How could they be so selfish?

Question

I lost my 4 yr old adopted son to leukaemia 6 months ago and have ever since thrown myself into my work as a financial adviser and been spending all my free time with my other adopted son who's 9.Recently my husband,brother and some friends organized some sort of intervention for me saying I needed help and that I wasn't dealing.My husband was going on about how he needed his wife back and my friends and brother agreed saying they missed me.What about what I need?How could they possibly be so selfish and make it all about them and how my grief is invonveniencing them?I got so furious about their complete disregard for my feelings that I grabbed my car keys,went to my office, called a friend 4 towns over and booked a plane ticket to stay with them.It's been six weeks and I've had no contact with them.I just can't get over their selfishness.How could anyone who claims to love you be so cruel?How can they expect me to just move on like nothing happened?

I'm not using my other son to try to replace the one I lost.He still spends a lot of time with friends and family.Since I went back to work I'm hardly home which is why I spend every available minute with my son.

Answer 1

They don't expect you to move on. You won't. This isn't something you will get over. Time does NOT heal everything. But with the support that you have from all those that love you, you will get through this. Nothing will be the same again but it doesn't mean they have to be bad. Give their suggestion a try. They want you to heal... not move on. They love you. Hugs.

Answer 2

Oh my dear, I am so very sorry for your loss. I agree that 6 months is a very short time to grieve for your child. I must also say that I don't believe your husband was intentionally being cruel or selfish. Men deal differently with this type of loss. Most men tend to sublimate thier grief after a short time and expect us to do the same. I think he is terribly afraid of losing you too.

Throwing your life into your work and spending every free moment with your other son is not good for you. You will continue to grieve for a long time. You will never stop missing your child and you will not be able to just get on with it. You can however, turn to your husband for comfort and love. Your 9 year old son cannot replace your baby. He needs to return to a more normal life where he has time with his friends or even alone. He also cannot carry the burden of your grief. He will eventually resent you for it or feel as though he cannot have a life of his own because you need him and he may feel as though he would be deserting you if he spends any time at all elsewhere. I know you are afraid of losing him and would never, never hurt him or hold him back intentionally. Sometimes however, our very best of intentions turn out wrong.

Your husband may have gone about it the wrong way, but he obviously loves and needs you very much. Perhaps the two of you could attend some grief counseling together.

I will pray for both of you. Please know I do not think you are trying to hurt anyone, least of all your son or your husband. I do know your heart is breaking and you feel as though you will never, ever stop hurting. Although you will never stop missing your child your memories will eventually make you smile. Sometimes through your tears and sometimes out of the pure joy of remembering your amazing beautiful baby. Your baby will always be with you in your heart but your husband is here now and needs you. I think inside you will find that you need him as well.

God bless you all.

Answer 3

Well, at least you've had some time away to think about your situation, which is good. To me, it sounds like they really miss having mom around. If you read your own question again, you might catch the part where you said you've thrown yourself into your work. I understand why you chose work as your escape. I do not see your family as being selfish here. I see them as very concerned for you. To organize an intervention takes a lot of caring thought and consideration.

Explaining to your family and friends what you need is something I hope you are doing. They need to know what you need right now. They've missed you for 6 months. They want YOU back because they miss you. Think about what it is that YOU need FROM them right now. No one expects you to move on like nothing happened. That's cruel. Your family does love you.

You say you jumped on a plane and have been away from your family for six weeks. That was your escape. I think what your family and friends are trying to tell you is let your feelings be known. Stop running. Come back. We love you and always will.

You still have your husband, your 9 year old son, your brother, your friends and your co-workers. They are all waiting for your return.

God bless, and please accept my condolences.

Answer 4

My wife is going to answer this one:)

Michael t...no one wants to see your naked a
Isabella, I know that the loss of this precious little boy was, quite possibly, the most horrible pain that you've ever had to endure. I realize that people grieve in a myriad of ways. I have 2 sons of my own and know, beyond all doubt, that if I lost either of them that I'd be a total basket case indefinitely....wouldn't matter who liked or disliked it. Having said that, I feel that you must handle the loss in any way you deem necessary and believe that the time you spend with your other son goes a long way toward your healing (I'm not saying that you are replacing the one you lost but that you may be healing slowly due to the contact with the older son).

Now....about your reaction to your family's request to have you back. I think you overreacted in a huge way! I don't think that leaving them is the answer. They lost your son too. Why not heal together, as a family. Running away will not help...it'll just make things worse.

I hope I've helped...God Speed for a timely recovery:)

Answer 5

You should really consider working things out. It's okay to get defensive when confrontation comes about, especially when it's undeserved. You work hard, love your kids (God bless the lost one), and deserve to have a happy family. Mourning is natural. Let it happen, but make a goal to move on and love the family you have left. Talk things over with your family, tell them how you felt disregarded for, and start a new chapter with a clean slate. There is hope where there is love. BEST OF LUCK!

Answer 6

First of all...so sorry for your loss. Second, sometimes people think they know what others need and try to intervene to make it all better. You must understand that if these people didn't care about you and what your going through that they wouldn't bother. When you push yourself and don't take the time to grieve everyone around you gets it in their head that you need to go through a "process." You should take all the time you need to for yourself and when the time is right, you'll know. But in the meantime...remember these people only have your interest at heart and they care enough to want you to be better after a major heartbreak. Don't shut them out. Just let them know your going to deal with this your own way. God bless you and your family and take care of yourself...your family needs you. This loss affected everyone.

Answer 7

i am so very sorry for your loss.
it isn't nature's way to have a child leave this world before the parent does, and it is very difficult for a parent to come to terms with it when it happens.

it is unfair for people to judge and say its been long enough and to throw barbs such as "try losing 4 kids, blah, blah, blah.\" is totally unfair. who is to say their loss is greater than yours?

the greiving process is different for everyone. and while six months doesn't seem very long to you, it must feel like a very long time for your husband and those who care for you.

i think you are fortunate to have a family that loves you and is concerned about your well being. because they are you know. they may have not worded things quite right but they were trying to help you.
have you spoke to your doctor/pastor/counsellor about your feelings? if you are willing to go talk to someone it would show your husband that you are trying to find your way back to him and to your family.

but first of all you have to go home. running away solves nothing. and your hubby must be frantic. after all he has suffered the same tremendous loss that you have. please don't forget that. he needs you as much as you need him. lean on each other. maybe he is starting to feel he can't keep on being strong for you both. now is the time for the two of you to hold on to each other, to stand together and be brave together.

so, dry your tears long enough to at least phone home and tell him you're coming home. don't let the passing of your son break the deep love and commitment you and your husband have for each other or for your other child.

your son wouldn't want that. and if you believe, as i do, that we go to a better place, then that may help you cope a little better with your loss.

Stand strong, be brave, you will get through this and be stronger for it. You won't forget him, no one will ever expect you to, but you will begin to remember him with less sorrow and heartache. The day will come when you will smile at the sound of his name, or at some little memory you have in your heart.
God bless you and help you make your way home to your husband, your family, your life.

Answer 8

I know what it's like to lose someone that your very close to. But being single with two kids at home made it even harder.I don't think they are being cruel. I thank you are . Because they lost your son and they have lost you too. First off you need to deal with it. Share your loss with them. If you need time alone tell them. Just don't shut them out of your life. With my loss. I shut everyone out, And I'm telling you it's not worth it. I almost destroyed myself and them. Because i made them feel like i didn't love or even care about them at all. And if that will not work. Then you all need to get some help. Believe me there is nothing wrong with getting help. I'll pray for you all. God bless. And good luck.

Answer 9

Well, that's life, you know. In matters as these, few people ever think of the feelings of other people, but just of themselves. But communications can help. Where there is a breakdown of communications between lovers in particular and people generally, all kinds of things can happen. Find a way, may be thru a third party, to communicate your real feelings to them and if they are reasonable and therefore worth dealing with, I am sure the misunderstanding will be resolved.

Answer 10

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it must be difficult to lose a child you loved. It just so happens that this is a horrible circumstance that is in your life, but if you continue to focus on how horrible it is, that is what you will continue to get. Most of the times, in order to get out of our funk we need to focus outward. Start thinking about the people you love and what they are going through, and what things can you do to make them smile for a moment.

Is it them who is being selfish? From what you say, it sounds like you isolated yourself from your family. Basically you've taken your love, laughter, and all the good things away from them to focus on your grief. That to me sounds like you are the one being selfish. Focus outward.