How could they be so selfish?

Question

I lost my 4 yr old adopted son to leukaemia 6 months ago and have ever since thrown myself into my work as a financial adviser and been spending all my free time with my other adopted son who's 9.Recently my husband,brother and some friends organized some sort of intervention for me saying I needed help and that I wasn't dealing.My husband was going on about how he needed his wife back and my friends and brother agreed saying they missed me.What about what I need?How could they possibly be so selfish and make it all about them and how my grief is invonveniencing them?I got so furious about their complete disregard for my feelings that I grabbed my car keys,went to my office, called a friend 4 towns over and booked a plane ticket to stay with them.It's been six weeks and I've had no contact with them.I just can't get over their selfishness.How could anyone who claims to love you be so cruel?How can they expect me to just move on like nothing happened?

Answer 1

I feel very sorry for you. I guess that your friends just don't understand that you're still grieving. I don't blame you. I would be the same way if I were you. Getting over the loss of a loved one is tough. In fact, you may never get over it. Try communicating to your friends that you are still grieving and that you may not stop. If they still don't understand, then maybe you could try finding some new friends.

Answer 2

Its very obviouse that you are going threw a great deal of pain, anger and fear. And probably feel very alone.I have to agree with your husband and friends though, and I think if you are honest with yourself ,you will find that you are not appropriately emotionally coping. I encourage you to seek out a good therapist to help you work threw this. A female would be the most appropriate in my opinion. Your general physician can help you with a referral. It would also help to join a support group to have an outlet with other people who are/have gone threw the same type of thing and understand the profound sense of loss you have experienced. You cannot avoid working threw this process by throwing yourself into work and spending all your free time with your other son. It is not healthy for you or your family and it will not make your son that is still here immortal or guarantee that everything will be alright . Because sometimes its not that is the irony in life. There are no guarantees . No matter how well planned for. Events in life like this happen to shake us up , stripp us down to the core of ourselves . To see what we might find. Please take sometime out of your life for some proffesional help so that you can call your spirit back. Your family and friends are concerned for you and love you that is why they organized the intervention in the first place. They are not asking you to move on like nothing has happened they are asking you to get some help they see your pain and disfunction.And it is not healthy to continue like this. Love yourself and find a therapist before you self sabatoge and push every one away.

Answer 3

I would assume that they did not want you to just move on as nothing has happened, but were concerned for you. Sometimes when we loose something we ourselves are not aware of how we are acting but it is very noticable to the people around us, family, friends. A real friend and a true love will be honest with you and try to help you. An aqaintance will tell you what you want to hear. You only have so many true people in your life and those are the ones who are honest with you. I don't beleive anyone was being selfish. I recently lost my son just to his father and it devastated me, I was told by my fiance after crying off and on for a few weeks that my two other boys needed me. I know I have changed since my son left. I can see it in myself and am sure others can. It's been a month now and I am waiting for someone to tell me the same as they told you. Right now I believe they are afraid, but for you, I am betting they did love you and saw what you did not.

Answer 4

Well, it's not bad that you threw yourself st your work when your son died.[sorry, bye the way] Different people have different ways of coping with losses. You have your way. But you have to understand that when you became caught up wth your job and started spending your free time with your other son, your family felt pushed away. Maybe. You were acting differently and they were not used to you like that.Family does love each other.They DO love you. They DO care about you. You were grieving. Just make them understand. They shouldn't expect you to just move on like nothing happened. A death is something that takes time to get over. You should just get over it slowly. How you think you should without pushing your family away.Talk with them .Words are the key to everything.

Answer 5

Hi Isabella,

Sorry to hear about your son.. I lost my Mom last Nov., she was 61... I know the void that you are going through.. Missing the laugh, warm, and all the other qualities that they may of had... I believe that your son and my mother did not deserve to suffer anymore; therefore, they were taken from us way to soon...

As for myself, I do thank my lucky star that I had the Mom that I did, and for as long as I had her... I know that it was way to soon, but we also got to know that there is a reason for everything and maybe someone was looking out for BOTH YOU AND YOUR SON as you all have suffered a great lost, but what keeps me strong is knowing that your son and my mom would not want us to stop living... On the contrary, they would want us to be @ peace so that they can finally be in peace too..

Isabella, I know that you feel guilty for moving on too quickly, but that truly is a step in the right direction...Also maybe trying to look up BEREAVEMENT GROUPS..

I wish you and your precious family all the best... Remember that your other son needs MOM too and so does other people. They just worry about you. Even if you slowly to one step @ a time..

Good luck with everything and my condolences

Answer 6

I'm very sorry for your loss... but I don't think your family is being selfish at all. You are giving all your time to your son and your work.. what about your husband who has also lost a son? You've left him to grieve alone, so now he has also lost his wife. And now you took off for six weeks and abandoned your work and other child as well?

Sorry but I think you need to look in a mirror.. then you'll see who is being selfish.

Answer 7

Everyone deals with their grief in their own way. They were upset that they could not be the ones you turned to for help and solace. They should have given you much more time to deal with this and just be there and assist with the everyday needs of life while you were dealing with your feelings. Perhaps, you should give them another chance and explain to them that they can help by just leaving you alone for a while longer.

I am sorry for your loss and understand your feelings.

Best wishes.

Answer 8

I am so sorry to hear about your son. I don't think your family wants you ever to forget, I am sure they are grieving also. I think they just love you dearly and are worried about you. No one understands death, especially when it is a child and everyone handles it different and everything always seems like the wrong thing to say..because nothing anyone can say will make it better.They love you..go home to them.

Answer 9

if something is true it always hit a nerve it hurts. maybe they feel that 6 months is a long time and enough for you to overcome your grief. what you did was childish. you should have told them how you feel and make them realize that you need more time to cope. you would not understand each other if you just walk away. your communication should be open. everything can be resolved with a heart-to-heart talk and an open mind.

sorry for yor loss.
God Bless you....

Answer 10

i feel so sorry about your adopted son.

Ok, I agree that they are selfish and insensitive about your feelings.

I think you should go back to your house right now and confront with them.

There is no good trying to avoid them. You can't avoid them forever.

Tell them that by working and spend a lot of free time with your other adopted son help you to recover from grieve.