand up for yourself, just like you used to.
You not being yourself will just make matters worse. Good Luck.
2007-02-20 06:45:13 · answer #3 · answered by =42 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When was the last time you spent time alone ? I think you need to get away for a change of scenery. I've been there and maybe he is probably feeling the pressure of everyday life, the same routine, 4 children, and so on. Find a babysitter and get away ! Quality time is very important to keep a marriage fresh and alive.
2007-02-20 11:51:46 · answer #4 · answered by mikey 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He could be of an age where men slide into a bit of depression, and he doesn't know what to do with it, except take it out on you. Some men introvert themselves, as well. Lots of it has to do with a decline in testosterone, so it's best that they see a urologist to get hormones and stuff checked out, just to rule out medical causes.
You have been together a very long time, surely you know how to get him talking.... even though this is a very hard nut to crack.
2007-02-20 07:37:20 · answer #5 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After 20 years you should be able to talk to him.I had a step father that did that to my mother and she found out he was bi-polar. He was all ways on the edge and looking for a fight,rude,sarcastic. See if you can get him to a Doctor and have him checked out.He passed away before she could get him treated but its worth a shot.
2007-02-20 06:36:01 · answer #6 · answered by dreamweaver021557 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it does not matter if you were married for 20 yrs or 3 yrs the basic still applies. Be like you were when you first met.
if you have picked up some weight lose it, go do your hair start working out. Do what ever it takes to spark that flame again, if you are to scared to speak to him then do some reverse sociology on him treat him like you want him to treat you.
i wish you the best of luck.
2007-02-20 06:36:00 · answer #7 · answered by sweet - angel 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
20 years and you don't know how to approach him to save your marriage???? Not sure I understand that...sounds to me like you are at a crossroads and if you want to save your marriage, it is time to pull out all the stops and figure it out...together....if you want your 20th anniversary to be a happy one then you best get busy......you need to find a weekend or even just an over night where you two can be alone....have a change of scenery and talk things out.....be open and honest.....perhaps the suggestion of counseling...renewing your vows with each other.....talk talk talk.......I wish you all the best......
2007-02-20 06:25:03 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Ignore him. Carry on as if he isn't there. When he is ready he will come back. If you make a fuss you will probably alienate him further.
2007-02-20 09:27:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋