How could they be so selfish?

Question

I lost my 4 yr old adopted son to leukaemia 6 months ago and have ever since thrown myself into my work as a financial adviser and been spending all my free time with my other adopted son who's 9.Recently my husband,brother and some friends organized some sort of intervention for me saying I needed help and that I wasn't dealing.My husband was going on about how he needed his wife back and my friends and brother agreed saying they missed me.What about what I need?How could they possibly be so selfish and make it all about them and how my grief is invonveniencing them?I got so furious about their complete disregard for my feelings that I grabbed my car keys,went to my office, called a friend 4 towns over and booked a plane ticket to stay with them.It's been six weeks and I've had no contact with them.I just can't get over their selfishness.How could anyone who claims to love you be so cruel?How can they expect me to just move on like nothing happened?

Answer 1

hmm i totally see that. its very hard to get over a child´s death, of course you need time and space to greive. the problem is that your family is grieving too most likely, and for them, their process would go smoother if you spent more time with them. certainly they think youre nuts, ( i dont agree by the way ) but i think you ought to explain to them exactly how much space you need and estimate how long you´ll take to get over your greiving process.

best wishes

Answer 2

You wrote "What about what I need?" This is my best clue for an opinion I hope will make sense to you. I AGREE with that question. You need to cope with this in YOUR way. The last thing you need at this time is to analise the others' feelings, as they have to take responsibility for themselves. Some might say that "they" are only showing concern for you, (partly true?) but it's difficult to comprehend how they can't "see" they're only making things worse for you. I could interpret that as being somewhat selfish, indeed. Your husband needs you back? & they all "miss" you? Really! Better to reinforce you in the way that YOU choose to deal with this. I'm NOT saying they don't love you, yet they are compounding your grief, & sabotaging what I consider your healthy agenda. "Leaving" was an excellent choice; you need to remove yourself from this situation for awhile. (Don't be surprised if this confirms their perception that you need "help".) Actually you do, "help" meaning they should refrain from such intererence, & not place more burdens on you. Please remember that "love" is not always wise, perceptive or sensitive. I hope you can enjoy a "fresh" environment with your friend. Best to you~.

Edit: Having looked at the answers, I'm certain everyone meant to help. However, leaving was truly not abandoning them; in a sense, they psychologically abandoned you. While it may seem to some that was a selfish act on your part, there ARE times when one must get away from a situation that appears has no resolution at the moment. It would be the best of all worlds if you & your husband could "share" this, but I don't see how when he expects more of you than you can give. There's validty in someone commenting on your other son, I'd want to spend a bit of time on that one.

Answer 3

First of all, please allow me to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Adopted or natural, your child was yours and I can't begin to fathom the pain of losing a child.

I think it's impossible for any of us to even try to understand your pain. Apparently your husband and friends need some help in dealing with grieving, too. I would highly recommend that you contact your family. You needn't apologize for your reaction, but you do need to try to explain why you ran from them. They can't possibly be ok with your being gone.

I am confused, though, and maybe this was a typo. Why would you need to book a plane ticket to travel 4 towns over? How can you just walk away from a 9 year old who so desperately needs parental guidance and support at this time, too?

You really need to stop worrying about how you grieve and go home. Whether you grieve in a way that is acceptable to others or not, your leaving is simply unacceptable. You may not have felt the strength to defend yourself at that time, but 6 weeks have passed. That's simply inexcusable. Go home, get some help, and be a parent to your 9 year old. He's hurting, too.

Answer 4

I'm not a psychologist, hon, and I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I don't think they expect you to move on "like nothing happened". I suspect they're concerned that you're burying yourself in your work and your other child to hide from what happened to the four-year-old. That, in fact, you aren't moving on at all. I think they held the intervention not because your grief was inconveniencing them but because they were worried about you. I know it must be hard for you to see it, but from what little you've said, it seems you have a very loving husband and family. Please don't isolate yourself from them. They are your best hope for moving on with your life.

I lost my beloved older brother in 1978 - not the same thing, but similar. I can tell you now that it never, ever stops hurting. It does become bearable after awhile, and it does reach the point where you can remember him without falling into tears. Well, at least not every time. You will never go on like nothing happened. The primary concern is that you do go on, because others need you just as you need them.

You'll be in my prayers, for whatever you find that worth.

Answer 5

It sounds like in their minds they are coming from a good place, because they obviously do care about you and your presence around them. They are just not able to comprehend your method of grieving, because the loss obviousley hurts/ or is effecting you more than it is them.

You are going to do what you need to do to heal, and as long as you are not being self destructive in this process they should leave you be. But I don't think they had bad intentions in mind so try to be more forgiving. I'm sorry about your loss.

And may i say to that Froghan Lee person (above) why do you check up on how many questions she posts?? Get a life dummy, she can ask as many times until it is resolved...do you have a power trip or something to think YOU make the rules?? Don't read it next time if you've already read it.

Answer 6

Maybe your grief is not inconveniencing them. Your husband, brother, friends, and family experienced this loss as well. Maybe you might want to see this through a different perspective.

It is very hard to go through such a loss. And there are several stages to grief such as anger and denial. Maybe you are working so much and leaving town because you're angry or coping with the denial. Where is your 9 year old now that you're with friends? Is he with you or with your husband?

Your husband probably does love you. And it seems like you are turning from him instead of to him during this time. Maybe the intervention was because they are concerned about you. Throwing yourself into your work while neglecting other important things in your life isn't a good thing to do. You may be working so hard just to forget the loss instead of coping with it.

Take good care of yourself and try not to turn your husband and family and other friends away during this time. You experienced a shared loss with your husband. It might be a good thing to work through this grief and loss with your husband.

Answer 7

First of all your family isnt being selfish, they love you if they notice your not yourself. Your son passed and its so sad because he is not here with you. I dont mean to sound harsh, in a way you are the one being selfish, you have other people who need you right now.

My cousin 18 yrs old passed away in a car accident in 99, my aunt had 3 other children at the time. She ended up spending all this time grieving for her daughter, sleeping, doing drugs and neglecting her other 3 children. Yeah it was sad my cousin died, but what about her other 3 children? My aunt ended up passing away in a car accident in 2003. Now they have so many insecurities because of it.

You really need to move on, you have other people who love you and depend on you, that need you. Leave your worries to God, he would never give you nothing that you cant handle. You can make it through this.....

Answer 8

Everybody grieves in their own way and in their own length of time. Your family loves you and, take into account, they loved that little 4 year old no less than you did. Maybe you do need some time to yourself, but life does go on and your other adopted son needs you and so does the rest of your family.

Answer 9

You are not the only one feeling pain; they do have a point. Get professional help, though. Don't ruin your life or theirs. Hard as it may be, life isn't always fair, but it must go on. Above all else, your husband needs and deserves his wife; you have vows to uphold, and they did not include "Except when I am too wrapped up in myself to see I am hurting others" Don't mean that harshly, get help, be better.

Answer 10

I am so very sorry! I know you need to grieve and everyone else needs you to be there for them. They're not selfish, just oblivious to others pain because of their own. I would probably try and find a professional psychologists, counselor to talk to and get some help. Even a temporary anti-depressant may help you. Running away won't solve anything down the road. You need to tell your family that you're not able to be there for them yet; and ask for their Help. Maybe, they just can't help you. That's possible too, but they need you to help them. If you can't then, you can't. When my Dad passed away, my mom leaned on me a lot. My sisters were not local, and the burden fell on me to comfort and do for my Mom. But no one comforted me. Never really. I had to be strong for myself. I had to buck myself up alone. I had to grieve alone, and no one even tried to comfort me. And I had 5 sisters, and lots of nieces nephews,etc. It was horrible! But I came through it a stronger more capable woman. And I also learned not to rely on others to help me.

Answer 11

Let me put it to you like this: first of all, sorry for your loss. But you know what: your husband not only lost his son, but his wife, too, the way it sounds. And now you abandonned your husband and your other son at a time that must be just as painful for them as it is for you. I hate to tell you, but your grief is not only your own. You seem to treat the tragedy as yours alone, and it isn't. While you feel like you would want to crawl into your shell and "deal" with your loss that way, you are - as a wife and mother - not entitled to that. They don't expect you to move on as if nothing had happened, they expect you to deal with your loss, share your feelings with them and then move on. I suggest that you pack your bags and go home before you lose your other son and husband, as well, not to sickness, but to divorce and custody arrangements. All of you need treatment, and grabbing your car keys and leaving your child behind cannot be judged - even in your own mind - as sane behavior. If that doesn't rattle you, write a letter from your son's point of view: my brother died, and I don't understand, and my mother left me, because she's rather spend time with her friends than with me. She hates me, because she doesn't even call me. I am sure that my brother's death is my fault, because why else would she have gone away?